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Comment by Valerie on April 13, 2015 at 12:36pm

Hi Mark,

I run those what if's in my head too. What if I had chose a different hospital, a different rehab?? My husband was in rehab to learn to walk again because he had two minor strokes during his surgery (heart valve replacements) at only 45 years old! He kept begging me to take him home. To get him out of that rehab "before they killed him" is what he said. He thought they did not know what they were doing, trying to make him walk before doing regular bed side excercises.. I of course didn't think they were really going to kill him! Anyhow, I guess his kidneys failed because of some heart medicine he was taking which because toxic if it is not released through the body.

Anyhow, I would have loved to brought him home, but he couldn't walk, and there would have been no one to take care of him. I wonder now, I wish now, what if I would have brought him home?? I trusted the doctor at the nursing home knew what they were doing. I would give anything to have the do overs! I want my husband back.. I thought if I wished for it hard enough i could make it happen.

My husband went into cardiac arrest at 11:14pm on January 31st of this year. We did everything together. I had one day when I didn't cry. I cried this morning just simply going to McDonald's, go figure that out. All I know to do is to keep getting these feeling out. It is painful, it is lonely and it is depressing, but that's all we can do. We will drive ourselves crazy with the what if's, but I admit I have them too, a lot!

Your picture you posted on the black square does remind me of how I feel most days. Just going through the motions in a new world that I don't care for at all. I've often just felt like if I died that would be okay. Not sure of my purpose now. I had no kiddos.

I know that your Son needs you....I imagine it might be harder if I did have kids, I can barely take care of myself. My Mom lived with us and I do have to care for her. Sometimes that can be hard, because I can barely get through myself. I can tell you the intense pain has subsided some, but it can return...you've got to let it out. I did get anxiety pills, just low dose because I was afraid I would have a panic attack.
The mornings are the worst for me too. Realizing all over again, that my life will NEVER be the same. But, keep writing out your feelings, we all know here the pain, and the loneliness.
It's hard because people don't know what to say or how to help you and they want you to get better a lot fast than you are going too. I know you miss her terribly, I miss my husband terribly too. All we can do is hope they are around us in spirit and are okay.
I hope I'm not depressing you...just wanted to share that somehow, someway, things will get a little easier. I know it doesn't feel like it. We will ALWAYS miss them. There is no get over something like this, just through it.

Sending your healing thoughts and peace today, Mark.
Valerie