What a day. I'm trying to get some help with my weight and my arthritis. I get such terrible debilitating migraine headaches. I know my being top heavy is causing part of the problem. I don't understand why I have to be the one to figure out what's wrong with me. I go the doctor, and instead of helping figure out why i'm having them in the first place, all he did was complain about how much medicine it takes to get rid of them. I figured out that my weight, and being so top heavy pulls on my neck bone, and collar bones, which in turns causes migrains, and major upper body pain. The doctors should have thought of it certainly before me. It's not like you can't see it. Anyway, I have been researching gastric by pass. I know it's a big decision. I know it's risky, and I know that I will have to follow the rules. I also know I cant carry this around anymore. When your in a psych ward the only thing to do is eat. They don't pay attention to what you eat. That's all I had to do there, and I was sad, and angry, and confused. What do most people do under these circumstances, Eat! Food my biggest weakness when i'm hurt and confused, and they just kept feeding. My body being this way is my own fault. I take responsibility for my weight. Anyway in order to get any surgical help for weight you have to have a psych evaluation. My intuition told me to not go this Dr. but he was recommended by my therapist so I did it anyway. Big mistake. He told me I had a lot of unresolved trauma. Duh! I had my dialog out figured out in my head before I got there, because I think out coversations before I have so I'm careful not to say the wrong thing in fear that they will lock me up. Then he hit on a very raw spot. He started talking about my little boy, the fire, and he asked what did I do to get myself locked in a psych ward. I just lost it. So I told him that all I said to my pastor was that I just wanted to go to heaven just for a minute to hold my little boy just one more time. That's all I said and at the time I was in the hospital because after surgery on my spine nobody told me I had to wean off the pain medication. So I went home feeling pretty good so I stopped taking them and 2 days later I was as sick as ever. It was horrible. I was at home like that for 2 days before I finally went to the dr. They put me in a bed, and that's when I said the thing about heaven to my pastor. After that all hell broke loose. She told the Drs that I was suicidal. I couldn't speak very well because they went through my throat to get to my spine, and it was swollen. I couldn't eat solid food because of the surgery so they thought I was trying to commit suicide by starvation. What 200lb woman tries to starve herself to death. Of course nobody told me this information or what was being said. The next thing they did was call my husband who was very sick with the flu and a 103 fever that I needed to go to a bigger hospital. they gave him papers to sign. Didn't give him a chance to even read them, and with a high fever he was too sick to understand what was going on. so he signed them. He didn't know it but he signed a paper commiting me to a 90 stay in the psych ward. Nobody told me any of this. I was taken to a bigger hospital. They put me on one side of the door and my husband on the other side, and closed, and locked them. That's when I lost it. In my mind they were locking me away for killing my child even though I wasn't there when he died. Then the Drs drugged me because he believed what was down on paper from the Drs that sent me there. Everything they wrote on the papers was a lie. Any way I went through months of different medications that made me sick, psycho therapy that made things worse. Torture, plain and simple. Anyway being locked I way all I could do was eat. I gained a bunch of weight. Anyway now I'm having a very hard time taking it off so I am looking into gastric bypass. That's why I agreed to see a psychologist to get a clean bill of health so I can get help for my weight. I went there today. I was stunned at the things he said to me. He brought up all of the past. He asked me what I did to get myself locked up. I've been explaining what happened back then to many times. Then he asked all kinds of questions. Then he started going on and on about his other patience. I don't want to know about his other patience. It's none of my dang business. Then he starts going on about how he can cure my PTSD. I told him I had already had the procedure he was suggesting, but he just kept going on, and on. He told me I need to go all the way back to my childhood for it to work. I told him that when I was locked up for 90 days that they did all of that with psychotherapy, and all kinds of other ridiculous and harmful to me stuff. He said to me that back then the protocol for therapy was all wrong. all wrong! so what? they used me as a guinea pig? All the things they did to me was wrong, and I'm still paying the price for their unproffesional ignorance? What the hell is that? I have heard so many times from different people who were there at the time this all went down how wrong everything they did to me was. Now this Drs asking me what I did to cause my mental health problems? Then he brings up the fire, the nightmares, and my burned child. I just lost it. I worked so hard to keep my mouth shut. I even held my hand over my mouth. The whole time at this appointment he had this strange tick in his face. I couldn't tell if he was serious or smiling. All I could think was that I wanted to just slap him, and I'm not a violent person. I cry when I hit a pheasant on the highway, but slapping this Dr sure crossed my mind. I know i'm sensitive when it comes to my little boy and what happened, but I ask you this, what mother who has lost a child isn't? He said he'd like to "cure" me so when the thoughts enter my mind I won't care. I said "are you kidding me"? These so called Drs. have over the years stripped me of many things including my sanity, and this Dr wants to start this all over again? I think not! I was so stunned by it all that I couldn't even remember the questions I wanted to ask about weight loss, and bypass surgery. Needless to say I was sick as heck the whole 160 miles home. I thought last week was rough? Today felt like it took forever to get over. I try not to wish for days to go by too fast, but I prayed and prayed for this day to be over. The only good thing about today was driving by the spot where my Ben was killed. The farmer had just mowed the area for hay, and the smell was heavenly. That Dr didn't even ask me about Ben, AJ, or the accident that crippled my daughter and killed my son. That Dr can take his cure and shove it. They wonder why people don't get help when they need it. I'm so glad I can come here, and let this nasty stuff out where I'm safe to do so. I think if I couldn't write this stuff down here I would explode, implode, whatever! Tomorrow just has to be better!