I've been confused before about many things. I was confused by what happened to my sister; I didn't, don't and probably will never understand why. Her killer was someone who claimed to love her but I know in my heart of hearts that he couldn't have possibly loved her. Looking back now I see, the way he participated (or lack thereof) in their relationship, the way he spoke to her- he didn't love her. He didn't know what love was. I will always be confused and never understand how someone could hurt another person so badly. 

I have a baby sister. Her name is Sandy. Sandy used to hang out with Becky and her boyfriend all the time. Go to their parties. She spent a lot of time with them. Becky was Sandy's best friend. They're only 18 months apart in age. They went to school together, got in trouble together, had the same friends. 

Sandy has forgiven Brandon for killing our sister, her best friend. This makes me angry and so confused. How could she forgive him for taking something so precious from us? How could she not hate this monster who stole our sister, our mother's daughter, her nephews aunt, our father's puddin???

How can she forgive such a heinous crime? How can she think that he was a good person regardless of what he did to Becky?? Why can't she see that he was a monster? Why can't she understand that just because they had fun with him does not make him a good person? Even if he was a good person before he stabbed our sister to death, I believe that one act- that heinous crime of murdering our sister completely erases whatever good he may have done. 

But he wasn't a good person! He had a son that he didn't take care of- maybe saw him once a year, he never had a job, stole cars, robbed people, assaulted people, made Becky feel like dirt, drank all day, smoked all night, murdered my sister. He was a dead beat dad, a thief, an abuser, an alcoholic, a druggie, low life murderous coward. Not a good person and I'm so beyond angry that so many people, including my baby sister, think otherwise. Why can't these people open their eyes and see him for what he really was? He was nothing!! Not worth anyone's time. I don't understand why anyone gave him anything. I don't understand why so many people are blind to what he really was. Not a good person, not by a long shot.

I don't want to be angry with Sandy but I can't help it. How can she be one of the people who have been blinded by this monster? We grew up in the same house so I know she knows the difference between right and wrong and good and bad. Maybe it's the relationship that our mother had with our step-dad that has seriously twisted her better judgement. I'm so confused by the fact that she is able to forgive something so horrible. 

I don't believe that Brandon deserves forgiveness or peace. I believe that you need to be held accountable for your actions and if those actions are crimes then the punishment should fit the crime. He took the cowards way out so he couldn't be held accountable for his actions by the living. I can only hope that he has been judged fairly in the hereafter and is paying for his crimes by burning eternally in the company of the devil in hell.

This whole situation has rocked me to my core. I'm not a super religious person but I do believe there is a God and my faith in him has been questioned. I think I'm hurt that Sandy has forgiven him, betrayed almost. I know that is not her intention but that's how it feels.

Ugh! I can't stand not understanding whats going on, being confused by things everyday. I can't stand feeling the way I do. I feel like I'm stuck in perpetual melancholy and I hate it.