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Comment by Colleen McCann on January 31, 2016 at 7:42pm

I am glad I found this site. I have read so many of people's posts. We all are grieving and we all understand.

Comment by bluebird on January 30, 2016 at 10:26pm

{{{{{{{{{{{{Anne}}}}}}}}}}}

Comment by bluebird on January 30, 2016 at 8:48pm

Yes, it is.  I am sorry for all of us.

Comment by Hilary Christene on January 30, 2016 at 8:47pm

Yes. The separation from such a loving soul, who would never harm another is unbearable.

Comment by bluebird on January 30, 2016 at 8:44pm

Hilary, that is very sweet of you to say.  Thank you.  My husband is probably the best person I have ever known.  He's not perfect, to be sure, but such flaws as he has are minor and never meant to be hurtful.  He is loving, kind, smart, funny, wonderful.  I'm not perfect either, by any means, but he and I are perfect for each other.  It is truly a tragedy that we have been separated, it is wrong, even if there actually is an afterlife in which we will be happily reunited forever. 

 

Comment by Hilary Christene on January 30, 2016 at 8:34pm

Bluebird, I find you infinitely lovable. No wonder your husband was able to connect so deeply to you. He must have been magnificent.

Comment by bluebird on January 30, 2016 at 3:40pm

Hilary Christene,

I agree with you.  My husband and I were and are devoted to each other.  We are part of each other. Not only would another relationship be blasphemy to me, it is literally impossible.

In one way, the people who do not love as we do are better off, in that their pain is, if not finite, at least not as soul-destroying. They can, as you said, value their continuing lives, whereas I cannot.  My life now has absolutely no value, and never will again. On the other hand, those people have also had to live without feeling the kind of deep soul love my husband and I feel for each other, and that is very sad.

I have always (since I met my husband) known how horrific my life would become if my husband died before I did; I just never expected it to happen so soon, so unfairly.  But I knew that if it happened I would never want to continue with life, and I was right.

I appreciate what you said, about the "shallow, ignorant insistence [of others] that [you] should unchoose what is outside [your] power to have chosen".  It is the same for me -- there is no choice involved, it is simply what is. My despair is the natural reaction to my husband's death; for me, it is the only possible reaction.  I refuse to smile through anything, though. I am miserable, and cannot be otherwise. I see no reason to pretend otherwise, and I refuse to do so.  I am glad that when you come here, you are "....spared further pain when [your] honest expression of [your] grief's nature is not rebutted".

Comment by bluebird on January 30, 2016 at 3:20pm

joanne,

I really don't understand people who enter another relationship after the death of their spouse/partner.  I don't think it's wrong of them to do so, after some time (though in my opinion 9 months is way too soon), but I don't understand it at all.  I love my husband. I love ONLY my husband (well, I also love my family, but I mean in terms of him being my soulmate/spouse/lover).  I will never love anyone else, I would never even want to.  So I don't understand those people who do, or who want to.  Still, what they do is up to them, and it's really none of my business. They have to make the decisions in their own lives, that they feel are right for them.  I don't understand at all when people want to be in another love relationship after the death of their spouse/partner, but it doesn't matter if I don't understand, because it's not my life.

I'm 47, and I fervently hope that I do not have many years ahead of me.  My plan is to live for as long as our cat lives, as I love him and he needs me to take care of him, and then I'm done. I've had people say that I will "meet someone else", too, and I tell them that no I fucking won't, because I will never be with anyone else. Hell, I barely interact with the world or with people anymore, and to the extent that I do at all, it's only because I have to in order to work and go the store and such.  If I were wealthy, I would never leave the house or interact with anyone other than my immediate family.  It offends me when people say shit like that, too, about meeting someone else.  I don't even want to make friends with anyone, much less anything more than that.  If anyone did ask me out or express an interest, I would absolutely refuse.

Having my husband die so soon after our wedding is hell.  I don't believe there is a "god", but if so then that was a big "Fuck you both" from god, or from the universe, or whatever.  My husband's death has quite literally destroyed my life. I want nothing from life anymore, other than for it to end quickly. 

Just because you and Andy were not technically married doesn't mean he isn't your husband. My husband and I were together for nearly 13 years before we actually got married, and basically considered ourselves married for most of that time. It's love that makes a marriage, and loyalty, and friendship, and attraction, etc. You were together for 20 years - you were married.  Having his name tattooed on your wedding ring finger is a great idea.  I don't know if he was cremated, but if so there are some tattoo artists who will include some of his ashes in the ink and tattoo them into you, if you are interested in doing that (most tattoo artists won't do that, so if you want to do it, you will need to check around).

Comment by Hilary Christene on January 28, 2016 at 10:59pm

I don't think we can choose the depth of our devotion. Some of us had total devotion, as if a force greater than any other took hold of us and lashed us, burned us, melded us into that other, beloved soul. That's what claimed me utterly in my endless fall for D. It was magical, otherworldly, inexpressible, intermingling. Another love is blasphemy to me. This is my life's resplendent blessing which death now reveals to me its tragic, terrible curse. Such love, and now I am forever lost. That others do not suffer this, that others do not know what incomprehensible depth of pain defines the wake of this type of loss... it is good for them and they have my blessing. They don't love like I do, clearly. They can value their continuing lives, they can find new joy in their relative detachment. The abhorrent suggestion of intimacy with another is definitely not for me. It seems I go against the grain and my experience being shared here by some on this site is allowing me a shred of remaining sanity. I can't give a rat's ass how others cope. I am busy surviving unwilling in a daily waking hell. Often this requires me smiling through their shallow, ignorant insistence that I should unchoose what is outside my power to have chosen. Still, I do not begrudge them their life experience. I am comforted...well, not comforted, but spared further pain when my honest expression of my grief's nature is not rebutted.

Comment by joanne on January 28, 2016 at 7:10pm

Hi bluebird , I too can sort of understand people who enter another relationship after losing their spouse, I get that people need too feel and be loved again and good luck to them i say,but 9 months too me is disgusting and thats just me expressing my opinion , I however could not , im only 42 and I probably will have many years ahead off me and I've had people say to me that I might meet someone else one day, and you know what, that really offends me, they obviously dont understand my love for Andy, like you I will never date or enter into another romantic relationship with anyone else and i can say that so easily,besides saying I did meet someone else( I'm being hypothetical here) what would be the point because another man would only ever be second best and i dont want that, it wouldnt be fair to that person, i found my one and he's gone and took half of me with him, the other half of me now just goes on for my children, our children , he was a wonderful dad and i will not let him down, I'm so sorry you lost your husband so soon after your wedding,  I simply cannot imagine what that must have been like for you, I call Andy my husband but we never actually married(something I will always regret) we just never got round to it  i guess we always thought we'd have time too oneday, but were together 20 years,I'm not the tattoo type but his birthdays in April and on that day I'm going to have his name tattooed on the finger a wedding ring should go, I guess its a way for me to say I'm yours faithfully, always forever.Take care bluebird xxx

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