"GriefShare is a church based support group. They do have meetings online, but the usual format is a group of people experiencing a loss getting together weekly to watch videos (13 weeks total) about grief and loss. After the video, we talk about the…"
Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
Post one year mark ... pt 2
I continue to feel the need to clear my head and write what I am feeling ...
What my pain says: My life is over. I don't want to be here anymore. [With my situation] it is bullshit how I was regarded. Fucked up how things played out. I deserved better than that. I didn't get what so many others get in the physical and then I don't even get it in death. I deserved better than to have this happen in the first place. I don't know how to live without him. How to live with all our somedays obliterated to shit. Life is a royal joke. You work hard for something and it's for what? I can't stand people's naiveness - yes I'm bitter. Bitter that I'm experiencing this nightmare. The expression better or bitter? That person can go fuck themselves. There is no such thing as better. I hate my life. I curse life. The fact I am still physically here is irrelevant. This is all now just killing time until I can die. There is absolutely no point, no meaning, no true reason for anything. I long for him and everything about him. For US. He and "us" is the only fix to this nightmare.
What my logic says: I understand death is a part of life. I understand people do not live forever. I understand few people are given physical disadvantage in the cards they were given. Gary's dad, who is living, had a heart attack earlier in his life and later had a 5 artery bypass surgery. His older brother died many years ago at 40 of a massive heart attack. Another brother, who is living, had a heart attack a couple years ago. It should of been no surprise he was not immune to the family genetics passed down. I understand things like this can happen, something so sudden and unexpected. I have heard of things like this happening in my lifetime. And he passed of a natural cause, nothing like murder or a freak accident that could of been prevented. Although I had 3 signs to tell me something was wrong and was taking some mental note on it, I couldn't get my grasp on it. I know I was doing the best I could with life having gotten so bogged down with my own life bullshit.
What my heart says: People do not just die out of nowhere. People get sick before they die. A silent sick does not count! People have a chance to make a change. It's not 1 strike and you're out. That's not how the world is supposed to work. I cannot accept my limitations. I cannot accept I was doing the best I could now that he is physically gone. Letting my life get so out of control cost me (and him) everything. I cannot forgive myself. I had my chance to see it, to at least try and do something about it, and I fucking missed it. It took me so many years to find him. To be so robbed is so unfair and downright inhumane. I've struggled all my life and this was finally something going so, so very right. Everything was finally blossoming and coming into our reach. Our time to soar together was right there on the horizon. What the hell did I do so wrong to deserve this life I've been given ...
What my spirit says: I have somewhere I can find him. He is still alive. We are still in a complete relationship. I have him and his love to the point of my own death. This must continue to ring true. I don't know what else is even possible to qualify him as my soulmate. The only way out of this nightmare is with him.
Yes, just take me out of this misery and nuthouse of hell ...
Views: 130
Comment
-
Comment by rachel_micele on March 20, 2016 at 1:11am
-
I am glad Morgan you were able to relate. I remember reading in a grief book saying to itemize out the things being grieved. I did this and the list was upwards of 15+ different things. Guess goes to prove how complex grief is. Such complexity in feelings are no surprise.
It started a couple months ago feeling like I was fighting logic against logic. It was logical things like this happen and just because the average lifespan for men is mid 70's doesn't guarantee one will live that long. But it also logical that they can and many do. It's logical I should get the same thing I see so many others getting. I realized both are quite logical. From there came this ... the rest of the story.
Many hugs to you.
-
Comment by morgan on March 18, 2016 at 1:04am
-
Rachel-michelle,
You have a way to put your pain into words that I can really relate to my own suffering. I just found and read your Part 1 as well as Part 2. I still can't seem to follow everyones posts very well. But I read everyday and I keep trying to find the answers to help myself by reading others comments. I think the way you broke your feelings down into pain, logic, heart and spirit is very similar to how I see my own pain. I relate in so many ways.
Like you I also have the intellectual cognitive understanding that death is part and parcel of what happens to all of us. I have said to others "grief didnt make me stupid" but I have also realized (my little epiphanies) that I am walking through an emotional minefield and I never know when one of them is going to blow up in my face.
Each day of this three years and almost two months since my loving husband died I have struggled to live. My logic is always trying to explain to my heart that I am not dying and yet my heart and my pain wonders why I feel like I am already dead or that I am certain I don't want to live. I get small slivers of relief but it is more like not feeling so beaten by a bat rather than feeling like I am in great shape ready to run a marathon. I am so tired now constantly. Exhausted from pushing myself to live while wishing to die.
I do all that I can to construct a believable story for myself to hang onto that he is somehow still in some form that I will reconnect with or that he is with me now just not in a form I recognize. Both of those scenarios are a tough sell in my brain. I have to believe in them though in order to take any small baby step yet I acknowledge that I am stepping into an abyss of nothingness while trying to make my brain accept such explanations. What do we know about death……nothing. Just whatever we make it up to be. That kind of unknowingness for me has been torture. Plain and simple. It is what keeps sending me into that dark black hole.
The only thing I seem to be able to wrap my head around and believe in all this time is this: We have no control. All our lives we thought we were making choices. That we were affecting what happened to us but I don't think we really do. If we did none of us would have ever chosen this kind of ending. None of us might never had had the life of love we thought we chose. Maybe it all just happens as some sort of agreed upon contract we signed up for before we got into the womb we came out of. I mean did we choose that? I know I am sounding crazy and I will admit it sounds like that to me too but I just don't think we have the kind of control over life here like we think. This universe is so big and we are such a very small part of the overall scheme of things. I don't ascribe it to a god but I do think there is an energy force at play that creates what we experience as our reality and we really are only a channel for some much greater vibration of the whole.
I do think our energy MUST be connected through our own internal coding of DNA and RNA to our love mate. Otherwise why would we feel like we do. I feel it and it isn't going away I just wish right now it wasn't so damn painful to have to live it out in this form.
Like you, I would like out of this hell.
Take care the best you can…...
morgan
Groups
-
Being the Other Woman/Ot…
45 members
-
Loss of a loved one to a…
3 members
-
Grief Counseling
141 members
-
Sibling Loss
10 members
-
Losing My Sister
5 members
-
Losing a Sister
94 members
-
Funeral Service
2 members
-
I miss my Mom!
751 members
-
LESBIAN ..GAY 2 SPIRITE…
15 members
-
Loss of a child In memor…
29 members
-
Too Young To Die
17 members
-
Multiple Losses Group
324 members
-
Zoom Grief Support
39 members
-
Orphaned Adults
80 members
-
Sole Survivors
15 members
Latest Activity
"is griefshare a website like this?"
"Kali
I’m so so sorry you are going through this. Grief is hard enough, but going through it secretly, all the while having to continue showing up for your kids, is just brutal.
Perhaps your friend was careful to hide your conversations behind…"
It was not supposed to be like this
In 2014 I met the most amazing man ever. We were both in our very early 20s and were looking for different things at the time. We ceased communication for roughly 6 months. During which time, he completed basic training and joined the Air Force. By the time we reconnected he was already at his first duty station.. 8 hours away.We decided we wanted to continue our relationship and proceeded to cultivate a deeply emotional connection. Regular calls and video chats, visits while he was home on…See More
© 2024 Created by Ninja.
Powered by
You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!
Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community