One Breath at a Time

I have the big hurt right now. I keep expecting him to log onto Facebook and send me a message. Or a text. Or something that would symbolize that he is here. And then I remember that he isn’t. That the last text or IM I will ever receive is from August 12. That there was no tomorrow for him. Just me. And everyone that liked or loved him. 

And it bothers me so much knowing he isn’t going to respond. He isn’t going to reach out. He can’t. That I just can’t wrap my brain around it. I want to search and find all the messages we had to each other. Every single one of them. I want to hold them precious to my heart, but what if those messages are what is holding me back? 

It is going to take one deep breath. One single day. One day of not obsessing over his Facebook. One day of not searching through emails. One day of not trying to find a video. One day of not doing any of these things. Remembering is okay. But not actively searching. Because I think it is harming me. I don’t know what else to do. 

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Speed Weasel commented on Speed Weasel's blog post A Return to GriefShare and a Crisis of Identity
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Addie replied to Kali's discussion It was not supposed to be like this in the group Being the Other Woman/Other Man
"Kali I’m so so sorry you are going through this. Grief is hard enough, but going through it secretly, all the while having to continue showing up for your kids, is just brutal. Perhaps your friend was careful to hide your conversations behind…"
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It was not supposed to be like this

In 2014 I met the most amazing man ever. We were both in our very early 20s and were looking for different things at the time. We ceased communication for roughly 6 months. During which time, he completed basic training and joined the Air Force. By the time we reconnected he was already at his first duty station.. 8 hours away.We decided we wanted to continue our relationship and proceeded to cultivate a deeply emotional connection. Regular calls and video chats, visits while he was home on…See More
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