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Comment by Pamela Manning on November 4, 2012 at 7:28am

Esther, Now that was beautiful. I think I really needed to hear that this early morning. I had a bad night, so thank your for the spiritual words of The Lord. I didn't realize that you were in your mid 40's. I was thinking you were probably my age. I don't know why I thought that. I am so sorry for your loss. You need a big hug! During my husbands worse times, I prayed that Jesus would swaddling him and take his pain away. Some would say "Thank God the pain meds kicked in." Me, I would look up and say "Thank you Father." I read a book that also helped me thru this tough time "The Shack". For whatever reason this book kept surfacing and I finally read it. I even put it down, refusing to read any more of it but found myself continuing to the end. I am so glad I did because it helped me in more ways than one. It has to be read completely to understand all the messages. After I finished reading it my sweet Joseph (husband) joined the angels. Esther my husband's journey could have been far worse than it was. I thank God daily that his pain is over but mine has just begun. I can't wait to see him again.

Comment by Esther Ferrari on November 4, 2012 at 2:21am

Dear Pamela, :-( Peter was only 47 when he went..I am 45, was 43 when he went... :-( I think if we were older it may have been easier as I would have been closer to joining him...

What helps me quite a bit is looking forward to being back with Peter...concentrating, focusing on the fact that he is alive and *very* well, absent from his body and present with the Lord...FAR better to depart and be with Christ...it's just that I cannot get to him yet (grrrr) no mode of transport available, lol, no telephone, but we are told that this life is just a vapour, so hopefully either I meet up with Peter in death or when the Lord comes pretty soon! This is the hope Jesus gives us. Eternal life in incorruptible disease proof, never aging, never dying bodies! Halleluyah!~ I pray this comforts you Pamela and you too Anna!

We are told to comfort each other with the following words, so let me do so:-) with much love to my two new friends!~

¹⁴ For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will also bring with Him through Jesus those who have fallen asleep [^[h]in death].

¹⁵ For this we declare to you by the Lord’s [own] word, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord shall in no way precede [into His presence] or have any advantage at all over those who have previously fallen asleep [in Him ^[i]in death].

¹⁶ For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a loud cry of summons, with the shout of an archangel, and with the blast of the trumpet of God. And those who have departed this life in Christ will rise first.

¹⁷ Then we, the living ones who remain [on the earth], shall simultaneously be caught up along with [the resurrected dead] in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air; and so always (through the eternity of the eternities) we shall be with the Lord!

¹⁸ Therefore comfort and encourage one another with these words. ~1 Thessalonians 4:14-16

 

Comment by Pamela Manning on November 3, 2012 at 8:18pm

Anna and Esther , thank you both for the support that you have given me. The courage to finish my story. I am only 56 yrs old and my hubby was 59 yrs. old. I agree That there is no proper way to grieve. No one knows how or what you have experienced in life. We are all here to grieve together. I do get some relief from that. However my husband has been on my mind pretty heavy today. I have a heavy heart today.

Comment by Pamela Manning on November 2, 2012 at 7:55am

Girls, this is still am open wound, guess it will always be but still so fresh. It has only been 3 1/2 months since my loss. I did have nightmares last night after revealing the ending to the tragedy. However I am so glad that I did it so my healing process can begin. I myself have to talk my problems thru. If I keep things bottled up I go crazy, so thank you for allowing me to share with you and making me feel welcome. God bless the both of you. Lets stay in contact with each other.

Comment by Esther Ferrari on November 2, 2012 at 3:29am

Ooo have just read your story Pamela! Am shaking...Have the biggest urge to swear...and as a good Christian girl I may not, but heck...F#%@, bloody hell!!! (Sorry Lord and sorry people...) Wow! shew Pamela...yes can totally relate...praying for help for us all and sending love to all here...:-( Poor you, poor us all...it's like we were in our own little Vietnam...and now have PTSD...nooo, you girls are way braver than me...not ready this side..:-( Damnit is there no end to how much a human can suffer!!! :-( Lord have MERCY on us...

Comment by anna l. on November 1, 2012 at 11:31pm

Pamela I want to fly to you and wrap you in my arms.  What a horrible ordeal!!!  I am so sorry all of you have those memories.  No wonder we have nightmares at night after living nightmares awake.

Comment by Pamela Manning on November 1, 2012 at 5:56pm

Anna and Esther, I think we are all in the same boat. I have not written about the ending of my story because it was so painful. However I am now willing to complete my story. On July 13 my husband had chest pain ( he has lung cancer in both lungs with brain mets). He was admitted to the hospital with his heart beating 200 beats a minute. Once it was under control he was admitted to a room at the hospital. 3 days in the hospital and lots of talk about hospice, we decides ok that was the way to go. The first hospice group that came to our home was wonderful but did not accept our insurance. The second group was ok. I have to admit I really liked the first group better but was willing to try whatever was needed to help with my husband and his pain. I signed the paperwork and was given instructions not to call 911 but call them. Fair enough. The admitting nurse said she was going to the office to order his oxygen and other supplies. Great we were good to go, I thought. In a matter of hours he was having a very difficult time breathing. Ok, call hospice not 911. Hospice was called not 911! We were put on hold. We waited and waited. 9 long minutes passed on hold. My husband fought to breathe. I tried to help him but he pushed me away saying I can't breath. My daughter was still on hold with hospice. My sweet granddaughter screamed call 911 which brought us back to reality. 911 was called and she hung up on hospice (still on hold). My husband fought and fought to breath, he tried every position to get a breath. He stood up and fell to his knees trying to breath. He crawled across the bedroom floor before collapsing. I started CPR and then fire and rescue arrived. This was the worse thing I have ever experienced in my life. The firefighters carried him to the living room so they could have more space to work on him. He slipped from one firefighters hands and he dropped my husband on his head. Of course it was the side of his head that the brain tumor was removed. They worked and worked on him then. They took him to the hospital and when I arrived they pronounced him. 30 minutes later hospice called and wanted to know what was going on. The admitting nurse said I am at home putting his information in the computer now. ( we have cell phones no home phone). So that explains why we were on hold cause there wasn't a record on him only a name. Well I did it, I actually told the rest of my experience with my husband. He passed July 18 2012

Comment by Esther Ferrari on October 30, 2012 at 6:59pm

Ah Anna, an extra thank you to you!~ Sharing those details I hope didn't cost you too dearly...May I ask whether it has helped?

It is so good to be able to communicate with people like me. It has been so hard this past year and a half, socialising with "normal" people who just have the normal everyday problems...

Did you know that our husbands went sort of the same time...we were in the same thing at about the same time...You have been so kind and I really want to thank you. Yes you have helped me. I hope I too may be able to help you. Bless you!~

Comment by anna l. on October 29, 2012 at 4:55pm

Esther I understand you not talking about your story details.  This was the first time I have shared these details with anyone.  I couldnt say the words until now either.  Good for you for knowing what you need to do for your sanity and doing it!  If hearing our story has helped you feel not so alone then it was worth it to me. 

Comment by Esther Ferrari on October 29, 2012 at 3:37am

Dear Anna...thank you so much for sharing with me. No apologies needed at all! It was so good to get a response from you, and to feel like someone can identify...Please forgive me for not being able to talk too much about what happened.

Have trained myself to shake stuff out my head..the whole ordeal like you mention with ambulances and hospitals and scans and tests etc, beyond traumatic. I love Peter so much more everyday, as funny as it sounds. What he went through just made me adore him more, if that were possible. Thank you for letting me have such a nice picture of you looking after little ones and what you do to cope! Please, I hope I have not opened up any wounds...that would be unforgiveable!~

I pray God comforts us until we are back with our husbands again:-) I have no idea how to even start campaigning to make euthanasia legal in my country, in the world even, but I believe I must embark on this mission, as I am passionate about this! Shalom!~ 

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