Comment

Comment by kim on June 7, 2014 at 7:36am

R L  thank you, and im so very sorry for your loss. I know you are heart broken and the pain is so unreal. I hope we can all help each other through this, and become good friends. but right now I just want to go with him, I feel my life is over without my son.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on June 6, 2014 at 7:22pm

Kim, I am so sorry for the loss of your son Shawn...I read your posts...I too was very close to my son.

Jesse was killed on his way to a doctor's appointment...he was riding a motorcycle when a girl ran him over with her van. She was charged but has ran away....

 

This is my second child death...I lost an infant son in 1987.

 

I read how your son would come over and have dinner, go shopping with you, he was the son of your heart.

 

Totally understand.

 

Hugs.

Comment by kim on June 6, 2014 at 1:03pm

nicholle, omg it took forever to read your e mail, I cryed so much. I understand what you are saying , and I thank you for thinking of him and me. I still feel god is hurting me for what I don't know. he had no right to take my son from me, there are so many bad people in this world, he took my only child, the love of my life. how do I go on now? how do I live ? theres nothing left for me. I know hes with my mom, I lost her 31 years ago, she to is the love of my life the greatest mom in the world, I know she will take care of him till I get there but I want to go now. all I talk about is dieing, I ask shawn to come get me everynight. I don't want to go on without him. im so sorry you lost your mom I do know that pain to, it still hurts, they say time will heal that pain, im telling you it does not.  i cry for my mom a lot always did. shawn is her life so I know there together, I just want him to come tell me hes with her and ok. I feel we will grieve forever, living with this pain is just not worth  it. to be with shawn I can be happy again. I want that feeling again. do you have family there to help you? I have 2 sisters and a brother, my older sister and I have not talked in 3 years till  I lost my son. I feel shes really not here for me, the other sister has been but  not as much anymore.  I know they have there own kids but I still need them. a few of our friends  stopped being our friends  now. that hurt bad but I guess they were not that great of a friend after all.  im so tired  I think ill go lay down hun, hope we can talk soon, take care im thinking of you,  love kim

Comment by Nicholle on June 6, 2014 at 12:32pm

Kim, I love your Shawn too!!!!! I bet he has the all time best laugh. I was thinking about you more last night and I need to say this right. Ready? I was thinking about Shawn and how horrible it is for you to relive the last day over and over and the total shock and horror of watching it and not being able to do a damned thing to stop it.  What I felt from Shawn when I was thinking about it is that if that was how it had to be, that he had to go on that day, and maybe, just maybe MAYBE his soul (our souls, but the part that we can't access fully) knew it was that day, and either it was going to be the worst phone call of your life AFTER it happened to him, when you could not be there with him, and he knew that your pain from THAT would totally be the end of you, that you would spend the rest of your life wishing you could have been with your baby for his last moments...and so God said "Okay, Shawn, I see what you are saying, and although this is going to hurt for her, you are right and this way she gets to see her baby out just like she saw him in....for your mom, you will get to be with her for your last day."  Do you see? I am NOT trying to diminish the horror of what you watched happen....I still have post trauma from some of the things I watched happen to my mom, but that is the feeling that was pushed onto me when I was imagining how awful it must have been...that to not have been there, to have to live with the wish that you would have gotten to be with your baby for his last moments....he only meant to give you the gift of being with him and didn't mean to hurt you with it. He loves you so much. I love your love for him too, it shines so bright. I am so sorry you hurt so much. I do know the feeling of wanting to go to be with him and I know it's hurting your husband so much to see you hurting too, and he grieves too.  Please, I pray, feel some of the love from Shawn, and hang in there a little longer. I love you! Nicholle

Comment by kim on June 6, 2014 at 7:15am

nicholle, thank you so very much, everything you said is so true and real. the pain so unbearable, my shawn is 41 now, my only child. he is so funny and sweet, very big beautiful brown eyes oh yes and dimples. I picked him up a lot from work, on weekends when he was done at 4 I got him and we would go shopping.  Wednesdays he would come here to do his laundry and eat moms good cooking , he always told me what he wanted that day to eat. he loves liver, I hated cooking it, and I never ever ate it, just for him and his dad. his fav colour is red and dam he looked good in it. I sleep with the red hat I made him, oh how he loves to shop, I would call him on his day off and say lets go   , he said im ready . he has a nic name for me, and always called it to me, I would laugh and punch him, he laughed so hard, now I would give anything to hear it again. its been so hard to remember the good times, I guess some are coming back slowly, but not enough because the last day keeps coming back to. I wish I could hear him say its ok now, im here mom, omg anything, sometimes I don't understand why my husband stays, im in bed every day at 6, im so tired,   I cry and cry and cry.  my baby was 5 pounds 14 ounces when he was born and the pics on here of him  well hes a big boy, always my baby.i know hes here and the love we have he will never leave me, he promised,  hard to type this tears are so bad, but im trying, I let my husband read what you typed me, I don't let him read any, he said you are a wonderful person to say the things you said, and how you to must be hurting over your loss, and I want to say how very sorry I am for you. I know the pain you are in to, I hope in time we all can heal a little but I just cant see it ever happening for me. seeing other people with thee kids even my sisters , omg it hurts and I feel things I just cant say, its just not fare,  I feel alone and empty. I pray everynight to go with him, I have never been so tired in my life, and im so ready to go. I think everyday about going, but I need to hear from shawn first, again nicholle thank you for careing and being such a special person, you asking to know about shawn is so wonderful, I wish I could tell you more , and I hope some day I can, please tell me about your loss, so I can be here for you to.   all my love   kim 

Comment by Nicholle on June 5, 2014 at 3:12pm

I'm still thinking about you.  I've been struggling hard lately too, I just don't understand what the POINT of being here is. BUT I KNOW there IS one, I have just been blinded by my grief right now. I look around and see people doing menial jobs they feel are so important, and people causing their own dramas they enjoy partaking in, and I don't understand.  I see pretty things, and I know you do, too. You see the stars, you see the fire flies, you see the bunnies, and you know, you can feel it underneath the screaming pain in your head and heart, that he is telling you HEY MOM, IT'S OKAY! LOOK! I'M HERE AND I'M OKAY NOW! I'M EVEN BETTER NOW!  But I understand, Kim. I do. How can it possibly be okay? How is God loving if He can't help us to see where our loved ones are, why can't we just have a little tiny peek for one minute at them so we can feel better? To help us get through the rest of this life?  All we can do is one day at a time. This pain has GOT to let up at least a little.  I wish you one smile, one genuine smile, or maybe something so funny, so Shawn will happen, and you will laugh for a second before you cry.  Or maybe your husband will do just the right thing at the right moment and it will save you right then. 

You are not alone. 

Comment by Nicholle on June 5, 2014 at 3:06pm

Sweetest Kim, 

I can't imagine that pain. I can't.  I haven't lost a child, and all of my dead people are in little boxes, waiting to be scattered somewhere.  Cemetaries, are for me, hard.  Very hard. It's a place to go, and I understand that feeling now whereas I didn't before, but they are hard. It makes me want to crawl through the ground to get to them just thinking about it. Please, please, please PLEASE know that Shawn loves you.  Nothing hurts worse than seeing our babies hurting, and nothing hurts them like seeing their parents hurting. There is a part of him that stays with you, sits with you, holds on to you trying to help heal you.  Please hang in there, Kim. I am endlessly sorry that you are having to go through this. Tell me all about Shawn when you can. I'd love to know him. Nicholle