to all of who have suffered the loss of a spouse,

we have had to endure endless days and nights of immeasurable pain.  A pain that is indescribable to all but to those who are experiencing it.  A chasm so deep that there isn't anything that can fill the void left.

I have times. like I had from November through January, where the pain was so gut wrenching, so unbelievably torturous that I couldnt walk, talk eat or sleep for days at a time.  For this fifth year anniversary it was like being back at day one where I laid in a fetal position on our bed clutching his box of ashes propping his picture on his pillow and barely able to move. Getting into a shower was an effort like climbing a mountain.  It was like that again for me just recently.

Now I am at the end of March.  And though I might be better able to function through a day right now as opposed to then, my mind is becoming less able to fight off the need to survive.  I have undertaken projects that keep me distracted, I have made two new friends and have three old friends plus a sister who I know care about me and my situation of grief but there is nothing that I have done for the past five years that has removed the urge to end it all.  In fact, it has gotten stronger as I can barely think about having to live longer without him.  I just cannot continue to push myself like I have, pretending that somehow this is going to be different or better or livable.  

I'm really exhausted and even writing this it makes me want to cry because of how empty I feel.  How hard it has become to pretend. I don't want this.  I dont want to live.  I am ready to die.  I've tried everything except drugs to tough this grief out but he never leaves my mind.  His essence is burned into my brain and there is nothing or no one that can come near to bringing me enough positive reinforcement to make me want to keep this up.

Can I commit the final act?  Not yet.  But I question more sincerely how long will I actually put up with living knowing how deeply I feel his loss.  Knowing that I would never want another man in my life and that no matter what I do to keep myself occupied or talk with others who care about me it's not healing me, changing me, making it better, or giving me a purpose.  

Yes I know that the rest of you feel much the same.  Many who are at an early stage and wonder how they will ever manage and many who are much later on in their grief and are still wondering how they will manage day to day without the continual pain of the loss. 

Crying is my only release as the pain builds but it always returns and it is getting worse each time.  Not just the physical act of crying but the question of whether or not during one cry I am going to succumb.  I am just going to say enough.....I don't particularly want to because of the fear of not reuniting with my husband if I do something untowardly but the hopelessness during the process of my crying and what it does to me now is becoming more and mroe unbearable.  

And it comes on me like a bolt of lightning.  It strikes me hard and debilitates me to where I can barely sit up, breathe and my brain just runs wild.  

I don't know how the rest of you manage to do a day.  I do what I can and normally I end up at least one part of the day crying.  And mornings are the worst for me too......like Bluebird said, it's the thought that I have woken to another damned day I don't want.  

So to my fellow grievers.......thank you for expressing how hard this is for you because if it wasnt for the fact that I know I don't suffer alone I am consoled somewhat.  But its getting harder not easier for me.  You would think time would do the reverse but its making me less worried about whether I go by natures way or my way.  Not there yet but I am just doubting how long I will put up with how I feel.  And yes, I know there are those of you who feel the same.  I just wonder how we all keep going........