It has really been rough lately. Lil Dels birthday, the weather getting cold, and raising heck with my arthritis, and the topper, having to put down our precious dog Zero. I posted about Zero on facebook today. I wanted to wait to say anything about it out of respect for my husband, and Zero. Anyway my husbands cousin wrote, and said "Playing God is the worst part of owning a pet." I felt as if I had been slapped in the face. I thought she knew me better than that. I don't consider putting down my pet playing God. I have never put down a pet without considerable prayer to the Creator. People just don't understand the difference between the soul of a human, and the souls of Gods creatures. God's creatures have no sin. They run primarily on instinct. However a lot of creatures experience some human traits. Like loyalty, love, respect, etc. For example dogs. Dogs are incredible creatures. They sense feelings, and compassion. They give, and are willing to receive love. They give comfort, and work hard for their owner. It's up to us as pet owners to make tough decisions for them. As much as I would've loved having Zero with me, how could I be so selfish as to make him live while he was suffering, and in severe pain. There was no cure for him, no undoing the damage done to his body. So I believe God spoke to my heart when making the decision to put him down. I made sure in every way possible that there was nothing humanly possible anyone could do for him. So I don't call it "playing God" I call it being Gods servant, and trusting Him enough to help me through a very tough call. I even asked the Vet twice "you sure nothing else could be done?" The answer was no. When I looked into Zeros eyes I knew in my heart, and soul that allowing him to be released from his pain, and suffering was the right thing to do for someone we loved so dear.

PTSD

I have severe PTSD. I usually have it under control with meditation, prayer, and knowing my triggers. The problem is the triggers you don't see until it's too late. I haven't been feeling well physically or mentally lately. With all of the death anniversaries, birthdays, and the death of Zero things have been more stressful than usual. I've been having a terrible time sleeping, which is my first sign of a PTSD episode. I thought I'd be ok because when these things start happening I can usually catch it before it gets out of control. I thought I was on the up side. Then we had to put down our dog. It hurt, and it was very sad, but watching him suffer was more painful. I did alright. My husband, and I held him while the vet sent him on his journey. We wrapped him in his favorite blanket. I asked for a box to put him in, and then out came the body bag. That was it for me. I was blindsided. It didn't occur to me how that plastic bag would affect me. I couldn't move, and I couldn't get out of the room so I didn't have to watch,  I froze. My mind went back 15 years to when my Lil Del died in the car fire. I was remembering holding him in the body bag. The whole thing triggered a PTSD episode like I haven't had in a long time. Needless to say, but I haven't slept in over a week. I close my eyes and all I see is that body bag. I'm so thankful for my faith because this all could've got really ugly had I not found my faith, and my truth. the thoughts, and the memories of that day have plagued my mind, but I know now through prayer, and patience once again it will get better. I'm miserable right now. I'm so tired, and confused. I hate it when these bad episodes catch me off guard, and there's no way to stop it. You see if you catch the episode, and know why it's happening there's skills, and ways to counter act it. When they catch you off guard and you don't see or feel the triggers they can be devastating. They make me weak, and tired. I never know how bad or how long these episodes will endure. Since my mind, and body can't handle many medications I have to do the best I can till it's over. I know it will end, but I wish I knew when. I don't like having feelings like this that I can't control, or know how to control. Once again I will do my best to get through this episode, and pray that there won't be another one for a while. It's a good thing I'm not a big control freak, or I'd be in a lot of hot water! I look forward to a good nights sleep, and I am thankful for the skills I have learned so that PTSD doesn't take over my life like it once did. I'm also thankful for a place to write these things down. It's been the best medicine for me.