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Comment by rachel_micele on March 14, 2016 at 12:12am

Thank you all for your comments on my blog post.

You talking Morgan of not being able to wrap your head around why this is happening to us, I know. I agree that none of us deserve this pain. My pain to me feels absolutely inhumane. I finally find someone who fits me and 1 month, 5 days before he passed we saw the ending of his work comp case on the horizon. That meant we could finally have our place together - no more distance, no more money struggle, no more bullshit issues just to see each other. And it all gets robbed from me without warning. I got 5 years of even knowing him; 3 1/2 of us being officially together. I've realized the relationship to me was like losing my fiancee. But that's my bitter, fucking spilled milk story. I don't either see some greater purpose. I understand physical death is a part of life but not like this ...

I've heard your analogy before of pushing the mountain around the room and I like that. For me I feel like there is this massive curtain. On one side is me (us) and the other is normal. Normal is blissfully naive. That doesn't exist anymore, might as well be a past life. Nor is "new normal" any feasible concept. What happened to me was not normal. And so we are on this other side that is so different, tainted, distorted, broken ... they can't understand us and we can't connect anymore to them.

Comment by bluebird on March 11, 2016 at 11:21am

AMEN, morgan.

Comment by morgan on March 10, 2016 at 11:46pm

There is hardly anything I could add to your post Rachel.  You really said it all. The fact that your sleep has become bizarre, that you don't know how the one year mark is going to be…...these are all signposts that tend to move around depending on time passing and how much we can distract ourselves from thinking about our loss.

One of the characteristics I think happen to all of us is the ongoing desire to disappear.  To fade into the earth. To not have to wage this daily struggle within our minds as to what we need to do to live and how death would be preferable because we wouldn't have to pretend that our lives have the same meaning or purpose that we had when our loved one was alive. 

You also touch on another significant point.  Transitions and feelings that contradict themselves and how frustrating it is to try and discover what to do with the ever changing landscape of grief.  Having reached three years the rawness and the frequency of the battle in my head over the assault of grief has changed and lessened but the overriding feeling of loss is always there. Constantly.  It never stops. And the coping when it decides to throw me into the raging river to drown continues to wear on me.  

I now am better at functioning than I was in the beginning.  The shock and fog has worn down to the extent I see more of reality but that took almost two plus years.  Now knowing that this is what I face and who knows for how long and the continuing crippling episodes of how empty this life is I find myself questioning my stamina to withstand or change what losing my husband to death has done to me.  I too am frustrated because I want answers to the unanswerable and exhausted, so tired of fighting the now physical pain that results from my crying.  It is so debilitating now.   I just plead for release.  I cannot understand why I am being forced to live and breathe.  You would think by now my body would have collapsed.  I just don’t understand how it is taking such a beating and it won’t give up.  And I would do anything to have that happen.

Bottom line is, I just cannot wrap my head around why this is happening to all of us.  Why is it important? Needed? Necessary? Meaningful, to tolerate this kind of pain?  I do not believe there is some greater purpose to this kind of pain.  No one deserves this kind of pain.  And yet here we all are trying to figure out a way to circumvent the crushing intensity of losing the love of our lives. 

Does it stop?  I don’t think so.  I’ve done everything I know how other than take drugs or substances to make myself “better” but it always comes back to the same thing.  HE is no longer here with me.  I want him here with me and if I can’t have that nothing else has provided me with a reason to care enough to deal with the pain.  All I do is keep walking and pushing the mountain around in the room.  It’s damn big mountain and I am tired.  I just don’t get it. 

 

Comment by FLORA on March 2, 2016 at 8:32am

Hi Rachel Michelle, It's only been a little over two weeks since I lost the love of my life, we were together for 8.5 years, although we didn't live together, we were together almost every day, and if we weren't, we talked over the phone. I miss him so so much!! I try to look to the future and tell myself that time will heal, but that too saddens me to think that he will never be a part of my future. I don't know how to let go!!!!! I'm so tired of feeling this way. He's on my mind every morning, every night and all through out the day!!!!! Everything seems to trigger thoughts of him. I just hope that in time I can find some peace.

Comment by bluebird on March 2, 2016 at 7:58am

Thank you for your post; it perfectly captures how this is for me, and for so many of us.  And the last line, in particular, is absolutely right.