This has been by far the hardest month. There are days when I think how am I going to get through this and then I have the better days where I only cry in the shower or I cry myself to sleep. I was so terrified of April 12 coming up because it would be one month since Nick has been gone. I kept as busy as possible but it was still at my mind all day. At one point I even thought I saw Nick sitting on the sideline at my soccer game. My heart dropped. I want him here so bad. Sometimes I even think that if I wish hard enough I can go back to the last day that I saw him. Standing in front of HiFi with the biggest smile and he gave me the biggest hug.

I regret so many things. Why wasn't I a better friend? I should have known how you were feeling. I should have been there for you. I was in Las Vegas when you died. You were here alone. I had a feeling something wasn't right. I kept thinking how many of my friends were in Las Vegas and everybody made it safe no accidents and I kept praying on the way back that everybody would make it back safe. I thought something was going to happen to someone on the way back not that I was going to get back and the first thing I would hear about was that you were gone. I will never forget how I found out. It's like they were waiting for me to get home just to tell me. The first message I received confirming you were gone said "I am sorry Jeannette, he's gone" I knew that without him saying your name it was you. Nobody had answers about why you were gone. Nobody could really tell me anything.

Then I became angry I thought how dare he just leave like that (like if you had a choice). I even thought about not going to your memorial that week because I was so upset. Then I went to the jail to see a client and on one of the guards backpack it said "Nick's". His name wasn't even Nick. I don't know why it said your name and it hit me. While I was in a waiting room for my client that you were gone. I don't know if it was because it was in an isolated, quiet cold room that made me realize it or just because I saw your name. You hadn't been answering your phone or my texts, you were really gone. I left the jail and I broke down. I lived on my couch that whole week. No food no sleep. Then my daughter told me "Mom if you don't go you are going to regret it for the rest of your life". She was so right then my anger became complete sadness. I just miss you.

I drove a little over an hour to where your parents decided your final resting place would be this weekend in your home town and took you a white rose. It was nice to see you had flowers from other people there. At first It made me sad that you were so far and not many people might go but you were loved and they do go. I try to go as much as I can. If you were here I would go everyday but because of the drive I have been going about once every two weeks. I sleep with a different shirt of yours every night. I smell them as hard as I can so I can still get your scent. Which I do.

I wish I would have told you how much you meant to me. I guess I just figured you would always be there. Please I need to feel you around me. I can tell people are getting tired of me being so sad so I hardly talk to anybody anymore and when I do I fake how I am really feeling. You know how happy the signs and your presence make me feel. Don't leave me.

I will love you always Nick.

Me sleeping with your favorite work shirt.