You know...I trusted you, Mom.  I'm not sure why I didn't see it before, to be honest.  I don't understand how you could do that to your own son!  Your children.  How?  Why?

I remember you telling me not to tell your side of the family anything that went on with my brother.  Just to tell them that he's fine or I don't know.  I was like in 3rd grade when you did that.  It made no sense to me, but it's what my mother told me to do, even though I didn't think it was right, I did what my mother told me.  I said nothing.  The worse things got, the better I clamed up.  But I could hear in their voices that they knew better.  I became so tired of being known as a liar.

I know you don't know this, but Mamaw called me once when I was in my early 20's.  She pulled her "talk" on me.  I can still hear her voice.  "Now, Copper, I know something's wrong with your brother.  I know your mother told you not to tell me anything.  But do you understand that not knowing makes you imagine the worst and scares you far more than the truth would?  I want to know the truth."  She had that ever-present soft voice.  I was so sick of lying.  I promised her that from that point on, I would tell her the whole truth whenever she asked as best I knew it.  I made a promise.  I kept it.

I've seen Dad treat my brother worse and worse since you passed away, Mom.  I've learned how they are and the hatred Dad has and the anger my brother has and can only imagine what they put you through, because I know you were put in the middle. 

But...my brother came over and told me he had made you a promise when he was little.  He was furious about something.  I don't remember what.  But I managed to get him to tell me what was on his mind.  What he told me should have shocked me.  It should have thrown me over the edge.  I should have been a slap with a 2x4.  But...it's like all he told me was it was going to rain today.  I just nodded. 

Tell me something, Mom.  How could you, if you had any sort of conscience, any sort of love for your son, any sense of decency or that motherly protective instinct...How could you make a young boy promise to not tell about being emotionally abused by his adoptive father?  How could you?  WHAT were you thinking, Mom?  I don't understand why you didn't stand up for him!!  Being sent to his room and made to stay there while I went out and played.  FOR NO REASON!!! 

He told me all of this and with all the trouble he's gotten into, I was hesitant to accept his word.  After all, Dad has been nothing but doting and loving of me and my two girls!!  Before this, I would have said he was the perfect father!!  But I started asking him questions.  And my few memories from my childhood started making sense.  They clicked.  It wasn't stray memories that had no connection or explanation anymore.  They made sense!!  THEN, I asked my brother about why he had done something.  He said he couldn't remember because that was where one of his gaps in memory started.  I about fell out of the chair!!!  His gap in memory was identical to mine.  Mom...WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED??!!  That's not the only memory lapse we have, either!! 

I remember telling you about my difficulty with feeling as though I have to please everyone...I have to have approval.  I remember how quickly you snapped at me, "That's on you!!!  That's all on you!!!  We NEVER put that on you!!!"  Really?  So, you're saying that for no reason at all, my feelings of inadequacy and need to be perfect for you and Dad and need for your approval...that all came from me and not from anything that happened when I was a kid.  Right!  That's why you practically jumped down my throat telling me it was all on me. 

You wouldn't stand up for and protect your son.  You wouldn't take responsibility for what you'd done.  You're not the mother I thought you were. 

I remember the dream shortly after you died where you came to me and you looked so sad, so...ashamed.  You asked my forgiveness, telling me you were so sorry.  I figured it was because of that "fight" we had several years ago when you told me to get a divorce instead of telling me to work it out.  I didn't realize what all that apology entailed.  I'm mad at you now.  I'm angry for you not standing up for my brother...your son!!  Do you realize that he probably would have turned out completely different if you had been a real mother?! 

Sometimes I feel I'm being too harsh on you.  Maybe I am.  But it's still very fresh.  He just told me two months ago.  You told me to get a divorce because of how my husband was treating my daughters.  Hypocrite!!  The difference there, Mom, is that I was standing up for my girls and fighting with my husband in that regard and setting him straight and getting between him and my girls, protecting them!!  Not because he would have laid a hand on them...he'd have died before he'd done that.  But because he was having so much trouble with anger in general.  And I wasn't about to let him take it out on my girls!!  But you...you did.  You are the one who called me weak and broken and said you were just stronger than I was and wouldn't let depression or anything bother you.  I was just weak.  You refused to believe I had bipolar even after watching my aunt with it.  You told me there was no such thing!!  Thanks for the support! 

Then you didn't believe my brother had anything wrong.  Well, that panned out really well, didn't it?!  If you'd have listened to him, he probably wouldn't have had that psychotic break!  But then, Dad was refusing to call 911.  So, you would have had to go against him to help your son and we al know now that you didn't bother with that.

I see so many posts in the "I Miss My Mom..." group.  And I can't post a single thing there.  I withdrew from the group.  It just didn't feel right after what I found out.  Yes, I'm sure one day I'll be able to forgive you.  Right now, though, I'm still mad.  It's a concept that is foreign to me.  You stand up for your kids.  You don't make them promise to hide what's happening from the entire family, friends, school.  Because that's your job, you know.  You're the mother.  You're there to protect your children!  Yes, you are to obey your husband, but when you know he's wrong, that he's hurting your children...there's no question.  There should be no hesitation!  But, what do I know?!  I'm weak.

I hope I can work out this anger.  I don't want to be angry with you.  I want to be able to forgive you and move on.  But it's a little too soon, I think, since I found out.  I understand now why you looked so ashamed.  You should be. 

And you were wanting to die from the beginning.  Before it was even considered a serious illness.  You coped out on us.  But then...everything happens for a reason, and everything has a time.  Finally, our time is not His time. 

You spent your time pushing and pushing and pushing religion on me to the point it made me sick.  I didn't want to hear a word about it.  But that's all you talked about.  I'm glad you had it, but why on earth did you have to try to shove it down my throat?!  I don't know that I will ever step foot into another church.  That has nothing to do with my beliefs.  But I just don't know if I can deal with the intense focus on the religion. 

Yep, I see a lot of screwed up things in my life now.  Things I've got to fix/work on.  Thanks to you.  I didn't really need that, especially with my husband gone and unable to help me.  AND my FREAKIN' THERAPIST gone, too! 

Mom, I do love you.  But I'm ticked you did all of this.  None of it was necessary.  I'll never stop loving you.  But it's going to take me a while to work through all of this and forgive. 

Kk, I guess that's it for this blog post.  See ya around!