Jumped a hurdle today

Hollister died on December 23. He left just before Christmas. While he was in the hospital, all through December, he'd been preparing (behind my back) for Christmas. One day, I caught him with a large wad of money. He told me he wanted to get me something really special for Christmas. While we were talking, he asked if there was something really special I wanted. I told him that I had been wanting an expensive digital camera for some time - there was just never enough money, so I kept putting it off. He said, "Get it." I smiled and told him his money would be waiting at home for him.

Well, he never made it home to spend it. I've been responsible, taking care of his funeral expenses and taking care of the household bills. His money has been sitting here. Today, after having checked out all sorts of possibilities for getting 'the' camera, I finally ordered it. My love had a big heart - and, even in the hospital, he took his time to put together the money for that final gift. Even while I struggle with the questions about whether I could have done more, been more, during his last days, I'm honoring him with the gift he wanted to give me. I can't say I feel worthy of it.

It seems too easy to stay here, alone, and grieve. I'm sure that's not what he would want for me. As Spring edges closer, I'm hoping to take that camera out to see the world - not faraway reaches of it, but the world around me. Maybe it will help me to move forward.

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Comment by anna l. on March 7, 2012 at 10:02pm

Kathy I think that is so wonderful that you get to have the one last gift from him.  What a life gift that is.  I hope you find, looking through the lens of your new camera, a colorful, engaging new world.  We all deserve that.  It just takes so long to see past the black and grey. 

Comment by Kathy S McBee on March 7, 2012 at 8:35pm

Maybe I'm having a flashback to trying to put together a slide show for Hollister's memorial service. He had few photos from his 65 years on this planet.  It would have been great to have shot more photos of him while he was here. He was a ham. I can see that, in photos of him from before we met, and I know he would have loved the attention. So much of him was 'larger than life.' I hope I can learn from that.

Comment by Kathy S McBee on March 7, 2012 at 12:53pm

The camera arrived today. It's funny - I've always looked forward to these things like a kid getting excited that Christmas is coming. Last night, though, I found myself crying a river. Thank goodness that's passed! I can't say why tracking that package affected me that way. All I can really say is that there was a very real link. Perhaps I'm just continuing to balk at moving on.

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