Yesterday morning was difficult.   I had another doctors appointment.  I get anxious waiting in those little rooms that you get placed in while waiting your turn to see the doctor.  My mind immediately went to missing Cheryl, she was a nurse, she was my comfort.  And whenever I had some significant health issue she would accompany me and usually wait in the little rooms with me so it didn't seem like a prison cell.  I almost lost it while waiting alone there.  The doctor finally saw me, asked me some questions and checked my reflexes.  He then left the room again, I don't know why and he didn't feel the need to tell me.

So I sat there again waiting, with my mind going down the unpleasant roads it has traveled many times recently.  I then heard the doc. in the hall joking with someone else and saying something to the effect he needed to, "go back in here and see this guy".  I spent 10 minutes at least filling out paperwork, writing my name at least a half a dozen times, and he can't make the effort to use my name, or at least say, "I need to get back to my patient".  He had made some cracks earlier about the patients he sees in this office being of a lower class than at his other one, it all felt rather disrespectful, but perhaps I am being overly sensitive these days.  Anyhow he came back in and checked my reflexes a little more, and then gave me a prescription for another anti-inflammatory.  I had told him the one I was taking didn't help and all he did was switch to another one.  What a waste of time.  I need to find a new neurologist. 

After I left I stopped at a lab to have blood drawn that another doctor had ordered.  Again being in these places associated with health care just flood me with memories of Cheryl.  I was quickly seen, and then I went out and got in my car and cried into a towel.  

The next errand for the day was a visit to my lawyers office.  I had to sign some papers to transfer the deeds from the real estate we owned in both our names to only mine.  That did not bother me too bad.  I did not think too much of Cheryl while there, it seemed to be the turning point of the day.

A few hours later I had an appointment with my therapist and it went well.  I was actually able to laugh and smile and talk of other experiences in my life and not just Cheryl.  

The evening was low key.  My son and I picked up some Chinese food and ice cream for dinner and went home and watched baseball on TV.  I had close to 10 hours that weren't too painful.  After the game was over I dozed off on the sofa.   I started to dream, and the dream was vivid.

I dreamt my son I both walked up to Cheryl and hugged her.   I repeatedly kissed her neck and told her I missed her.  That seemed to go on for a while.  Finally she said to me sarcastically, "What have you been smoking?" and I woke.  

The dream was so realistic, it was in color, and I thought I could feel her touch.  But was only a dream.  I know it was only my own subconscious mind playing games, expressing how much I miss her.  I wish it wouldn't.  I want peace when I sleep.  Dreams like that just remind me what I have lost.  

I am still laying in bed, it's 8 a.m. Saturday memorial day weekend.  I have no plans, I fear the idle time now that I used to enjoy.  My sister, who is my primary support, is out of town this weekend.

Speaking of my sister, who I love, but even she can not really understand the depth of my loss.  I had a few bad periods a couple of days ago and called her on the phone during them, sobbing, crying, etc., you get the picture.  Anyhow, the last time I spoke to her I apologized to her for them.  She then told me that she understood, but if it wasn't for the health issues I am having now as well, that she would be telling me to get over it and move on.  It just shows that unless you walk in my shoes you really don't know how rough my road is.  

That's enough, hope everyone has a good weekend.

Mark