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Comment by coachlouise on December 29, 2010 at 12:45pm

Thank you Anne for all of your sharing, would you please call me so we can set an appointment, 541-821-6213, Much love to you, Coach Louise

Comment by anne on December 29, 2010 at 3:29am

Dear Coach Louise,

I was thinking about your offer and I think I would like your help. You see I want a invisible relationship with my son's. I've prayed and prayed to just find a way to get through to them. I don't see Ben in my sleep and when I see Del he's on fire crying for me to help him. I want those be over with. I sleep about 3-4 hours a night. I have severe insommnia most of the time. I have terrible flashbacks of the fire that took my little boy. As you have read sometimes the stuff I blog is so awful that I have to put a don't read on them so I dont upset anyone with my dark side. My sons loved me so much and I them that I never pictured my life without them. Even when Ben went to Iraq to fight on the front lines, I just couldn't picture my life without him, especially after all we had been through. My daughters have always been closer to their dad because he wasn't around enough to dicipline them like I was. The boys on the other hand loved to ride the farm equipment with me. They loved to sing and dance with me. They loved cracking jokes and playing pranks with me. We just had such a bond and now it's gone. I love my daughters as much as the boys I really do, but they are so much more judgemental and critical of me than the boys were. I never feel their presence. I can't feel them with me like others do. I never have good dreams about them. They are always nightmmares. I know I write alot on this site but nobody wasnt to talk to me about it except for therapists, and they just don't get it. When Del died it was so horriffic that no one in this very small town really knew how to handle it, including the dr's. That New Years eve my daughter pulled a chair out from under me and I fell very hard to the floor. I believe she did it on purpose trying to be funny. Anyway it ruptured a disc in my upper spine, and the doctors wanted me to wait before surgery. They put me on narcotics for the pain. The month before Del died I had a complete hysterectomy. Finally after 6 weeks of physical therapy and narcotics I had the surgery. They went through my throat to get to my spine. The drugs they gave me made my throat swell up really bad. After the operation I was feeling much better so I trashed the narcotics and took tylenol for the pain. I still couldn't eat food unless it was well blended. 3 days after I started going through narcotic withdrawls. I did'nt know anything about it, but I knew I was very sick so my husband took me to the hospital. They did'nt know what was going on. I couldn't speak clearly because of the swelling. I did remember saying that I wish I could see Del one more time. The reason is because I yelled at him before they left and that was the last thing I said to my little boy. Everything got turned around and the next thing I know they called my husband who was fighting a 103 fever and told him he had to take me to Bismarck because they couldn't help me here. No one said anything about suicide or anything. When we got there they put me o one side of the door and my husband on the other side and locked it and that's when I snapped. I thought they were punishing me and that I killed my son. I was devastated. Later they said that I was trying to die because I wouldn't eat. I couldn't eat solid food because fo the surgery. They wouldn't listen and then they drugged me up so bad I didn' know who I was for day's. Then the insomnia started. I couldn't sleep for weeks. I was so sleep deprived that I was hearing and seeing things that were not there. It got worse and worse. I didn't know what to do. If I tried to explain they would dope me up some more. This went on for 90 days. Every time I couldn't sleep they would lock me up. I never tried to commit suicide. I never even thought of it. This went on for 6 years. I lost the trust of my daughters. They did not want to be anywhere near me. My son Ben wanted to take care of me. It was all such a mess, and one I didn't know how to get out of. My father in law said it was my fault, if I was a better mother he'd still be alive. I never got the chance to greive my son. Then came the war. When Ben got back from Iraq we were as close as a mother and son could be. I saw pictures he ahd taken over there and he shared things on his computer about the war that he couldn't bear to share with anyone else. I could not believe what my son was showing me. It was terrible. Shocking, and heart wrenching. Then in2007 Ben was killed coming home for my grandsons baptisim. My daughter waw driving the car and a man skipped a stop sign and hit them. Ben died instantly. I couldn't believe it happened again. I shook him and I shook him and I shook him but he didn't wake up. I kept thinking why, what did I do, what did I say that made God so angry with me. I've always been a fairly good person. I taught sunday school for 10 years in two different churches. I directed the church choir and I can't even read music. The choir was very good. We had churches from all over wanting us to sing for them. I really thought that I was doing the right things. I sang and wrote songs for 14 funerals after I buried my own child. I thought I was doing the right thing, but when I couldn't do it anymore they all turned their backs on me including our pastor. My family didn't want anything to do with me either. I had nowhere to turn but I still talked to God. I still wrote hymns and gospel music, and then my Ben died too. Sometimes I do fairly well and sometimes I'm hanging on by a thread. I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know how much stronger I can be. I never know when the pain is going to get so bad that I feel like I cant get it out. Others have said they feel their loved ones presence that have passed on and it makes me angry and jealous because that never happens to me. There are times when I am full of wisdom and advice and times when I can't even help myself. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I want to laugh and sing and dance again, but I don't know how to fix this mess.I thought I knew, but I was wrong. I'm always wrong. Just when I think I'm ok I get this terrible wave of heartwrenching pain and it takes days for it to settle. Has God left me? Have I been so bad that he feels he needs to punish me? I want to live. I have to live. Dying is too easy for me. I want to make the best of whats left of my time here on earth, but I don't know where to begin. I have plenty to be thankful for. I have a 3 year old grandson who adores me and whom I adore. He makes my heart melt. I'm afraid that if I get too close that he will die too and it will be all my fault. I have never said that before to anyone but I sure do think it quite often. I lost a friend because she thinks I'm a jinx because I lost both boys and she dosen't want to lose her only son. When I hit the skids I think I'd be doing everyone a favor by leaving this world. I cant' think clearly, I cant' feel the love from those that do love me. I'm scared Coach Lousie and i'm confused. So if you still want to help me I would welcome your wisdom and be grateful. After you read this I will understand if you don't reply. I don't really get very much reply when I ask for help so it's ok if you can't. I guess nobody understands unless they've walked in my shoes, but you have so I would like to trust you if you'll have me. Thanks Anne

Comment by Diana, Grief Recovery Coach on December 26, 2010 at 10:42am

What a wonderful gift you are offering:

"As a Christmas gift:  any one who would like a free coaching session send me a message."

Thank you so much, Coach Louise and Happy Holidays!