family issues

i need to vent. For those of us who have lost children, husbands etc. this is to the living.  I am still grieving my losses. You didn't go through this ordeal. I know its almost three since the first one and a little over a year since the second one. I did not need the man in my life to have been diagnosed with cancer. that came a week after the funeral  than pretend nothing happened we are supposed to go back to our jobs and suck it up.  the man in my life left last week I think that I am looked at as a cold person. I have had my sister badgering.(we are both in our 50s) about what I am going to do. and i should have been nicer to him and what about a job. I finally had to get away from her. I am having anger issues. I am crying oceans of tears and drowning my pain One died crossing a road. hit and died of a torn aorta. the other was killed doing community service. sitting in  the buket of a tractor.kid high on meth a marijuana slammed in to that tractor. I see them in my dreams along with the way they died. I must be a cold heartless person for the events in my life.I want to be left alone. I don't want any one to expect any thing out of me.  I am just not capable yet. When my bf left he promised to destroy my world. they can't its been blown apart three years ago when i started this.

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Comment by Angel on August 19, 2012 at 7:45am

Hi Susan...Iam so sorry for your losses...I am approaching the 15 th anniversary of my 21 years old daughters death and lost my husband to lung and bone cancer 18 months ago on my deceased daughter's birthday....I have contact with my other 2 daughters and thier families, one friend, and I have met a man who has had as much heartache as myself just in a different way so he understands...other wise I go through my days the best I can and only goto these people for support...I have been hurt enough over the years with know it alls telling what I should or shouldn't do...there are no right and wrongs with grief..it is individual to our own needs...and don't let anyone tell you different. Anna is write you are broken hearted and boy does that hurt...I went to grief groups , read, talked to hospice workers  and sat on my bed and screamed for God to take the pain away....even new widows that I met turned into people who need and want it all their way...day by day....minute by minute and sometimes second by second...I wish you peace of heart and mind....Angel

Comment by anna l. on August 17, 2012 at 8:16pm

Im so sorry for all you are going through.  I too am suffering from the loss of my middle son and then a year later my husband of 30 years.  People who think they know what is best for us and tell us to get on with it are sooo lucky they do not know what we are feeling but that does not give them the right to tell us what we are doing is wrong.  There is no wrong way to grieve unless that is giving up completely and ending it.  Everything up to that is just what we need to do to stay alive.  You are not a cold hearted person, you are a broken hearted person!  I wish I could just wrap you up in an understanding hug!!!!  I hope your ex bf just leaves you alone and doesnt do anything to make a bad situation worse.  I also hope things work out with you in regards to a job etc.  It is soo hard.  Just so hard....

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