Question: What makes anyone think that after a month that I would stop missing him? I am finding more and more that people are very understanding for the first week or so when you feel like life has really thrown you a curve ball, but less and less as time goes on. I am not even talking about uncontrollable crying or crippling depression, just bring him up or getting misty eyed when mentioning that you don't know how you are going to cope with the holidays this year. It makes people wonder what is matter with you and then ask if this is my first death, like that is answering some unspoken question to why after just a month I am not over my father passing. Should I be?? I even scared to bring him up to those close to me for fear of getting that look like "aren't we over that yet?". The problem is this: Out of 6 kids I am the only one that lives out of state, so seeing my dad was less often then I would prefer. He wasn't a part of my daily life like many of my siblings (one still in high school), so I don't think I have really realized what I have lost yet.  I try to let my self open up to the fact that he is gone but when I do I end up crushed inside and close off. Almost if I close my eyes and wish it away, it never happened. I expressed my fear that when I return home that I am not sure how I will cope, will I still be closed off or will the full impact of my loss hit me. I expressed this concern and received the answer that I have done my grieving it will be fine. What do I do with that, because I feel like I am hanging off that huge cliff of grief and haven't even made the first plunge yet. Every time I start to feel the numbness fade and the pain sets in, I pull back for fear that I will lose myself to it. I have children, husband, work, family, and friends that I feel the constant need to protect from it.  Is it too much to ask for someone to understand and not expect me to forget him the minute his gone? I honestly feel that those around me mistake my always bubbly attitude to mean I'm better and my loss is forgotten. Little do they know that inside I'm broken. Do I want to show my inner turmoil to the world? No, but I also don't want to feel bad when some of that misery does happen to bear it's ugly head.

I would like to point out some distinct difference I am noticing with people's opinions of grief. My grandfather and most likely my grandmother also will be passing away in the next few months due to their disease process' reaching the end (grandfather w/ Parkinson disease and grandmother w/ multiple co-morbid conditions).  Every time I see my grandparents I say goodbye and tell them I love them like it is the last time I will see them. I have been preparing myself for their passing for the last year and watched as each visit their health decreases.  Although I am not under the impression that I will not grieve when they pass, because I know that I will miss them terribly and hurt every time I think of being without them. But I know that I am prepared as a person can be for them to pass on, but I feel when you lose someone so early in life and without warning the feeling is different. The grieving is there for both but somehow I feel like I have so much that was left unsaid when my father passed. I thought I had all the time in the world to tell him how much I care for him. At 29 I was not prepared to say goodbye to someone that I needed so much, and I know that my siblings were not either (one still in high school). I mean no offense with this assumption, for I will find the truth when they pass in the following months, but I feel a since of hurt when someone tells me that when their grandmother died they missed her but they coped. I think it is the grieving stage of anger in me that makes me want to scream at the person for making me feel like I should move on.