I had a wonderful weekend! Until I brought up Ben. We were talking about chicken pocks. All I said was remember when Ben had chicken pocks at the age of 13. He had them so bad. He became very sick. all of a sudden the dirty looks started flying. If looks could kill, I'd be dead. I don't understand it. The second I say one thing about either of the boys I get the worst dirty looks ever. It's like the girls want me to forget they were ever here. You'd think they'd want to remember them. Heck no. Isn't it bad enough that they want to forget them? Why do I have to forget them? It ruins everything. I work so hard to not say a word about the boys when the girls are around, but the second I say or remember one little thing you would think I commited a crime. I really thought that after all this time it wouldn't be such a big deal to say one little thing about them. I don't get it. Why? Why do I have to go through this too? Why can't I love the boys too? How can I stop loving Ben, and Lil Del also. I do everything possible to make sure my daughters know how much I love them. I have done everything the girls have asked me to do, and yet the one thing that I sometimes slip up on makes them so angry with me. I don't know how to fix this. Remembering the boys is one thing I can't stop nor do I want to, but yet when I do I get mentally beaten for. I don't know how to make them understand. My youngest daughter has 2 children of her own, and she's the one who hurts me the most over it. I have had to overcome so much, but this is one thing I have no answers for. The pain of losing my sons was so bad. Why do I have to suffer this too? It's not like I talk about the boys often. Actually I try very hard to not say anything at all about them. It makes me feel like the girls don't want me around. It makes me feel like I shouldn't be here either. Will they forget me too should I die? I am so upset over this. Another thing, why is it ok for their dad to bring up the boys but not me? What is the difference? Someone please tell me because I haven't got a clue. I don't know how much longer I can take it. It's all ok as long as I play by their rules. The second I step out of bounds I'm in the dog house. It's fine if I say things about their childhood, but not ok if I say things about the boys childhood. What the hell is the difference? This is why I don't want to be around them to often. It's so hard to keep my mouth shut. When I get the dirty looks it makes the guilt worse than ever. I have had to be so strong for so long, but I'm tired. I'm tired of always having to think about what I'm going to say, and so tired of being so careful to not say anything that will upset them. What about me? I know that sounds selfish, but really what about my feelings? Is this the way I have to spend the rest of my life? I won't live long if I have to continually watch every step I make. I'm not allowed to talk about the boys to my grandkids. I'm not allowed to say anything about the boys to my daughters. What the hell am I supposed to do? Should I crawl in a hole and die? Should I cut my tongue out? What? What more do they want from me? I'm so frustrated, and unhappy. I am running out of gas. I feel like an old car that's been driven into the ground. It was so much fun having all of them at my home for the weekend, only to have it ruined by the dirty looks. Maybe I should just stay by myself? I don't want to feel like this any more. My brain, and heart can't take much more. This is not fair at all. I know life isn't fair, but this is going way too far. How do I forget the children that I gave birth too, and loved, took care of when they were sick, go to all their different activities? How? How do I do that? Why do I have to do that? I have prayed till I am blue in the face, and no answers. Help! God please stop the world, I want to get off!