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Comment by Hilary Christene on December 5, 2015 at 3:18pm

I made the mistake yesterday of telling someone "the truth," about this experience. I think he has a small thing for me, (or nearly any female ...) anyway, I told him the truth, that, this particular loss has taken me out of the game of life. Whatever I'm left here to do, it's some sort of service, or payment, or sentence. I eagerly await its finish. As I've told some of you one-on-one, this is a journey to the third eye now, to try get myself out of this life without physically trying suicide again.

Other people may not feel this way, and that is fine. I think we understand here that this intense bereavement has to do with the depth of our attachment or entanglement with our lost one. And we know also that there is an especial intimacy and wrenching within the loss when the loss is an intimate love partner, to whom you have given your whole entire self, spirit and body at once.

Those of us who vowed each other eternity and fucking meant it.

I feel like me and D are wound around each other's souls.

So, this person I spoke to, he couldn't accept what I said. It was a quiet and gentle conversation, but he was not able to accept that I know for sure that I don't belong in life any more. He thinks it's a mind over matter thing. If I tell myself I'm unhappy, then I will be. Blah blah blah. Wow, utter vomit. Wow. Like this is kindergarten, and I'll just keep saying the sky is green until it turns green. And then it will be green, 'cos I made it by saying so.

Until this happens to us, I guess we still think that life is "real," and "worth living," or whatever. I told him point blank - you know, quietly, - that insisting on my happification was about his own level of discomfort with my distress. Telling me I'll find my happy way through life again is actually re traumatizing to me. He kept doing it, though, like some kind of robot running a program. He's a really nice person, which is why I decided to be honest with him instead of pretending which is what I'm doing with everyone else. I guess it's kind of crazy making to have to pretend...

But, I won't try that conversation with anyone again, outside of this group.

Comment by rachel_micele on September 7, 2015 at 11:43pm

You're more than welcome for my time and comment. Your post just struck a chord with me.

"I know its not their fault and it must be difficult for them to comprend my loss". This is the one thing that has allowed me to give a lot of grace to others. I know before being mercilessly shoved into this grief existence I had no capacity to understand what this is like. I would of been the person to avoid the grieving person as I wouldn't know what to say. But it sure doesn't make it any easier for us. Just another layer to this mess that is our world and ourselves left to clean up.

The isolation for me wasn't immediate at first. But little by little as people say things that mean well but are so far off, I slip further away. Sometimes I reply back to set them straight or I just decide to distance after the fact. I feel like I have more than I can handle on my hands, I don't need clutter added to it. 

To feel like you're not alone was very important for me in the beginning as well and still is. It's really all about you right now and nurturing this bleeding wound.

I wish you all the best too. Least we are all in this together even though it was something none of us asked for.

hugs

Comment by joanne on September 7, 2015 at 2:34pm

Hi rachel , im so sorry for your loss too , thankyou for taking the time and commenting on my post , I think you are right , I shouldn't surround myself with friends that have no idea what im going through , especially when they say ridiculous things to me , I have isolated myself from some of my friends but I feel even my closest ones are not very understanding , I know its not their fault and it must be difficult for them to comprend my loss amd grief but for now it will just be me and my kids , I don't need anyone else , saying that this site does help me , writing things down helps me with my anger and reading other about other peoples losses helps me to realise im not in this alone, although I wished none of us had to be in this awful, heartbreaking situation , its just not fair . Thankyou again and I wish you all the best at this difficult time xxx

Comment by rachel_micele on September 6, 2015 at 7:27pm

Oh Joanne,

You do NOT need friends like that right now in your life! To say, "maybe andy died for a reason and it will all be good in the end, you just can't see it yet" (which, dido, oh ... my ... god, what a completely, ridiculously, insensitive, and untrue thing to say when it comes to such a life obliterating loss) or that you are "smothering them (kids) by choosing to go home", etc.

You are at 7 weeks into this nightmare which takes me back to where I was at 7 weeks ... I was still crying literally every day. Just the thought of losing Gary made the tears swell up. I was in the middle of processing suicide with my counselors. I was so completely overwhelmed and unbearably heartbroken.

I am just under 6 months and still would not handle a happy go lucky gathering surrounded by others who don't understand the nightmare this is.

Grief puts us on such a completely different existence that isn't even fucking human. I have isolated myself from pretty much all my friends with the main exception of one. I have to. I'm still just trying to figure out how to survive. So 99% of the people I choose to interact with on a routine/regular basis is my counselors and those like yourself who can relate to this hell.

This is a time where you must nurture yourself, be kind to yourself, do only what is best for you. Listen to your emotional, physical, and mental limits and do whatever you can to let them be. If you need to isolate yourself from certain people, that's okay. Don't worry about what they will think. That's not your responsibility. Allow your grief. This wound is just as real as anything drastically physical. Find those you can talk to. A good counselor has been such a lifeline for me from the get go. And if those people are worth anything at all, at whatever point you are able to come back to their level they will understand and welcome you with open arms. 

Hopefully something I said helped,

hugs