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Logic against logic
I continue to wrestle and fight with is this concept of logic. I have been saying I can understand these things happen but tell that logic of "these things happen" to my heart as it can't understand. I see now I am fighting logic against logic. It is logical in this day and age to live out a life. It is logical to think that you meet someone who finally fits and you should be able to have the many years deserved, especially at mine and Gary's age. It's logical you should get sick, have some kind of irrefutable sign, first and be given at least a fighting chance. And really, I'd venture to say the likelihood of living out a life - longer than fucking 46 - is overall more probable than not.
But in rare moments when I can be honest and think even just solely about Gary's family history - he was given a shitty card in the first place. In 2001 his oldest brother died suddenly of a massive heart attack at 40. That I knew of well. His father has had a heart attack (which I forgot him telling me) and later had a 5 artery bypass surgery (which didn't know that elaborate of detail until after Gary passed). Another brother had a heart attack a couple years ago (which I think he mentioned once in passing and I forgot about it). I will be hard on myself here because even with the sole knowledge of the oldest brother I should of taken any change in how he was feeling more seriously. But I was too stressed about life and also letting situations/people drain my energy. I can accept the fact Gary and I were both doing the best we could in life while he was physically alive. But now that he's gone, I cannot and that wasn't good enough.
Ever since I've come down from the distant planet to living in the vast, isolating ocean it has been so damn depressing. I'm "here". But I see more of just how lost I am, how broken, how obliterated my life is. I have started to dabble in chakra and third eye meditation in efforts to help me connect more with Gary. In my last medium reading I got a better understanding of what he is doing/working on now in spirit. To learn with him what he is learning - maybe that is the point I will find some sliver of "ok".
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Comment by rachel_micele on February 23, 2016 at 9:57pm
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Thank you Alice for your input. I'm glad you have been able to find some kind of peace. Maybe one day I'll get there ... I don't know. Like you said, "I don't think it's possible to fully resolve the feelings of guilt and regret." I think that could be very true.
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"I cannot believe that the rest of my life will be this way." I know. I always felt it was likely Gary would die before me. It's genuine statistics that women outlive men. But not like this, not now. I can't believe what my life has turned into either.
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I'm so sorry Jane that you can relate to this concept. The main sign happened around 3 months before Gary passed - him feeling like he was having an anxiety attack, almost passing out and falling out of his chair twice. He was a very nervous person and going through an extremely stressful work comp case so an anxiety attack made sense. The next time he told me this was happening (he was my boyfriend, we lived 3 1/2 hours apart, and would be moving in together once the work comp case over) was the day he physically died. If I would of took ten fucking minutes to look up causes for fainting, heart would of been one of the things to come up. I've done it. And seeing that should of made me think of his older brother. This episode freaked him out - that should of been enough to freak me out. I could ask myself why it didn't but I know that answer - and that's pathetic. One of my counselors said we (as humans) do the best we can with what information we have at the time. We're used to the next day coming just fine, we don't think anything otherwise. I know it's all spilled fucking milk now and believe me I have been working since to eliminate the bullshit, stress, and people in my life who do me no good because I cannot accept this of myself. While that's all swell (sarcasm) it doesn't bring him back. It's not fair what this late realization cost us. We deserved a second chance. Getting Gary to go to the doctor may have been another story but I do feel I could of saw this coming. I had a chance to prevent this and I fucking missed it. Like you said, "I did not do my job as his loving [wife] to prevent this."
It's just all so damn sad. I know Gary has been able to find peace but i can't. How do we?? Gary's dad, despite having a heart attack and later the 5 artery bypass surgery, is still alive at 86.! "I keep seeing people who are obese and smoking at 75 or 80, and it makes no logical sense" ... I know ... I need him physically here. I am so damn lost without him.
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Comment by Jane Lock on February 22, 2016 at 5:50pm
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I just wanted to add that all I think about is that I should have read up about the dangers of a TIA in the first 30 days that no one told us about. I should have insisted he saw doctors for the previous months during which he was having headaches everyday. I did not do my job as his loving wife to prevent this.
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Rachel,
I totally understand what you are saying. My husband died of a combination stroke and car accident in June. 2 weeks before, he was in the emergency room and the stupid doctor said maybe it was a TIA and that he could come back for tests 2 days later. He did some of the tests, but did not feel well so they sent him back to emergency. Both times they sent him home. They scheduled him for stroke prevention clinic in August. I never knew this until the letter came in the mail after he died. I still feel like I am writing this about someone else. When I park the car at home, I have to say out loud, that this terrible horror did not happen to someone else, that it happened to me. I keep seeing people who are obese and smoking at 75 or 80, and it makes no logical sense that my dearest 55 year old husband had to be taken from his wife and 3 kids who adored him and he was our only family. We have absolutely no support, and he was the only adult who ever loved me and took care of me. I needed him so much, and it hurts to see other people throw away their marriages in divorce for stupid reasons. I cannot believe that the rest of my life will be this way.
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