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Comment by rachel_micele on March 20, 2016 at 1:11am

I am glad Morgan you were able to relate. I remember reading in a grief book saying to itemize out the things being grieved. I did this and the list was upwards of 15+ different things. Guess goes to prove how complex grief is. Such complexity in feelings are no surprise.

It started a couple months ago feeling like I was fighting logic against logic. It was logical things like this happen and just because the average lifespan for men is mid 70's doesn't guarantee one will live that long. But it also logical that they can and many do. It's logical I should get the same thing I see so many others getting. I realized both are quite logical. From there came this ... the rest of the story.

Many hugs to you.

Comment by morgan on March 18, 2016 at 1:04am

Rachel-michelle,

You have a way to put your pain into words that I can really relate to my own suffering.  I just found and read your Part 1 as well as Part 2.  I still can't seem to follow everyones posts very well.  But I read everyday and I keep trying to find the answers to help myself by reading others comments. I think the way you broke your feelings down into pain, logic, heart and spirit is very similar to how I see my own pain.  I relate in so many ways.

Like you I also have the intellectual cognitive understanding that death is part and parcel of what happens to all of us.  I have said to others "grief didnt make me stupid" but I have also realized (my little epiphanies) that I am walking through an emotional minefield and I never know when one of them is going to blow up in my face.  

Each day of this three years and almost two months since my loving husband died I have struggled to live.  My logic is always trying to explain to my heart that I am not dying and yet my heart and my pain wonders why I feel like I am already dead or that I am certain I don't want to live.  I get small slivers of relief but it is more like not feeling so beaten by a bat rather than feeling like I am in great shape ready to run a marathon.  I am so tired now constantly.  Exhausted from pushing myself to live while wishing to die.

I do all that I can to construct a believable story for myself to hang onto that he is somehow still in some form that I will reconnect with or that he is with me now just not in a form I recognize.  Both of those scenarios are a tough sell in my brain.  I have to believe in them though in order to take any small baby step yet I acknowledge that I am stepping into an abyss of nothingness while trying to make my brain accept such explanations.  What do we know about death……nothing.  Just whatever we make it up to be.  That kind of unknowingness for me has been torture.  Plain and simple.  It is what keeps sending me into that dark black hole.

The only thing I seem to be able to wrap my head around and believe in all this time is this:  We have no control.  All our lives we thought we were making choices.  That we were affecting what happened to us but I don't think we really do.  If we did none of us would have ever chosen this kind of ending.  None of us might never had had the life of love we thought we chose.  Maybe it all just happens as some sort of agreed upon contract we signed up for before we got into the womb we came out of.  I mean did we choose that?  I know I am sounding crazy and I will admit it sounds like that to me too but I just don't think we have the kind of control over life here like we think.  This universe is so big and we are such a very small part of the overall scheme of things.  I don't ascribe it to a god but I do think there is an energy force at play that creates what we experience as our reality and we really are only a channel for some much greater vibration of the whole.  

I do think our energy MUST be connected through our own internal coding of DNA and RNA to our love mate.  Otherwise why would we feel like we do.  I feel it and it isn't going away I just wish right now it wasn't so damn painful to have to live it out in this form.  

Like you, I would like out of this hell.

Take care the best you can…...

morgan