I have been in this crappy club for going on 13 years. I have felt every emotion and every hurt that I have been reading about.I have said and done everything I know of to not accept what has happened to my family. I have done just about every thing short of suicide to stop the pain and the sadness. Finally I have come to realize that the only thing left is  to make a decision as to how Im going to live the rest of my life. These thoughts and descions do not happen overnight. This has not been easy by any means. I feel as if I have no other choice but to try to live the best way I can and to let joy back into my heart. I have finally realized that there's not a damn thing I can do to change what has happened. I can't turn back time and I cant bring mychildren back so what am I left with? What choices do I really have? I am all out of choices good and bad. Especially the bad. I guess I can choose to live the rest of my life in pain and sorrow but in my heart I know that would be a waste. I've come to the realization of how precious life is and how since I have to be here in this world I'm gonna have to move on. The only way I know to do that is to accept what has happened.I know that some days will be hard and some really hard and hopefully there will be good day's also. I know that once again my life will change but atleast this time it will be a change for the better. Im the only one who can do this for me. I'm the only one who can decide how i'm going to handle things. I figured I have tried everything else. I have tried everything but acceptance. I believe that as a human I am capable of many things. I have buried my life not once but twice. I have had my heart, soul, and spirit ripped out. I have been as far down in the hole as enyone should ever have to go. Here I still am. Amazing. I loved my children more than life itself. There isn't a day that goes by that I dont think of them, or remember the joy and laughter they brought to my life.Once again the reality of it all is I cant change whats happened, but I can change how I deal with the rest of my life.I will never stop loving and yearning for my children. I know that there will always be a hole in my heart from this loss and I know I could hit the hole again, but  for now I'm going to try to make the best of things. Atleast if I fall I can write and blog. When I read the things I have written and blogged I always learn something new about myself. The good and the bad it all is a lesson in life.Sometimes when the crap storms come and I get all off balance, and rant and rave I read it back and I am surprised at how wild my emotions and how deep the pain isThen I read it again and think about how much it all has affected not just my life but those around me too. I have the right to be pissed off.I have the right to be sad and confused. I have a right to chose to not go on. I also have the right to do things as I see fit to help myself and my family to keep going. Everyone who has lost ones they love have a right to deal with it the way they see fit and the way they need to for themselves. I also feel I have the right to move on when I say so, and when i'm ready. Right now I choose to live and to do my best to live with joy along with the heartache. I know the pain and sadness will never go away but it's up to me to not let it consume what's left of my life or atleast try to not let it. Who knows with greif you never know what's in store. You just go one step at a time. It has taken me many years to come to this decision, and my way is only right for me. Everyone who is hurting has to find what's right for them. I pray that I feel this way more often than not. The best way for me to memorialize my children is to do my best to get the most out of my life. This is what I would expect of them and I know this is what they expect of me.