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Comment by Anne on January 8, 2013 at 12:24pm

Pamela:  My Mother and Father were married for 48 years, my Mom died 11 days after her 72nd birthday, now Dad walks around in an empty house living by himself for the first time ever.  It is a different type of grief a spouse has from a child...he can't understand my grief anymore than I can his.  We all grieve our own way in our own time.  Taking one day at a time seems the way to go.  My condolences.

Comment by anna l. on January 6, 2013 at 4:16pm

Pamela the crying when you talk about your husband will get better with time and with talking about him even if it makes you cry.  I avoided it for along time and then said screw it and if a thought started to come out and I felt the tears coming, instead of stopping and changing the topic, I continued through the tears.  After awhile it did become easier.  Now I only cry about half the time I mention his name, or talk about a memory.  I think if I had continued to stop talking when I felt the tears coming I would still not be able to at all.  Once again, I had to give myself permission to do it my way and not worry so much about how it would affect others.  And thumbs up for 6 days!

 

Comment by Pamela Manning on January 6, 2013 at 3:56pm

Anna, Thank you for the nice reply. I guess my girls are just looking out for me. I can't talk to them without talking about their daddy and that makes me cry. Sometimes I think they really don't understand because they lived their younger lives with us and then they ventured out to start their lives. I was with him 38 years. It is hard to wake all hours of the night and day and him not be there. We were support be be together forever. Life is crazy. We were chasing a dream when this horrible cancer diagnosis was forced into our lives. It is still way to soon for me to be semi ok with this. I know I will be ok in time but for now it is still an open wound to me. I will be glad when I can face the horrible monster and accept things as they are. I must be getting better because it is 6 days with no tears! Hugs!!

Comment by anna l. on January 4, 2013 at 5:48pm

Pamela, if it feels right to you then it is right.  No one has the same experience in grief even if they are grieving the same person.  This Christmas was my second without my Tom and it was harder than the first in some ways and easier in others.  We do not get over them, we get calmer with accepting it as our new reality.  Your children have faced the monster of loosing a parent so they are more protective of you now which makes them feel such a strong need for you to be ok.  And you are not going to be ok for awhile yet no matter what you do but I believe you get there faster if you listen to your body and inner voices for guidance.  Yes, councelling is an option but it is not a miracle cure.  When someone comments on my sadness, isolation, or tears I tell them it is a testament to my love for my husband and son.  They are gone but my love for them remains.  Continue to give yourself permission to walk this grief path on your own terms and you will be ok one day at a time.

 

Comment by Pamela Manning on January 3, 2013 at 3:49pm

Esther Ferrari and jb, Thanks for understanding. My cousin lost her husband exactly 3 years ago and she said she is just now starting to feel normal. Still some bad days but mostly good ones now. This is hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to face. I feel like every day another piece of me has been ripped away. I still pray to God everyday and that helps but the holidays tore me to shreds. I am wanting to heal. I hate being sad or crying nearly everyday. I am normally a happy person. I just hate it. Maybe I was so happy in my life cause he made me that way! I wonder everyday if I will ever see happiness again. I don't want to give up and settle for how I feel now. I want happiness. I want to feel peace. I will treasure the moment that I can actually laugh instead of crying, smile and not be sad. The total number of days without crying is 4. Yes I count the days of no tears. My goal is to add more days to dry eyes but haven't made it past 4 in a roll. Silly huh? But it is a goal that I have to reach. Thanks for listening!!

Comment by dream moon JO B on January 3, 2013 at 3:17pm

me 2 are glad the xmas seson has gone 2012 felt like hell my mum 2 woz marid to my dad for 38 yrs and april wud of bean the 39th last yr this yr if my dad had livid it wud of bean 40 yrs on april 14th thy got marid in 1973 thy didiv herd the story a lot of tims but i dont mind 

Comment by Esther Ferrari on January 3, 2013 at 1:32pm

Hi Pamela :-) You are doing the right thing imo, taking one day at a time. What else can one do? People and family members, even church folk tend to make things worse in my experience...they have no clue, and they also say the darndest things...eeek!...a marriage bond is the closest relationship we share...thank God for Jesus because he knows our hearts...one day He will either come to fetch us or we will go to Him and our husbands...amen! I accept what happened and that I am never going to be happy in this life again. It has been a year and seven months and getting worse, so no words of comfort really from me I'm afraid as far as time is concerned...:-( xxx