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Comment by M Adams on December 1, 2018 at 1:31pm

Pamela, so sorry you're having to deal with this -- of course it's great that you're able to let your daughter move her family into your home when she's in need of support, but she must respect that it is your home and you decide what photos and mementos you want to have on display.

Wondering if it's possible that your daughter is actually grieving differently from you -- that while you find pictures and mementos comforting, she experiences them as harsh reminders of loss. I've been going through something that might be analogous with my father. The day after my mother died I discovered that he had gone around the house and thrown a lot of family photographs of her and cards in the garbage (her death was shortly after his birthday and their anniversary, so there were lots of cards and such on display). Even the card from my mother for his birthday was in the trash. I didn't say anything, just secretly retrieved the pictures and put them in my bag, but I was very upset, partly because for me, populating my home with pictures and souvenirs of my husband has helped me survive for the last two years -- guess I thought he would be similar, but for him the first impulse was to remove reminders. Now, two months later, he does seem to want a few photos and other mementos around -- for example, he pulled out his wallet the other day to show me that he has started carrying her picture in there -- but he's definitely not like me.

However, even if seeing the photos makes your daughter sad, even if she thinks they are making you sad, it is still your home and sanctuary, and must be arranged the way that you want it. (That said, if there were photos etc. right where she is sleeping, and they upset her, you might be willing to consider relocating those to your own private space, maybe -- but it must be up to you.)

Actually I'm quite scared that my father will behave the same way in my home -- because of my mother's health problems I've been at their place helping out for much of the last five years, only having short respites at home from time to time, and they haven't been able to travel to visit here (we live in different countries). Now that my father's alone he will be visiting and probably wanting to move in permanently in short order, and he is a forceful character to say the least, so the situation you describe may very well come up here. He hasn't seen how I've arranged the house since my husband's death, and now that I think about it he will probably disapprove of all the photos, cards, etc., that I keep on display.

This is the kind of situation where it's one thing to give advice, another to heed it; I'm not at all sure that I'd be able to stand up to my father the way I'm imagining you dealing with your daughter -- but I think it's really important that your wishes and your grief be respected in your home. Hope you can make it clear to her that you intend to keep your space in whatever manner gives you the most comfort in your bereavement. Or, better yet, maybe you already have?

Comment by Virginia G on November 30, 2018 at 2:24pm

I don’t think you should put anything away that you don’t want to.  Why?  You aren’t going to stop loving the person.  My cousins tried to tell me how I should be acting so I stopped going there for comfort and they are my only relatives besides my Dad, who I don’t have a good relationship with.  Finally my therapist, who happens to be friends with my cousin, talked to her and tried to make her understand my feelings and she backed off.  I take meds for depression and anxiety that I already had but like my therapist says there’s no med for grief.

Comment by Pamela philipp on November 19, 2018 at 8:42am

thank you so much for your advice billy jo colt and morgan because you are absolutely right this is why I come on this site  because people here truly understand how I feel thanks again morgan and billy jo have a blessed day

Comment by Billy Jo Colt on November 19, 2018 at 4:56am

Hi Pamela, I can understand your situation as you aretorn between two worlds. Your daughter in her own way is trying to help you with your grieving process. She thinks that her way is the only way through your grief. It is also a confrontation you don't want to be in. She really hasn't any rights in your home, even if she thinks she is doing what she thinks is right. Grieveing is a very personal thing and no one has any right to tell others when to stop their grieving process and I mean no one.

Your daughter is also being out of line by telling you that you need medication. You don't need medication. Perhaps some Counselling, if you choose to. You have to decide yourself and no one else. No one else has that right. Only you can choose your path through the grief. Many people on here and others who have lost someone they love so much feel very similar. I did and still do. I can also understand you don't want to be forcefull and tell her to put the things back where they belong in your life. If talking to her and explaining your feelings doesn't work, then put the things back yourself and tell her not to touch them. This is your life, your grieving and she seems to have dealt with her grief. Her grief isn't yours, it is hers and so many people think they know what is best for us and they simply don't. They are niether educated enough or have been convinced by todays psychologists to "Get over it". It isn't the way the grieving process works. Not in my opinion or many on this site and others not on this site. iI appreciate your dilema but you are where you are in your grief and trying to push you may only lead to further stress, which it seems to be doing. I also can see where you might not want to over rule your daughter. Another thought is that she compromises and allows you some itemes back in their place. That is still giving into her demands which I would be unhappy with. It is for a short term and a possible compromise. Remember you are in charge of your own grieving process. No one else is or has that right to dominate your free choices or tell you how to grieve. That is your own personal world and clearly is affecting you right now.  Try to be strong and if talking to her doesn't work, then put the items back where they were and tell her not to touch them again.

Comment by morgan on November 18, 2018 at 8:46pm

Pamela,

I may not be the best person to respond because U can get kind of feisty `but i am going to anyhow.  I will be at six years in January.  I have pictures of my husband all over my house.  I am still slowly going through boxes I packed in 2013 that sat in storage for five years until I brought them here to my more permanent residence. I tackle another box when I feel up to it and have somewhat prepared myself for the inevitable breakdown I will have.  I have a sister who is alot like your daughter.  But after five plus years she has just begun to comprehend what has happened to me.  She thinks I am still the same person I was before my husband died.  She is slowly accepting the truth because I cannot allow her (or anyone) to think they know how I feel.  They are MY feelings and they cannot be changed because someone wishes to fit me in their life in THEIR way. 

You said your daughter made you put all the things that are important to you out of the house by claiming you need to move on, that you are crazy and need medication. You say you don't want to be in your own house like this and how can you have her understand your grief.  You ask how do you deal wth this crap.

I am going to give a link to something that I can only hope will help.  go to:   whatsyourgrief.com  It is a list of "64 things I wish someone had told me about grief."  I think #27 and #38 apply the most for me but all of them have something to impart.  Take a read through them.  Then pick a few of the ones that might apply to your situation and see if they help you solve your dilemna.  

Looking back at three years I was still a total mess.  I am still working through my days.  I really have yet to say I can go more than I day to a day and half without crying.  Breaking down and missing him terribly.  Some of us just had the kind of relationships that others will never understand but that is not a reason for them to tell us we need to fix ourselves.  We're good exactly where we are.  Its they who have yet to understand who really needs fixed.

Please don't let anyone else tell you how you need to grieve.  They were not married to the most important person in your life.  You were.  

morgan