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Comment by Mark on May 16, 2015 at 11:38am

Morgan thank you for the comments.  "Order to entropy", that's very similar to what Cheryl would say, "Entropy wins in the end".  

And it does according to current theories, in countless trillions of years all matter will evaporate and space itself cools to absolute zero, the heat death of the universe.  The universe stops changing, it can not get anymore disordered, entropy stops increasing and time stops.  

I think about these things and try to relate them to how I feel about my life.  Part of me wants to go down the enticing road of nothing matters in the end.  That we ultimately have no relevancy in the universe so why try.  But I can't.  

I write all these things on my blog in an effort to try to get to a better place, to get through this negative expansive void.  I do spend time thinking, "How can I fix myself?"  The things I know about myself is I need people in my life.  I have to come out of the reclusive shell have trapped myself in.  Being here virtually helps, but by know means is it enough.  I want to be surrounded by life.  I also feel I need to help other people, I need to be a positive additive to the lives of others.  I have considered volunteer work, I am thinking about volunteering at the nursing home where my mother is a resident.  I have not acted on that yet.

Thanks again Morgan for your comments, I relish the feedback.

I hope we both can stay off the path of "nothing matters in the end"

I wish you all the best.

Mark

Comment by morgan on May 16, 2015 at 2:13am

Mark,

Your questions are the grevious widower's litany.  We ask them, we analyze them, we repeat them, we write about them, we talk about them and we end up with no real answers.  At least no answers that bring an end to the silence of death.  The ways in which we lived and love and the ways in which our love died are like two rivers meeting at a confluence of the water's way.  Always changing, turbulent and mystical at the same time.  Order to entropy. 

I am now rudderless.  It is my worst quality and one that my husband reined in.  He gave me safe, secure direction.  I listened sometimes and most often decided he was right.  Now I am all over the map.  I was strong willed and full of ideas and he kept me grounded.  He was the guy who kept me from beaching myself on some half cocked island of rogue orphans.  Now I am just rowing alone in a circle.

You are smart.  So was I.  It's why we accepted the challenges of love.  We worked hard and through times of trouble we still knew there was no one else that fit us quite as well as our beloved. Then we had good times and those were the glue.  We stuck.  Hard.  Nothing prepares us for this getting unstuck though.  We just can't rationalize the why of not having enough time to enjoy more good times or to work out some of the other not so good times.  A long relationship has much of that which needs worked out for the person left behind.  We just wanted more time or at least that is what I wanted.  I had always loved my husband as much for the hard times as for the best of times. It's easy to love when things are going good. It takes even more love to work on it when it isn't.  

All I know now is we had achieved so much together that overwhelmingly was good I can't abide doing anything else that doesn't include him in it.  He was the love of my life.  I have known him since second grade and turned down his marriage proposal in my senior year summer.  Ten years later we re-met and both got a second chance at real love but not without some major obstacles to overcome.  We did and I wanted more time to grow old with him.  I didn't get it and like a spoiled child I refuse to live without it.  And you are right…….there is no magic wand.  No tooth fairy.  No diety to fix it.  Just a lot of pain and unanswered questions and what seems to be an interminable process of figuring out how to manage it.  

take care…...

morgan