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Comment by rachel_micele on February 15, 2016 at 9:36pm

My responses are either just "hello" or "it's goin" to my boss as he'll always ask "how's it goin". And to one of my co-workers that asks it's usually "I'm here". I hear you on the "I'm fine" or the like. To say that is like an assault to every cell in my body. 

Comment by bluebird on February 15, 2016 at 9:23pm

Exactly as you said.

You might want to try doing what I do, regarding the "How are you" question. At least then you don't actually need to answer it at all

Comment by rachel_micele on February 15, 2016 at 9:20pm

Thank you bluebird. It all just seems to be back to the draining depression that this is now my life and the physical somedays forever lost.

You talking of the "how are you" question - yea I still don't know how to answer that question. I avoid it as much as I can. I refrain from asking the normals that just because I don't want the question in return. No, I'm not okay, it's NOT goin and that's just how it is. I totally get that.

Comment by bluebird on February 14, 2016 at 3:15pm

rachel_michelle,

It's good you're feeling even a little bit better. I hope you are able to find something to make you feel less miserable. For myself, I know there is nothing.  For me, nothing will be right until I die, and even then I don't know. Maybe there is an afterlife where I will be with my husband again, as I so desperately want. I hope that is the case. Or maybe there is no afterlife, in which case at least I will no longer exist to feel this horrible pain.  Either way, though, my family will be hurt by my loss, and that sucks.

I also agree with Alice that "....people see things in a totally different way from me, which makes it so perilous to be around them." They cannot understand what this hell on earth is like. And as you said, there is no going back. Life, at least for me, is just horrible, useless hell, from now until the moment I die.

I fucking hate that term "new normal".  There is no such thing.  There is only this abnormal, surreal, existence that I do not want. That's all. As Alice said, each of us is walking around with a massive, open, permanent, invisible wound.  I suppose that's part of why I always want to talk about it -- so that people know it's there, so that they don't forget, so that they don't ever, ever assume that I am a normal, living human being, because I am not. I am no longer a part of humanity.

Comment by bluebird on February 14, 2016 at 3:06pm

morgan,

I'm sorry. I really hope what I wrote didn't make you feel worse. Even if it is pretense, f you are able to pretend to yourself that things are better than they are, then maybe you should, maybe that will help you.

I hate going to work. My job entails dealing with the public a lot, too, which is the last thing I want to do.  If someone says "How are you?" to me, I don't answer that question -- I refuse to say "I'm fine" or the like, when I am definitely not, and strangers/customers don't want or need to hear the truth, which is that I am in hell and I want to die ASAP.  So instead, I just say "How are you?", bypassing it altogether.  Not that I care at all how they are, but it gets past their question to me.

I have had to tell my family members (my Mom, in particular), to not ask me "How are you?" or "What's new?" or the like, because I will always be terrible, and nothing will ever be new because I will never do anything for the rest of my life other than the bare minimum required to stay in my apartment. She means well, she wants me to be happy and to want to live, but that is never going to happen. So I understand your not wanting to have conversations with people, because I don't want to either.

You mentioned going to the supermarket, being able to get in and out without breaking down, and that making things seem less surreal to you.  I remember the first time I went to the supermarket after my husband died. It was only a day or two later, and I had to buy food for our cat.  I refused to drive for at least a month after my husband died, because I knew that if I did I would end up hurting someone (first of all I would probably have intentionally driven off a bridge or something, which would have been fine with me but I wouldn't have wanted to hurt anyone else at the same time; second, even if I didn't do anything like that intentionally, I was in no condition to drive, I was literally not capable of it, I was in shock).  So my wonderful BIL drove me. Anyway, when we got up to the register, the cashier said something like "Hi, how are you today?", or some version of the inane bullshit they have to say, and I just said "Don't ask, everything is horrible" or similar, in a monotone.  And that is pretty much how it's been ever since then.  When there are small children or babies where I work, I can interact with them a bit, because I've always loved kids -- but at the same time, they make me very sad, because now we will never have the children we should have had. Anyway, when I go to the supermarket now, I hate it -- I won't buy the foods my husband and I enjoyed together, because he isn't there to enjoy them with me.  I used to kind of like food shopping, because I was providing for us, and would cook us nice meals with the food I bought.  Now I hate buying food just for me (well, and our cat). I don't really cook anymore, either (not that I was a gourmet before).  Mostly I just buy frozen, premade crap, and eat that. Nothing tastes good anyway, and I don't give a damn about nutrition, so that's what I eat. But the process of food shopping is still surreal to me. I go in, put a bunch of whatever in my cart, and go. None of it matters.

As far as you working, what did you do before? (Sorry if you've already said, but my memory sucks these days.)  Could you do that again? Would the place you worked before let you work there again? At least then you wouldn't have to learn anything new. I find myself basically incapable of learning new things anymore. I just don't give a fuck, plus my brain doesn't work the way it should, the way it used to. If it's similar for you, then doing whatever you used to do before might be easier.

You said "..all I think about is how can I get out of life with the easiest least traumatic exit." I understand that, as it's the same for me. Like you, I just sit in my house like a slug, and hate getting up in the morning. This is not a life. I deserve better, and since I won't get it I just want it all to end. Like you, I don't understand why someone who wants to live, like a terminally ill child or parent, can't live, and have me die in her/his place, since that's what I want. I do want to live long enough to take care of our cat until the end of his life, because I love him, and because I promised my husband I would, and because if I die before him none of my family members could take him in and he would likely be killed by any shelter (he has some aggression/behavioral issues).  And I know it will hurt my family when I die, no matter how I die, and I don't want them to be hurt, so basically I am fucked and wrong no matter what happens.

Sorry for rambling, as I generally do.

Comment by rachel_micele on February 14, 2016 at 12:16am

Thank you all. I've been feeling a little lost on the site lately. As for the last week funk, some of it may be winding down. I don't feel as far down the black hole so maybe I'm back to being stalled in hell. I hear you Alice on the first 2 weeks of January ... 

I know for me I cannot continue long term to be so miserable. I don't know what that means though. It seems like nothing will ever be truly right again until I can die. Maybe I'm just not ready yet to make such an effort, like Alice. It's brave what you are doing. "That just confirmed to me that people see things in a totally different way from me, which makes it so perilous to be around them." Exactly. I think this is partly where/why I've used to expression to feel cursed. No matter what, this burden, this altered existence will be my life. You can't go back to being naive - that is society's "normal". People will use the term "new normal". What the fuck is "normal" about this? "I'm walking around with this massive, permanent open wound that nobody can see." So true.

Comment by morgan on February 13, 2016 at 7:45pm

Bluebird,

I think we are probably about the same, I think I just pretend to make it sound as though I am not completely in a hole.  Guess I am trying to sound like I understand this better but actually it is probably a facade.

I think I am probably attributing my "better" place as the same abilities you have in order to work.  To work and interact with people, it must be SO hard.  I am scared all the time having to deal with people.  If it requires me to start a new conversation with someone about something I still end up crying so maybe I am not as "better" as I think~~ I think I am functioning "better" because I can actually get in and out of the market without breaking down each time.  That's what i mean by it being less surreal.  

Unfortunately I can't continue on the same non-work path that I have been on without doing something to make an additional income beside the paltry SS I get so I am going to have to pretend I am better in order to deal with people I have not met before.  That is a big anxiety situation for me.  Reality is something I avoid at all costs. I guess that is what I mean by better.  I think I have isolated to the point where I think I function.  Guess that works to pretend. 

Yet all I think about is how can I get out of life with the easiest least traumatic exit.  I don’t want to be here to have to keep trying.  Sitting in my house night after night, getting up in the morning unwilling to open my eyes and just being a slug most of the time is not what I thought I would live to my dying day.  So why am I being made by the universe to continue?  Why can’t I be taken instead of someone else who wants to stay?  Always wanting an end and yet still here.  Hate it. 

 

Comment by bluebird on February 13, 2016 at 5:11pm

rachel_michelle,

It's much the same for me.  You said you are "...on the roller coaster that has stalled in hell", and I understand that completely. I don't want to live this life either. For me, it's pointless. If I were to be diagnosed with a terminal condition, I would let it kill me.  A bit less guilt that way than if I were to actually commit suicide, I think. I am NOT suggesting you do the same, just saying what I would do. I won't take up smoking, because I hate smoking and because it is partially responsible for my husband's death, but I don't eat healthily, I don't do medical checkups, I don't take care of myself at all.  As far as your friend whose first wife died, it sounds as though even though he is still heartbroken about her death, he also loves his second wife, and that is why he isn't ready to die.  That will never be the case for me, as I am married to my beloved husband and will never "date" anyone else. I haven't seen The Notebook, but I do get very upset whenever I see happy couples, whether in person or in movies. Why the hell do they get to be together until old age, and my husband and I don't?!??

Unlike morgan, for me nothing has gotten any better. It has been nearly 3.5 years since my husband died, and for me everything is still the same hell it was when he died.  Everything is still surreal, nothing is worth anything to me, and I am still completely unable to function.  Like morgan, I have distanced myself from life as much as possible, but as my financial situation is very bad, I have no choice but to work if I don't want to be homeless. I hate going to work, hate interacting with people, hate having any kind of responsibility at all. I just want to sit in my apt. until I die.

Comment by morgan on February 12, 2016 at 6:22pm

Rachel Michelle,

The only tiny glimmer of hope I can possibly hope to give you is that as time passes the hellish feelings will become a little less intense and a little less frequent.  I cannot unfortunately tell you they go away.  

Three years plus couple weeks and I function better.  I am slowly coming to understand the reality of what life is now.  Doesn't mean I like it any better it just means the surreal surroundings that enveloped me have begin to lift.  I don't want to say this applies to everyone but the constant inability to even function was with me for at least two and half years.   I have had one helluva time trying to provide enough relief for myself beyond the consistent meltdowns, anywhere at anytime.

What I have done is distance myself from most of life. My financial situation is such that I am lucky enough to be able to do that and what I have done to get there provides me with the ability to just stay to myself.  That way I don't have to deal with the triggers that make me drop into my hole to hide.

I am not well.  I can only say my reactions to living have changed.  Isolation for me is now one of my tools to prevent meltdowns.  I have yet to go three full days without crying but at least I have stretched it to two full days in the last couple months.  That is huge.  The only problem is now when I do cry it has become its own nightmare.  My head begins to fill, my brain rocks and I wail like you would not want to listen to.  Its way different than the early days of crying.

Like Alice described, sometimes I might feel like I am getting stronger and then I am flattened.   I am learning not expect strength.  I just am trying to do.  That's it.  I do.

It's all I have because there are NO answers as to why.

wishing on the nighttime stars we go soon……...

morgan