Last night I was reading Jo B's blog about all the why's. Then I read the response from Dennis C. I went to the biblical site that he recommended. I have been afraid to read a lot of the bible because I wanted to keep believing the way my heart has led me too. I read the scriptures on the page. There it was. My heart was right. God does not do these awful things that happen to us on this earth. The truth is when man allowed sin to enter into him, he also allowed satan to take over. It is satan who does this to us. It is he who causes death, and destruction to come upon us. God is love, God is good, and because he gave us the gift of free will. It was God who made himself human to come to earth as the Son of God to save us from this terrible thing called sin. I grew up fearing God, and being afraid of death, and all that goes with it. I was raised to be good so I wouldn't go to hell, or purgatory. I am a sinner. I have always been a sinner. When my little boy died I thought I killed him. I thought that because of my sins God took my son, and I was to live the rest of my life feeling guilty, and to blame. For many years I carried that burden. I have carried the guilt, and the sorrow that has darkened my doorstep, and broken my heart. I tried to find the answers as to why, why me? It was right there all the time. In the bible. The bible that I was too afraid to read, to angry to believe anything, or believe in anyone in that book. Over the years I have built my own answers for why I had to bury my child. I decided I could not believe in a God that would cause so much pain, and sorrow. I couldn't believe in a God who would take my sins out on my beautiful child. All the things that were said to me after his death. Things like, God mustve needed an angel, or it was his time, and of course, only the good die young. Crap! It's all Crap! God didn't take my child. God didn't take him to punish me. God had nothing to do with the death of my child, but God had everything to do with comforting me, and taking my beautiful son up to heaven to be with him until my death when we will be reunited. I know now the truth. I know that God could stop all the death and destruction here on earth, but then he would have to take away the gift of free will. We need that gift. We need that gift to fight sin. To show satan that he will never rule the people. At least not the true believers. Those who take Jesus Christ as their Lord, and Savior will also suffer death, but only the death of the body, not the death of the soul, and spirit. I have felt this for a long time. I just didn't know it. I didn't know it because the pain, and grief were so much to bear that I couldn't feel it in my heart. Then when my son Benjamin was killed something happened. I felt it when I held his lifeless body in my arms. I started to feel the comfort, and the truth of God. Since Ben died my heart has been telling me all along that God did not do this, and I finally started to listen to my heart, soul, and spirit. Not all at once, but little by little. When others would ask me about God I would tell them what I believed in my heart. I was never really sure that what I believed was the truth, but I needed to believe it so I could live. I figured since I couldn't live without feeling this way, and I haven't been able to feel any different that maybe I was ok. I am ok! The first thing I read in the bible that made any sense to me was Matthew 18:14 For it is not the will of my Father in Heaven that the little one's should parish. After I read that I was a lot closer to knowing that my heart was telling me the truth. Than I read the scriptures that Dennis C. had posted to Jo B. I read the post last night, but I couldn't bring myself to actually read the site he added to his post. Today when I got up I couldn't get it out of my mind, so I looked up Jo B's post again, and I went to the site Dennis C. suggested. There it was as plain as the nose on my face. As simple as the song in my heart. The truth! The truth that I unknowingly have believed since Ben died. Thank you God! Thank you Jesus, and Thank You Dennis C. for the proof that what my heart has been telling me for the last 6 years is the God's honest truth! I really thought something was wrong with me this past Oct. because I didn't feel the darkness like I have in the past. Instead I felt the love, and happiness that all of my children have brought to my life. There's nothing wrong with me! I am not a cold hearted witch. I am loved! I am loved by God, and my family, and friends! Satan will never have my soul. He will never have power like that over me ever again. I give all of my love, and trust to GOD! Blessed be God the Father, the Almighty! I know one day I will hold my sons in my arms again, and until then God will be my rock, my King, and my Guide! Amen, Amen, Amen!!!!!