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Is it really over? Yet, how can I even ask the question.
Sunday (yesterday) Gary's ashes were buried. A couple days prior I went for broke and gave one last attempt to get some of them. I actually got some. I still can't believe I got it to work out. I've felt like so much was against me. I've been in limbo, stressed, wondering, feeling like I have to be so strategic and careful in how I go about it for 6 months dealing with the concept of his ashes.
I will not elaborate here on details after his passing other than I did not feel able/allowed to see the body and there was no viewing or funeral to abide by Gary's wishes. (Really nothing has been normal with the passing). So not being able to see the body or touch the body to truly understand the life was gone has made the ashes very sensitive for me.
I still feel this hole, lack because I have no true tangible understanding of this happening. The ashes do make things better, at least a little more complete for lack of a better word, as if that is even possible. There seems nothing complete in this kind of loss. But I can see his ashes, touch them, hold them, have something tangible with them, and that's at least better than not. I can have them buried with me when I die which seems rightly so as I died with him and at least some part of me will never come back alive. As of now, I feel yet for any part of me to come back. Knowing Friday I should have some ashes I couldn't breathe, relax, nothing, until I had them in my hand and possession.
I do feel something different now that the ash burial service has happened, maybe something in the realm of closure. Again if that is even possible as nothing feels closed in this kind of loss but it's lack of a better word. I know logically closure is normal in an emotional cycle but how is my situation in this loss even fucking normal ... ?
Part of me feels like it's finally over and all the formality of a death I'm sure has. There is one thing left I guess, the grave marker as it's being made. But it's confusing because while I find the tiniest sliver of relief in that, I don't want it to be over. That would mean it really happened. I feel as though the shock has just barely started to wear off in the last couple months. I look at items, his picture, and I don't want to accept this reality. I still go back to how this wasn't supposed to be my life. This wasn't fair. I don't want this life. I only want him back and the way things were. I can't and don't want to believe what I'm looking at. I don't know what to do. Maybe I need to put this wall aside, allow myself to focus on Sunday, and let that be what I replay in my mind. This was my first meeting a majority of the family as Gary went his own way from them years ago and even a brother who has been in charge of a lot, if not everything including the tending of the ashes, was surprising and extremely kind to me. I was blown away. And this was a brother who Gary despised, they had a falling out years ago, and did not get along at all.
It just hurts to think it's really over. It really happened. Confusing when the pain has been so unbearable for the last 6 months and I don't know now, as it was constant in the beginning and still happens, what's going on with the emotions and my grief. I feel like I've been?, still am?, going? in a bizarre, abnormal, twilight zone of hell. I watched a short part of the movie, The Matrix. What's real, what's not. Is this? Am I really never going to physically see Gary again?? Why ... why did he have to go? God dammit. WHY.
In a recent post I made I said in talking about any trust in this grief process, the one (and really only thing right now) I can trust is the act of feeling and to continually connect with my grief feels better than not. And that's true. That feels authentic to me. But where do I go now??
I have realized in these first weeks back into college semester, I am in no frame of mind to make life career decisions and sort out what I'm doing with college. It's still a struggle thinking beyond today, tomorrow, maybe even the coming weekend. Normally I would mark out on a calendar school assignments for the upcoming month, no big deal. It is a painful stretch at 2 weeks and impossible for anything beyond that. And now in the current happenings, this week is looking even more limited and useless on any capacity.
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Comment by rachel_micele on September 27, 2015 at 11:25pm
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Thank you Bluebird.
I talked with my counselor about this "moving on" concept and it was left in a better place. She agreed it's a platitude that implies something untrue. This wasn't an event, it is a journey. In my mind what you take on a journey will vary but you'll always take some amount of necessities with you. And with that, so will Gary. No negotiations.
That doesn't mean I've been able to accept any of this. That's a whole different story. Given your desire to be done with life, would it be crude of me to say that while I am very and truly grateful you are here and a part of this website, I hope your time left is short so you can finally have peace?
To feel how we need to feel, I agree.
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Comment by bluebird on September 27, 2015 at 7:05pm
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I'm sorry you had such a difficult time with the practicalities, on top of his death, and it's good that you were able to get some of his ashes.
For me, I will never accept my husband's death, it will never be over, I will never "move on". Some people can and want to move on, and that's fine for them. I am not one of them. I died three years ago, when my husband died, and now I am just waiting for my body to do the same.
You feel how you feel. For me as well, to "continually connect with my grief feels better than not", as you put it. So if that's what helps you, even a little bit, then that's what you should do.
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Hi Janet,
I'm sorry we're both a part of this club we have absolutely no desire to be in. I can totally relate to what you say in, "To me it will never ever be over.". Just today I had someone tell me at some point you have to move on. That doesn't mean at all you forget them and of course you change drastically from it, which is how it should be. And this was someone who lost his girlfriend at 25, was together for 3 years, she was also pregnant, and died from a car accident. So I feel he really does understand a lot of this hell. There is also a grief guidebook I've been referencing which has some very helpful things in it and the last chapters (which you don't read until you're ready for it) I saw they were about saying goodbye and boxing up the grief, so the same concept. I say all of that to say this ... I don't understand how that is possible. To me, saying goodbye/moving on is something you do when you break up (!) and Gary and I did not break up. I don't say a lot of nevers but my stance in this moment is I will NEVER say goodbye. Gary and I will never be over. I will NEVER box up my items surrounding him, his ashes, in a way that says that. I understand at some point if I am to come out of the misery, I will have to accept what's happened and find a way to create a new life but I will ALWAYS be actively loving him, wanting to feel him with me and near me. Even if I do make a life with someone new, they will have to accept this, accept the fact his ashes will be buried with me when I die, accept days when I'm crying over him, crying over what was lost.
Maybe I'm taking this terminology too literal but I don't know how else to take it?
Yes ... why, why, and bloody hell why did they have to go ...
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Comment by Janet on September 17, 2015 at 1:08pm
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Rachel.
I am sorry for the loss of your dear husband and soul mate. You mentioned the seasons dealing with the loss of your husband. It is very painful. To me it will never ever be over, I miss my dear husband so much. It feels like yesterday it was the day after Thanksgiving, not a year yet. Dealing with ashes is painful and sad! I can't stand it when others try to tell me how I am suppose to feel. The big question is why, why did they have to go? I just know that this is going to be a long tough journey. I long for my husband, I miss seeing, hearing him, his touch, his love and attention. Thank you for your comment on my post.
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