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Comment by anna l. on October 29, 2012 at 1:20am

Im very sorry Esther that I neglected to say hello or express my sympathy to you.  Your post just struck a pain cord in me and I saw red about how much better we do treat our pets than terminal human beings.  So let me fix that now.

Hello Esther.  Im sorry for your loss. 

I do have problems with the nightmares.  Not as often now as in the beginning but they are still part of my weekly life.  I do not take any medications.  In the past I have needed to take anti depressants and would again if I feel that blackness but so far as long as I honor myself to do what is right for me I am gradually moving in a healing direction.  What I am doing to cope right now is I'm back to work at my favorite job, doing family daycare with friends little children.  It is hard to be sad while playing house or cars with 3 year olds, or snuggling a one year old while she drinks her bottle and looks at you with complete trust and love in her eyes.  I walk for an hour every day thanks to my little dogs who need to get out. 

Toms first sign something was wrong was a sore neck.  He went to a chiropractor who manipulated his neck.  After the second adjustment he developed a hitch in his breathing if he laughed.  I didnt like the sound of that and since we were going to fly from Canada to Mexico for our 30 anniversary in a few days I wanted him to go have it checked out.  He didnt want to saying it was just muscle pain like his neck.  I forced him to go anyway.  His doctor sent him to the er for xrays.  They kept him in the er all morning and by noon they told us he needed to go to kamloops for a catscan because they suspected a blood clot in his lung.  At 11pm we had the diagnosis of metastic cancer, in his adrenal gland, outer lining of lung, spots throughout the abdomon, and a rib.  But no cancer showed in his neck area.  On May 4th the neck pain dropped him to his knees and we went by ambulance to the cancer clinic.  It took torodol, atavin, and morphine to drop the pain to a 4/10. More catscans were done and again nothing showed in his neck but it was the neck pain that was 10/10.  The doctors told us they could see some arthritis and there was cancer in C4.  They kept taking the heavy drugs away because they couldnt see a reason for the big pain.  We came home after 12 days in hospital but we were in the er every day or two with uncontrolled pain IN HIS NECK. This went of until June 1oth when my clostrophobic husband final allowed us to drug him up for an mri. The result of the mri was cancer had eaten through the top of his neck and was in the base of his skull.  Tom was fitted with a neck brace that he wore until a week before he died.  Remember he was clostrophobic!  Those weeks he suffered unduely and was told basically it was all in his head we cant get back.  The month he lived knowing he could die at any second if his neck collapsed from the cancer, the fear we felt every time we had to take the neck brace off to wash him is indescribable.  Then that last few days when the cancer took over his brain and he was paranoid and thought he was being held captive and we were torturing him and we had to hold him down to administer the drugs that could provide him some pain relief but in holding him down we fueled his nightmares and his clostrophobia so he fought for his life.  Thank god his doctor finally agreed to up the meds and keep him in a drugged coma until the amount of morphine stopped his heart.  He could have lived more days so yes I had a hand in his death and I have to live with that and one day I may have to answer to god for that but I will do so with out an apology!!!!!  No body deserves what Tom went through.  And yes, the nightmares still come.  They probably will never stop completely.  But May and June of 2011 was an even bigger nightmare.  I can live with mine now that Tom is out of his.  Too many tears to write any more now.,,, 

Comment by Esther Ferrari on October 28, 2012 at 8:10pm

Thank you Ann I, and please accept my condolences they are sincere even though so inadequate... may I ask what you are doing to cope?

In Peter's case there was no such thing as helpful palliative care. He was opiod intolerant, and didn't have good pain and nausea relief at all..not even close...

I read your blogs briefly and notice are also struggling with nightmares...Think I should ask for some good sleeping tablets that knock me out into dreamless sleep! Maybe you should too? I suggest with all due caution. Shalom!~ Best wishes :-)

Comment by anna l. on October 28, 2012 at 7:52pm

I have to agree with you there.  What my husband went through we would never allow a pet to endure.  Luckily our doctor and nurses helped us in the end by keeping him so medicated he didnt have to wake up and ever go through what happened his last awake day again.  Cancer is never easy but until last year I didnt know just how disgustingly cruel its course could be.  I will forever advocate euthanasia in humans now. 

 

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