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Comment by joanne on April 29, 2017 at 6:09am

Jackie, im so sorry for your loss, my so called friends are also non existent, like you I understand they have lost the fun, happy person I once was, I will never be that person again, that person died when he did. I also understand the family part, Andy's family never really bothered with him, but when he died they made it all about them, I will never forgive them. I wish I could give you some words of comfort, but I know nothing I say will help you, so please just take care and I send you hugs xx

Morgan, I too am over everyone and everything, I only go to work to pay the bills and for my children, without them to support I would never leave the house, I don't like people anymore, with their silly little problems and no clue that this life and a happy every after is just a stupid illusion that doesn't exsit. What is the point of beinģ born with the ability to love with all our heart only for it to be ripped open, its a cruel joke it must be. Morgan take care. Xx

Comment by Jackie cooke on April 29, 2017 at 2:47am

All this is so true , there is no joy in waking up, every night i won't, it's 7 weeks today since my life came to an end and every day is worse. Friends are non existent,i don't blame them,the happy fun person has gone and all that's left is this empty shell that cries every time someone speaks. Iv also hot to face selling out home which we have shared for 36 years, and now having solicitors letters from her daughter who never bothered with her wanting all watches jewellery and chattel?? What ever that is. She never had anything, we had no money for jewellery, also I can't even move her clothes from where she left them the night before she died, let alone rummage through stuff for her chattels. It's disgusting ,vulchers. No I don't want this life, there is no future for me alone. I have to sort this somehow

Comment by morgan on April 29, 2017 at 12:30am

Joanne,

The refrain is so similar and familiar for all of us.  I was at Lowes tonight and I was picking up things for the job I am doing and the fellow who was helping me said I should be on a beach somewhere reading a book having a good time and let the contractor do the job.  I said "I am the contractor".  Of course being a woman his next words were "well, why would you be doing that"?  I thought after four years I had gotten good enough at faking this whole damn thing and when I started to say "my husband died and I am doing this to pay my bills" ......I was already in tears.  I am so sick of putting on a face and trying to do things when inside I just want to die and anytime I get put in a position where people want to know more about me I start to explain just a little and then I end up crying.    I hate it.  

So, I am finding that my despair and desperation is turning into a determination.  One that focuses on how I am going to hasten my death.  I am convinced that if I work hard enough and not eat right that I can compromise my health enough that it will take a natural course. 

When I think about being left behind, I too get very angry.  I am pissed that I have been left to deal with this inconsequential life where his spirit has been taken from me and he is not giving me the comfort and support that I need.  Yes, I need, and I only want it from him.  No one else.  I could care less about anyone else.  I am so totally over everyone and everything.

 Now that I have gotten to a point where I can function better everyone thinks the breakdowns are an aberration.  But that couldn't be further from the truth.  The breakdowns are there all the time. I have just gotten better at being able to control when they happen but they are constantly there just waiting to happen.  Like tonight.  

I also don't know how I have managed this constant feeling of loss for this long.  My eating is erratic. My sleep is so out of whack and taking things to help me sleep either stuff me up or make me so groggy when I wake up.  All I really want to do is stay in bed and sleep. A lot.  Instead I am having to pretend I care about living.  What a joke.  I have no desire to be with people.  No interest whatsoever.  I do some of it because of what I am doing but essentially I could care less.

I want to go back too.  If only there was a way forward or backward.  All we have is this lonely solitary present.  Yeah. some gift huh?