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Comment by bluebird on December 6, 2015 at 7:46pm

I don't know if death is the end or not; I don't know if there is an afterlife or not. But, like you, I am terrified that there is no afterlife, and that comes in part from knowing that my husband would come to me if he could, knowing that I am desolate without him. I need HIM, not supposed "signs".  Maybe there is an afterlife and all he can do is send signs, in which case that is a fucked up way for god or whatever to run things, or if there is no god then it's just a fucked up way for the universe to run.

Only one of two things will convince me that there is an afterlife and that my husband exists in it and is happy and is himself and that he and I will be together again:  (1) if he actually, literally comes to me and tells me so, in such a way that I cannot mistake his visit for my own wishful thinking; (2) if I die and am reunited with him.

I really don't think that anything less than one of those two events will convince me.  And while I would be happy with either, I would prefer to just die and be with him, as soon as possible.

Comment by Mary Smith on December 4, 2015 at 9:15pm

I'm so sorry for your pain, Morgan's pain and my pain. Morgan is right, this forum is a way to share our deepest feelings.  Sometimes the only thing I feel, hear, see, smell, touch, hear - is pain.  I recently read a book by Stafford Betty, "The Afterlife Unveiled" and it brought me comfort and hope that there is a next step in the journey.  But more and more I have to accept,  whether its a day that I believe the afterlife is what is described by Stafford Betty or a day I believe its "lights out, blackness" like the final episode of Sopranos,  my sister is gone.  I hate the way I feel and I just keep fighting to get out of the fog.   I know she loved me and she would never want me to live in this pain and I keep telling myself the way to honor her memory is to live - so I keep trying.  But some days I just want to pull the covers over my head, continue to cry and stay in bed.

Comment by Dennis C. on December 4, 2015 at 11:35am

I am so sorry for your loss.

What brings me comfort is what the Bible teaches...not religion.

Here is what the Bible says

Ecclesiastes 9:5,6 — For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing at all, nor do they have any more reward, because all memory of them is forgotten. 6 Also, their love and their hate and their jealousy have already perished, and they no longer have any share in what is done under the sun.

Jesus said that death was like sleep.

So this is why they why our loved ones are silent. There is hope though. The Bible says:

Acts 24:15 — And I have hope toward God, which hope these men also look forward to, that there is going to be a resurrection of both the righteous and the unrighteous.

They will be resurrected, and we will be reunited with them. But until then they are asleep.

This comforts me, maybe it will help you

Comment by morgan on December 3, 2015 at 8:16pm

Oh Joanne,  this site where we all express the most base feelings of our emotions is uncovering and revealing the most unacceptable face of what death has done to our psyches and I for one am wondering how we are supposed to cope with what we see as the truth.  Your post is just one more uncomfortable truth that because this site has become an honest place of revelation smacks us in the face with how we all feel.  

It is true.  As much as we have been lulled into beliefs over time and the thoughts become ingrained we don't really want to accept otherwise.  But deep down inside where no one wants to tread we uncover the truth.  Most don't want to face it.  I don't.  I want to try to find something that makes me believe that my beloved husband is somewhere either watching over me or waiting for me.  I go through that labor every day.  And yet I lie to myself.  I know it is so damn difficult to believe he is somewhere and at the same time I say who am I kidding.  

That conflict is what is burying me.  I have spent the past two years and ten months counting days waiting for some sign, some small indication, some light that helps me better understand what his death has done to me.  The me that lived.  The me that was so in love with the man who was so in love with me.  I cannot grasp the loss of that.  I have tried.  For a long time.  I simply cannot understand this loss.  It has left me beyond bereft.  I am hollowed out.  That sensation has taken on new meaning.  And like you I feel as if my husband could see me in the kind of pain I have been in he would in no way allow me to have to suffer like I am.  He never wanted anything for me but the best of his love and to feel as abaandoned as I do is just crushing.  Everything I have done up to this point is exactly what you said.  I have done it to prove to msyself that I am wrong and he is somewhere.  Waiting.  That is until about two weeks ago.

Now I am losing all hope.  I am drawing in and hating more than I have all this time.  I am slowly drowning in the melancholy of loss and I have just begun not to care anymore.  I don’t know if it will last but right now nothing is worth living for.  Nothing.  Before I would do things just to keep moving.  I’ve now stopped and I don’t know what will change this but right now I’m not moving at all. I’ve quit. Not totally but almost.  How long can I out up with myself being like this? I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  In the meantime I put up with the crying breakdowns and keep holding on. For what I have to decide.

morgan