It started as a normal morning. 3 years out from that devastating afternoon when she lost all control of her life. She had suffered a massive right side stroke and had lost virtually all control of her left side. Her arm and leg had become swollen and purposeless.

Her arm, she always cared for with a gentle readjustment of position. I could do nothing beyond reassure her with my love and bring her chocolate ice cream and cans of chocolate fortifying shake. Her ever faithful aide was there that morning. She made the pronouncement that Nancy would benefit from some time in the open air under our carport. I agreed and we began to map our strategy of positioning her to sit up in the wheel chair. At first, it just seemed as if she wasn't cooperating, a puppet whose strings had all broken. Arms akimbo. I realized slowly, like waking up from some helpless stupor  that something was horribly wrong. "Nancy, Nancy", I repeated until realizing she was not going to answer me. "Wake up" was equally ineffective. "Lay her down" I told the aide who by now was dumbstruck at the possibility unfolding before us.  I placed my cheek against Nancy's open mouth and felt nothing. I placed my fingers against her carotid artery and felt nothing. No pulse at her wrist. I looked at the aide and horrified, uttered "Call 911……now".  I knew she was gone but I refused to accept it.  "Baby" I pled over and over as if I could wake her up. I kissed her cheek. Nothing.  Then the EMT's arrived. I was numb to all around me as I waited on the ramp we had used so often. Police, social workers…all manner of officials requesting information arrived, seemingly, all at once. The world was blurring past me. I looked at Nancy's aide and asked her to "Please, stay with me for awhile". She said she would. Then, it came…..the most awful question of all…..TheEMT's informed me "There is no heartbeat…..Should we resuscitate?" My head was suddenly made of concrete,  I simultaneously shook it and intoned, as if in slow motion.   "No"!  There was an echo in my head over and over….."No…….No……No". I felt weak and my legs began tobuckle….I caught myself and leaned against the porch rail. She was gone. I went back to the bedroom where she lay on the ugly and cold hospital bed that had claimed her freedom. She appeared to be sleeping. I leaned over her, without tears yet, and kissed her forehead. "I love You, Babylady" "I Love you, Babylady…..Please don't go……God, Please don't leave me" But she was already sleeping. The pain of those 3 years and it was significant was finished….in a moment, a moment I could not reverse. She was sleeping, the pain was over. 

As I waited for the funeral hearse to arrive I sat with her. Even with all the flurry around me, I was alone with my lady. The room was deathly quiet and I began to let go. Only the first time. "Oh No"  "Oh, God, No". She was so quiet. She was just sleeping. She would wake up at any moment. Then the reality of loss set in. Like an ice pick through the heart. I let it go…a quiet sob that began slowly then grew then was quiet. I left the bedroom to answer some official questions and when I returned to that same bedroom minutes later she wasn't there The hearse was ready to leave. I was about to begin the empty, terrifying life of a widower. All I wanted was my wife back. It was not to be. Only the visitation hours, the burial and a memorial service remained.  My life is cold now, so very cold. I often think of the burial plot where Nancy was interred and the separate plot with my name on it next to hers. There is no date on my plot, Just the birth date. I wish I could see the death date, chiseled into the stone. I wish the date was the same as my soul mates . I wish I had passed with her. But, I will continue on and on and on. Nancy would want me to be happy…to continue on..and so I will. You know, it is hard to continue after the death of your soul but we do it anyway. I will spend my time waitingfor the glorious day of reunion. When I too pass over and greet my dear Nancy with a kiss and a Hello. Then, I will be home again in the arms of my angel.  I Love You, Nancy!