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Comment by Gianna N. Piovanetti Ortiz on April 8, 2012 at 9:32pm

thank you Dennis C. and Kathy...

it has not been easy...it is not only the grieving part is the problems that come with...my family has shattered

always in my mind I knew that when these people would leave this world this would happen but I also thought I would be in my own place...and that is not the case...there are disputes, fights...and I am just sick of it

I want to grieve...I know that this is not the place for me to say this but I am just sick and tired...everyone pictures things as being rose colored 

Comment by Dennis C. on April 7, 2012 at 7:05am

Gianna,

I am so sorry that you have to endure so much heartache and have suffered such terrible loss. People who tell you to "be positive" do mean well, it is just that they don't know how to help you achieve it. Some people say that "time heals all wounds" as well, but that is not true at all. They just don't know how to help so they grasp at straws and say things that sometimes do more harm then good.

Here is my experience in dealing with severe loss. It may help you, it may not, but I will share it with you.

When we grieve, we can very quickly move into a state of hopelessness. We often times can start to feel helpless as well. How overwhelming is that!!! Put these two overwhelming emotions together and you are unable to cope with the grief. There feels as if there is no way out, and we see no relief in the future. Oh yes, we may go through certain mundane routines but inside we have given up, we have lost all energy, we have lost all hope.

We find no comfort in anything it seems because the pain can be just unbearable. Or we have been taught things in our lives that just make us angry at God or at the very least confused at why he does these things. (I have learned that none of this suffering is God's doing)

So how can we start moving forward? Well, it starts by realizing that we must start fighting back. If the condition feels hopeless then you MUST find something to HOPE in. It is there you just need to find it. If the condition feels helpless then you must find a way to get help. You might need to find help in finding hope (if that makes sense)

None of this will take the pain away, but it will help you develop skills to deal with the pain. People make a big mistake when they expect comfort to take pain away. It does not. It helps us deal with the pain, but it does not take it away.

Actually My hope lies very firmly in things that I learned by studying the Bible to find out what it really teaches about death. Why do we die? What happens to us? Is there any HOPE? The answers can surprise us, but I no longer felt helpless, or hopeless. And that made a huge difference because now I have something to grab onto instead of exhausting myself by just striking at the air so to speak. It did not take my pain away, but gave me tools to use. They helped me focus on HOPE!!!

If any of this make sense to you, or you have any questions, please let me know. I would love to help if I can.

Comment by Kathy S McBee on April 6, 2012 at 10:57pm

At 54 years of age, I'm guessing that you're younger than I am. I looked at what you have online - that gives me few clues - and I'm not sure at all about that. Really, age is not an issue with this - experience is. How each of us deals with our grief comes out of experience. What you've gone through is a lot - especially if you haven't been prepared for it by life experience.

At my age, the 'responsibilities' that lead us on are a relief. Going out into the world to 'slay another dragon' feels more normal than grief. It can be a good thing. It reminds us that we're still alive and still have a purpose when the losses pile up. From experience, my losses dating back to when I was age 6, tell me that I still need to deal with my life - my responsibilities - while I'm broken and hurting. Over the years, I've learned to listen to the words of wisdom that were spoken by those who'd passed on, telling me to face my responsibilities and deal with them. I've also learned to smile when I remember their quirks and things they loved when I notice those around me. Those things keep the people who are now in my past alive within me.

I laugh at those things around me that the departed would have laughed at. I stop and watch a 'pretty redbird' that would stop my always-busy grandmother in her tracks - although she passed away in 1979. I try to reach out and help others in ways that my husband would have done if he was still here. All those people who have moved on are still here with me. I knew them well - and let them keep a part of me by honoring them with my actions and thoughts and feelings.

No matter how much age or experience has taught you, grief is never easy. Forget trying to 'think positive' - just try to remember those you loved and lost as real, complete, complex people. It's the little things - the quirks, the 'inside jokes' - that can sustain you as you move on. No one else had the same relationship with them that you did and it's yours to carry on.