So Alone

When does the pain and regret of all the things I coulda done and shoulda said go away? Why do I have to think of it literally every waking moment and even as soon as i wake up in the middle of the night simply because i have to pee and dream about it when I'm actually able to sleep. We were seperated for almost 2 years before he was killed so why does it hurt so bad now that he's gone? Why?.... because he was my best friend, because we still talked. All day. Every day. Because we still lived as tho we were together and just living seperate. Even tho he was 500 miles away. Because we loved each other sooo much but just couldn't make it work. Because if i wouldnt have had him leave here he woulda been here and not there and would maybe still be alive. I've never felt so completely lost ever. Never been at such a loss for words but still had so much to say. I know that I'm not the first to feel this pain but still I feel so completely alone. 

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Comment by bluebird on March 14, 2018 at 10:13pm

It's natural to question yourself, because he is important to you and you love him. 

But if he was murdered, then his death is only the fault of the person(s) who killed him, it is not your fault, and it is not your love's fault.

{{{{hugs}}}}

Comment by Renee Standridge on March 4, 2018 at 8:48am

Thank you John. I think the hardest part is that other than my kids I really only have my sister to lean on. Although when we were together his family always treated me like family, now they blame me because we were seperated and it was me who asked him to leave.  Trial for his murder starts the end of this month and just the anxiety of seeing all of them is overwhelming already. I will be there for him no matter what but it just sucks. Thank you for your kind words. God bless you John.

Comment by John T. on March 3, 2018 at 8:55pm
Renee, it's been 3 years and every day I feel that regret. I regret what I didn't say and more than anything, the cruel things I did say. We are only human and even when we fail, we are trying. Relationships are hard, to say the least. I understand what you're saying and the awful circumstances of your loss are heartbreaking. I watched my wife collapse in front of me and while I tried to save her, I watched her die. Where we even find the strength to go on is a mystery to me but we do. God bless you.

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