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Comment by rachel_micele on November 21, 2015 at 12:17am

Hi Joanne. I can understand the fear. I had been mulling over the idea since at least June. But I too was totally scared if I got completely nothing/nonsense or even worse told things I don't want to hear. I let that be okay and it went on the back burner to simmer for a while. By the time October came I felt strong enough to try. If I got something that didn't resonate with me I felt I could let it go and I guess I just deeply hoped to not get the things I didn't want to hear. But too, it felt time and I needed more information to work with. I know the only way I even have a chance to survive this hell is knowing he is still with me and we are still connected. Death doesn't do a damn thing to end anything.

So I would tell you it's okay to be scared. Cling to that hope, forever if you need to. Wait until you're strong enough. Let me know if you ever want to try the individual I used. I heard about them from someone else on this site. You said you're at 4 months. In June I was only at 3 so giving yourself a little time might help. *hugs*

Comment by joanne on November 20, 2015 at 1:26pm

Hi Rachel, I've been toying with the idea of going to see a medium myself,but am a little frightened because I am very skeptical about these thing , I've never been a beleiver but I am questioning myself on a daily basis , its like I just want to  hear that he's still here somehow because thats the only thought that keeps me going the thought I will see him again someday , I want that to be true so very much but my heart tells me its just a wish , a fairytale , so this is why im scared of the medium thing , what if she gives me nothing , all my hopes will be gone and thats all I have to cling on too,  im only at the four month mark so I may wait a while too see if I dare be brave enough to go for a reading x I'm happy that you reading gave you something though xxx

Comment by rachel_micele on November 19, 2015 at 11:40pm

You're totally welcome bluebird *hugs*

Comment by rachel_micele on November 19, 2015 at 11:33pm

Right bluebird, talking about experiences and wanting to believe it's Gary. You know ... I think it's just enough data, for lack of a better word, is starting to pile up. And to continue trying to debunk things, the skeptical options seem less plausible. I think the medium reading was what finally started to "break the ice" as I've let it sink in and process. There were things said extremely significant and impossible for her to have known, a couple things said relating directly to something I felt was him and also something I've said to him, but anyway, overall enough said that touched me, some extremely deeply, and I struggle to think it was all just really good guesses. So when I think of everything together, experiences and all, it's seeming too much I can't explain away.

But ultimately, I really don't know myself. It's pretty much happening on it's own. I really wish I had a better answer for you as I appreciate the inquiry. Maybe, hopefully, in time I will ...

Comment by bluebird on November 19, 2015 at 11:18pm

Thank you for responding so honestly, rachel_michelle.

Comment by bluebird on November 17, 2015 at 11:26pm

rachel_michelle,

How is it that you find it easier to believe that what is happening to you (I assume you are talking about having sensed your boyfriend near year, or seen signs you think may be from him?) is actually your boyfriend, as opposed to being skeptical? I am seriously asking, because I am full of doubt myself, and I hate it.

Comment by rachel_micele on November 16, 2015 at 11:15pm

It's okay Hilary. I understand how you were tying in the survival part. Any type of spin is good to hear.

I feel like my life has always been a struggle. Never feeling like I fit in anywhere, really in any realm. That's one of the reasons losing Gary has put me to depths I never thought were possible. He was finally the person, the one thing in my life, that could start getting me somewhere. 

From the bits you've shared, I can't imagine your struggles.

I heard something a week or so ago if we believe the truth that life is for us and not against us. Boy, did I have a knee jerking reaction to that one ...

Comment by Hilary Christene on November 16, 2015 at 5:29pm

I was never as callous as other people are about the mystery of crossing over.

I'm a cultural throw-away, abandoned by my family and left to drift at sea with no meaningful connection or place. Did you know that someone without money, education, or family is completely fucked? I was too young to even qualify for food stamps when I was on my own; I simply went hungry.

I strove for years to make a place for myself in this world, to meaningfully contribute to this massive culture in which I don't belong and am intrinsically unwelcome, in which for my own survival I have endlessly served others, and served others, and served others, my entire life.

Many, many times I have been snottily held in contempt by those I have "served" for being positioned so that I needed to do so. Still, I had a can do determination and found work to be its own reward and that there was at least purpose and place for me in working, in service, menial and then ultimately, more intellectual service. I worked and strove and struggled and learned myself into a more secure reality.

When D finally captured me and made me belong to him, his love and stabilizing foundation gave me the strength to work and function in this world with a balance: passion for what I do and equal eagerness to get home and bask in his luscious-ness.

My reverie for individuals lost to death has always been sincere. They'd presumably belonged here; their loss was causing someone unbearable sadness; the world was forever stripped of color's beauty, for someone. I lent my heart to them in those moments, silently.

But I was entrenched in my own struggle for survival, enough to only pause a couple minutes with someone's passing.

Now I'm feeling like nevermind about the survival part.

Comment by rachel_micele on November 16, 2015 at 4:22pm

Thank you so much Sara. 

Couple weeks ago at work someone that died got mentioned. I don't know what relations people had to this individual but they were found dead at the bottom of stairs. There was the initial reaction of surprise, it was chatted about for a minute, maybe two, and then moved on and forgotten about. Conversation was back to joking and all is perfect with the world. I was not a part if this convo, just overhearing it. I was formerly one of those people. You hear of someone you knew died but within minutes it's forgotten. And then there is us. It's impossible to forget. 

Comment by Sara Schwartztrauber on November 16, 2015 at 1:20am

Hi

I so understand you. I lost my wonderful husband of 38 years on April 1, 2015 to cancer. We not only lived together, but we worked together after spending the last 35 years building our business together. Now, I'm just a shell of who I was. Most of the time it hurts so bad that I can't breathe. I don't want to die, like a lot of the people on here. I know I need to be here to take care of our kids and grandkids, but I just want him back.

Please feel free to email me if you just need to vent or talk about him. I know what it is like to feel like no one wants to listen again.

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