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In memory of my Sister, Mindy who passed away on New Year's Eve '09 from a drug overdose
I have never made a blog before so I am not sure what to do, but it seems that I am doing a lot of "first things" lately. My head still feels foggy and I still feel a sense of disbelief about my Baby Sister. She was only 35 years old and has 13 year old twin girls. My family is so torn and hurt so much. It feels like there is a big hole in my heart now. I just want this pain to stop. My baby Sister started experimenting with drugs when she was very young. We have tried to help her so many times and my Mom has been raising the twins sinse they were 3. It has been so hard on all of us, but nothing as hard as when she passed away. I live in Florida with my daughter and Husband and it just so happened that my Mom and the twins were here with me when this happened. We received the phone call from my Dad when he heard an expiration for a 35 yr old female on the scanner at my Sister's address. He called my Older Sister and they went to Mindy's apartment and verified that it was indeed Mindy. I feel like I am not only grieving for myself, but for my Parents and her kids as well. My older Sister, Melanie is having such a hard time as well. We had no idea that Mindy was back on drugs again. We all thought she was doing good and staying clean. I know that God does not make mistakes and I know that this is part of his plan, but it still hurts so much. I don't think some people understand that when you lose a sibling it is like a big part of you dies as well. Everyone focuses on the Parents or the surviving Spouse or their children, not the Siblings. I feel like I should not be grieving this long or that I am being selfish for being so upset. Mindy lived with my daughter and I for a while when she left rehab and we used to have talks about how much we all love her and how much we wanted her to stay clean. She carried such a load of guilt on her from not having her girls and from some of the things she has done in the past, but I told her that it was not to late and that's what unconditional love is. I feel so sad, hurt, angry, helpless, depressed, shock, and I don't know how to describe other things I feel. Sometimes I feel like we actually lost Mindy a long time ago to drugs, but this time it is permanent. I miss her so much and I love her so much I wish I could just tell her that one more time.
Comment
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Comment by Lauren Bosi on March 15, 2010 at 3:09pm
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You did tell her, you tell her everyday and she can hear you. Michelle, she is always with you. Keep talking to her. I am sorry for your loss. I lost my sister just over two years ago and I have to say, it's barely getting better. But it is and I know she would want me to keep "trekking" on so I do, But I do talk to her everyday. Love to you and your family
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Comment by Michelle on January 27, 2010 at 9:27am
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I am feeling really bad today for my Father and my Older Sister for going in and seeing Mindy when she died at her house. They think she was down for 10-12 hours before they found her. I wish they would not have went in to see her and have that vision. I can't understand why her boyfriend was there and did not know that she was laying there dead for all those hours and did not check on her. He said he was sleeping too and just thought that is what she was doing. My older Sister, Melanie heard them call for a possible expiration on the scanner and thought at first it was for Mindy's boyfriend because he has been so sick and in and out of the Hospital. That is how Mindy got some of the medicine that caused her to die. I am not sure why a Doctor would prescribe someone Fentynal Patches for Diabetic Neuropothy?? I am so angry at that Doctor and I want to know why he was giving them to him. I know that I can not blame everyone else, but it is so hard for me to be mad at my Sister. I love her so much and I would give her my life if I could have. I am so sad I don't want to do anything. I just want to stay in bed!!
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Not having a good day today. I have been feeling really sad and angry today. When I was working I felt like I was walking around in a fog. My memory is horrible and I keep worrying about my nieces who are having a really rough time as well. I am so far away from them and I feel bad about it. I am also feeling like I am taking to long to grieve. I feel like everyone around me is sick of me feeling sad and looking sad. I feel like I am being rushed to get over this and that since it was my Sister I shouldn't be this upset. Society really does down play grief. I stand back and look around and I can tell people deliberately avoid me at work so they don't have to say anything to me. That makes me feel angry.
I hope that maybe someone can see these blogs that have trouble with drugs and see that it not only kills you, but it really kills part of the family as well. The ones left behind have some days were they feel like they can not even get out of bed. When I found out my Sister died, I fell to the floor and just wanted to stay there thinking that maybe if I didn't get up it would not be true. If anyone can tell me of sites that help deal with the understanding of drug addicts I would appreciate it. I have never been an addict so I do not understand it. I want to understand and believe that my Sister could not help it and that we were more important then the drugs werre. I feel in my heart that we all were more important, but the drugs just take over. I also would like to know if anyone knows of a site that helps with Sibling grief. Thanks for taking the time to read this blog and I hope that in some way it will bring comfort to someone. I know that there are a lot of people out there that have lost loved ones over drugs and feel this sense of helplessness before and after they die.
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Comment by Charlotte on January 25, 2010 at 6:14pm
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My heart goes out to you Michelle as you traverse this long road. I am so sorry for you and your family to hear about your sister, Mindy. My son, Jeremy also had a long history of drug abuse since high school which ultimately took his life on this Thanksgiving sometime after midnight. We are waiting for the coroner's report to see just how much and what he took. Jeremy had a little girl, Fayth who is ten now and without a Dad too. He was doing so well, put on weight, seemed optimistic and looking forward to the future without drugs so he could be with his little girl. I find comfort in the fact that he is no longer tortured by this terrible addiction and is finally at peace but I miss him so much. I just stop when I feel I need to cry so that grief pours out of me until the next time which is not as often now. This website has helped me so much verbalize my broken heart and hear other people's story and hear from them too.
Take care of yourself and remember the good times and celebrate Mindy's life,
Charlotte
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Comment by Laura Villarreal on January 25, 2010 at 7:09am
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Michelle, my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your sister. Glad you found this website...it has truly been a godsend for me. While I have not lost a sibling my 33 year old daughter (and only child) died on May 25, 2009 (4 wheeler accident). I know what you mean about a hole in your heart and the seemingly never ending pain. We all grieve differently and there is no timetable for grieving. It seems you and your family provided a wonderful support system for her and loved her unconditionally...keep this in your heart and thoughts as this will help you move through this dark and difficult time. At first, my emotions ranged from feeling nothing to raging anger...anxiety and panic attacks were a daily occurrence for me but I can now recognize the onset and handle them appropriately. It is said time heals all wounds but I don't believe that anymore. The grief and sadness will always be there like a chronic condition; we just learn to incorporate them into our daily lives/emotions...
Take care and come back as often as you need to.
Laura
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