Phase 3 of Mission Impossible

Today out of nowhere came the urge to purge.  The storage areas in the basement were taking over and more so with my husbands stuff toted up and stored there too.  So I went through it with a calm I havent felt until today and could easily give up at least half of all the toys.  Im not sure if I have said I was a daycare provider for my whole working life.  For the first 16 years I worked in a group daycare working my way up to head supervisor.  But then my daughter, 20 at the time, became pregnant and being a preschool only daycare, my future grandchild would not have been allowed to be there when my daughter returned to work.  Sooo, I quit my job there and moved my daycare into our home.  I was lucky enough to have all 7 of my grandchildren in my daycare as they come along. That first granddaughter was 20 years old last February.  Long time!!  When my husband got sick I closed the daycare knowing he would need me and also need a quiet home.  Then he was diagnosed terminal, July came and he was gone.  I have until next May to decide if I want to reopen my daycare, but I do not need the train car load of toys and equipment I accumulated over all those years.  And yet, the thought of letting them go was like saying goodbye to that part of my life as well.  Then today came.  Today I could and did think instead of feel.  If I hadnt taken it out for the kids in the last year it went.  If it was even slightly off, it went.  Like the tricycles that need to have the back bar welded again so they dont wabble!  Gone. I kept enough for my grandkids to still think it is a toy store at Nanas house but it all fits on the shelves again.  I even made a small pile to sell and maybe make enough to buy a new toy for the one empty spot on the shelf.  It feels good to have that done and it got me through one more day without focusing only on what I dont have this Christmas.  I know my Tom would be happy to see what I accomplished today. 

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Comment by MIchael A Ballard on December 21, 2011 at 12:04am

Anna,

I enjoyed your post very much.  When you mentioned that you managed to think instead of feel.  

That is the two things that are so hard to keep separate from each other during grief.

And I do mean hard and extremely difficult.  

Feelings that control us are usually past and painful ones.  That's just how we are made up!

I have been evaluating and re-evaluating my situational status with my grieving, and asking myself where does it get me to be sad and or down, and the only answer I always come up with is "Nowhere".

It is definitely healthier and happier to think more often about Now and where to go from there, building bridges with people, plans, goals, etc.

It takes a lot of courage to go through storage items.  I think it took 4 months to go through my wife's clothes and items.

Nice reading and take good care!  Am proud of you!
Michael 

Comment by anna l. on December 18, 2011 at 4:23pm

It is hard isnt it?  There were some things left behind at the palliative care unit and I just cant make myself go there to get them.  If they are gone when I get ready to do it then so be it, but I am not ready today. 

I do love the daycare children.  They just make me smile all the time.  My problem with opening again is the panic attacks that I have been having since the trama of my husbands passing.  When they happen I cant sit still.  The only thing that makes them stop is going outside and walking fast.  My neighbors are used to seeing me at all hours pacing up and down our street until my heart has a reason to beat so fast and will settle down and I can breath again.  If they stop then I do want to do daycare again.  Some of my clients I had their children in the group daycare and then their grandchildren in my home daycare.  They become more family than clients or even friends.  Today though, the daycare stuff is neatly tucked away and a lot of less fortunate children have toys to play with tonight.  I put up signs and opened my yard for a 'free toys' giveaway. 

 

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