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My First Loss
I have never really liked to talk about it and I have never certainly wrote about it but my very first big loss was my sister. Her name was Claudia. Claudia was the youngest of 3. I was the oldest. She was energetic and very loving.
Claudia was only 4 years old when she passed away. I was 10 years old. The last memory I have of my sister is her having a seizure in our dads arms. Then the paramedics arrived to our house. They said her temperature was at 200 degrees. She was taken to the hospital was on life support. The doctors told my mom she would never be the same that the fever had damaged her brain. My mom was in the hospital room and my sister moaned as if she were in pain. That's when my mother made the painful decision to take her baby off life support.
Claudia had been fine two days before. It all happened so quickly. My mom took her to our pediatrician, he was in a hurry to leave it was almost the end of the day told her she had an infection and prescribed amoxicillin. She had the seizure about 15 minutes after getting home from the doctors. Later we found out my sister passed away of meningitis.
My sister passed away on December 1st. On December 2 I was walking in through the door and my mom was on the phone crying. I figured she was just explaining to a family member what had happened to my sister. I remember my dad sitting me down, I still don't know how he did it. He told me my grandfather, my mom's dad, had been shot and he was dead. I couldn't believe it. I had just spent all summer with my grandparents. First my sister then my grandfather.
I didn't go to school the rest of the year. We spent everyday at the cemetery. To me it was like going to the park everyday. My mother was extremely depressed in and out of the hospital.
Now 25 years later, my mom still carries all of my sister's belongings everywhere she goes. She has lived in 3 states and she still has a duffle bag with all of her clothing, shoes and toys in her closet. My grandmother has lived with us ever since. She never remarried or even thought about dating.
My sister and grandfathers passing marked our lives forever. My mom talks about it finally some with us but not really. I take my kids to take her flowers and they ask questions about her which I love to answer. I still have a toy of hers that I have in my dresser and I hug and kiss when I want to feel her close to me. I still miss her. It still hurts. She will always be my baby sister.
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Comment
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Comment by Gabrielle on May 22, 2015 at 2:24pm
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Could you volunteer at a local rescue centre? I know it's not easy to find time. Or organise a cake sale at your children's school and donate the proceeds to an animal charity? Or buy and donate something to an animal shelter? Xx
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I think it's a really nice thought, have you had any ideas of what you could do?
Nothing has really improved for me, I was considering getting anti-depressants but I don't know if that's the answer. There's no answer! This weekend mum and I are getting lockets with photos of Francesca inside so that's something to focus on. I have so much love for her and nowhere for it to go because she's not here. I am still struggling to accept that this is permanent. Xx
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Comment by Jeannette on May 21, 2015 at 2:04pm
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Hello Gabriel, how are you doing? I have been thinking about you. Just haven't been able to get on. I work full time and am a single mom. I recently went through a little depression phase again. Like back to step one but I guess its normal. I think that one of the things that can help us get through this is to do positive things for the ones we loved. Like a memorial or help other people in their name. If you do something positive for her I think it will help you with your grief because it will make you feel good inside to know you are doing positive things for your sister. I am thinking about doing something. Nick LOVED animals, I still haven't figured out what I would do in his honor. What do you think?
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That's amazing that you texted your brother - I'm so pleased. Little things like that make all the difference.
It's so touching that you named your daughter after your sister. I know for sure I will be doing the same thing if I ever have a daughter; Francesca as her middle name will be non-negotiable! I often think that the only way to ease the suffering of myself and my parents is to bring a new life into this world. Unfortunately I don't even have a boyfriend so I am a long way off achieving that idea. I can totally understand why you wanted to fill the void by having children.
Your children always must come first and I don't think Nick would be the person he was if he wasn't understanding about that. Don't be too hard on yourself. We all have regrets or wish we could've done more. The fact is he loved you and you had a great friendship and he respected the fact that you have a LOT of pressure being a single mum and supporting your kids. I bet he was full of admiration for you. I know none of this changes the fact that he's not here and you miss him :(
I tried psychotherapy for a while but it didn't help me. I was looking for some sort of magical solution and obviously that doesn't exist. I also think I rushed into it- I started therapy after 3 weeks. I was still in complete shock. Of course the psychotherapist didn't care if it was the wrong time because she was receiving £50 p/hr. Yes I'd much prefer to talk to a support group where there are other people going through a similar experience. Sometimes I don't think that anything will help me though. I was in a really bad place yesterday and had lots of thoughts about not wanting to be here anymore. I can't put my family through more anguish though. I just CANNOT BELIEVE that this has happened and I am never going to see Francesca again. The way that young, good, innocent people are just taken away really tests my faith in the universe. I don't believe in anything or trust anything anymore. xx
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Gabriel,
After I wrote that to you I decided to text my brother yesterday out of the blue just to tell him I loved him and to thank him for being such a great uncle to my children. My brother was six years old when my sister passed away. My brother doesn't want to have any children. I think its because he is afraid of going through what my parents went through. He is in a stable relationship but he doesn't want children. I however tried to fill my void by having children. I got pregnant when I was just 17 and I named my daughter Claudia.
Claudia was a very happy child. She loved dressing up and cutting her own hair. My mom always had to hide the scissors. She made friends with everyone. One of her best friends was an elderly woman she would go and visit that lived in our complex. The lady, her name was Mary, passed away shortly after my sister. She was in her early 80's. She loved to play tea party, and try to be a big girl like her sisters and cousins. She was always such a happy kid.
Nick is the main focus of my grief right now. I cant believe tomorrow will be two months. I would give anything to have him back. My heart feels so heavy. I regret so many things. I was always so busy with my kids stuff and he was always so understanding that I couldn't be there for him when he needed me most. He never told me anything. He worried more about me, that I was ok with everything I have going on being a single mom. He was understanding and would always tell me everything was going to be ok with whatever I was going through with the kids.
Sorry for venting sometimes I feel like no one understands. The rest of our friends are living their life but they weren't as close to him as I was. Everybody wanted me to say something as his memorial because they said I knew him best but I just didn't have the strength.
I honestly don't think I will never understand why someone that is so young and so full of life is so suddenly taken from us no answers no explanations. I completely understand how you feel. I am thinking about joining a support group. Are you thinking about anything like that?
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Thank you for the advice about my brother. We are currently ok however we're still in shock so I don't know what the future holds. I'll bear in mind what you've said. It's scary to realise how fragile life is. I'm glad that at least your brother is very close to your children and that you're working on your relationship. Does he have children of his own? How old was he when your sister passed away?
I remember when my sister Francesca was 4 and she was the cutest little thing imaginable- I expect Claudia was the same and it must have been utterly heartbreaking to lose her at such a young age. I'm very sad that Ches only got 22 years but at least we had an idea of the person she was going to become. Do you remember some of the things your sister liked or games you played? (If it makes you upset to write about any of this you don't have to).
I'm also really sorry that you've recently lost your friend Nick. Is he the main focus of your grief right now?
Sending hugs xxx
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Hi Gabrielle thanks for reaching out to me. Still 25 years later I still choke up writting and talking about my sister so trust me I understand how you feel. I cannot honestly say how we got through it because my family is still broken but we're working on it. All I can say is that don't let this break your family. My brother and I really grew apart after this. Like we were afraid to be close to each other. My brother lives up the street from me and I can't even tell you what his favorite color is but were slowly getting there. He is however really close to my children. He is a great uncle. Don't let this happen to you.
I pray for you and believe me I feel for you. My heart sincerely hurt for you when I read your comment. Be strong even though it's hard. I'm here if you ever need to talk.
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Hi Jeannette
Thank you for sharing about your dear sister Claudia. It was brave of you to write about her.
My sister passed away on 10th Feb 2015. She was 22. I'm 30 and loved my role as the big sister. She was my best friend. I have no idea yet what this is going to do to my family (I have my parents and my 28 year old brother). At the moment we are still devastated and bewildered by what's happened. The reality that this is permanent hasn't sunk in yet. It's too awful.
I'm reliant on sleeping pills to get me through the night. If I don't take them I lie awake anxious and crying. It's a terrible way to be. We would give anything to have her back. Anything.
I'm sorry for the losses you have suffered. xx
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