Ever since New Years I'm not sure exactly where my feelings are going. But something is changing. When this hell first happened I felt like I was in 3 places at once - back "there" in March 10th, on this miraged, twilight zone planet, and a completely different, distant planet with my only connection to the first. I've heard people relate grief to being out on a desolate, vast ocean, floating in the middle of nowhere. That may be what I'm starting to feel now. The difference between the distant planet and ocean is awareness. The distant planet was so far removed there was not even a "going through the motions". In the ocean there is absolutely nothing but I see just how completely lost I am with no oar, no rutter, no wind, or no current. I understand the dire of the situation. I understand my home is completely destroyed. I understand I have no where to go and my path remains obliterated. I understand I don't know how the fuck to do this. It is so damn miserable it just feels wrong. Last week a new counselor put something into perspective for me. When Gary passed there was no viewing, no funeral, and I didn't even get to see/touch the body to tell my senses anything happened. He didn't die. He just disappeared.

I've heard people say sometimes for them the second year is harder. I feel I can understand that. The shock has had time to wear - maybe not completely but enough to understand maybe this really did happen. Maybe I really am being forced to figure out how to survive, some broken way to kill time. Just recently on a post here I said it wasn't supposed to happen. And it really wasn't. I know for a fact he wasn't ready to go. And I sure as hell wasn't ready for him to go. But it did. I don't understand how one is just to be okay with that. All this time I could understand logically things like this happen. Regarding age, I've now read enough stores of those who passed prematurely of those younger than Gary or those experiencing this younger than me. But tell that logic of "these things happen" to my heart. It can't understand. 

Now that there has been some distance, I see now how obvious the signs were something wasn't quite right. The main one I completely missed, the other 2 were very subtle. While on one hand I can accept I was doing the best I could with life during those times, on the other hand it is not okay. It's not okay I let my life and so much bullshit get so out of hand I couldn't even see the most important thing. Gary was good at being challenging to deal with but I still beat myself up for this. He deserved more. "Us" deserved more, so much more. 16 months before he passed I had an experience that really shook me and showed how out of control my life was so I was working on it. But it wasn't coming along fast enough.

I've had such an urge, especially when sleeping, to hold his picture to my chest. I need him that close to me. It's like out in this barren, waste of a place he is the only thing I have to cling on to.

The counselor also said about New Year's when talking about how horrible it was: but you got through it. Like that's some big accomplishment. I have always hated this saying with a passion. I think it's like telling a junkie at the end of a day - but you got through it - even though they had to continually shoot up to get their fix. This is not quality of an existence. And that's not okay. Your only alternative is that you don't get through it. That is the shittiest odds even possible.

I know a couple members have recently talked about anti-depressants. I finally figured out why, for me, I haven't felt that an option. I grew up never connecting to my feelings. Everything was brushed under the rug. I have spent the last 15 years working so hard to connect and understand my feelings. That place is one I never want to go back to. Not that I want to be feeling this fucking nightmare either. I wish this would of never fucking happened. Not now. Not like this.

I'm still in hell.