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Comment by Louise on May 2, 2017 at 4:09pm

Jackie & Morgan, I'm so sorry you're both in this shitty situation too, dealing with this horrendous pain every single day. I don't think "fuck" is too strong a word at all, it's a fucking horrible place to be. Sending hugs to you both, may we all find some sort of peace on this shitty journey that none of us wanted or planned for xxx

Comment by Jackie cooke on May 2, 2017 at 12:53pm

We are all the same, just pain and more pain. There really is no point, who wants years and years of this. People keep telling me it will get better, how? Will time magically take me back in time to when we were happy and together, no in time I will still be alone. Sometimes I'm sat in the house and I just have to grab Bisto get in the car and drive, then when I'm out all I want to do is come home. Basically I'm not supposed to be here alone, I am 100% sure if Shirl is anywhere she won't be happy with out me, she never was so why would she be . We weren't meant to end this soon, we should have had years left

Comment by morgan on May 2, 2017 at 12:22pm

Louise,

Wish there was anyplace I could escape.  Every day I repeat the same painful episodes of where my brain takes me because my husband died.  Every fucking day.  And then the crying.  The interminable crying.

I apologize to those who feel the word "fuck" is too strong but I cannot find any solace or comfort in listening to how some deified creature called god would let me continue suffering under the circumstances of how death has ruined me.  I am destroyed.  I function pretty much under duress constantly.  I get through a few hours at a time when I manage to block painful thoughts and I have gotten way better at that blocking but those feelings of pain and loss and hurt are constantly there.  Like now.  Like right now I want to cry again.  WHY?  Because I cannot stand the thought that I am living a life without him.  

Every day I try different things to distract myself. Divert my thoughts.  And every day its the same old thing.  Pain mixed with the reality of how to function and not take my life.  A constant hamster wheel of a mixed salad of existence.  And not just the previous challenges of living but a deep primordial existential preoccupation with value and desire to live without the driver behind my motivation.  I cannot even find the right words anymore to explain how changed my life has become.  Its almost like another person came in to inhabit my brain when my husband died.  I cannot untwist the wiring of what I need to do to survive this current persona of myself.  The old wiring is too embedded.  

Sorry for the ramble.........I just am trying so damn hard to cope on a level that others who have not had the one person who they loved more than life itself die...how they seem to live and I cannot get a handle on that reality no matter what i do.  Thanks for listening.....

Comment by Jackie cooke on May 2, 2017 at 12:00pm

Louise every single word you have said resonates with me. I feel exactly the same. The pain is totally unbearable, it's 7 weeks since I lost my life long soul mate of 36 years. Even breathing seems to much of an effort, I don't wAnt to leAve the house, I can't eAt as can't eat meals we enjoyed together, drinking seems wrong. Can't concentrate on anything. I can't bring myself to care about anything either. Like you if it wasn't for my dog and cat who would have no one to look after them I would have given up. I don't want this life of constant pain and gut wrenching misery. I don't want the worry of paying bills. I'm sick of the silence but don't want to talk to anyone else. I have the tv on constantly just for the sound of voices. Iv lost all faith as can't see how there can be A god who causes us so much pain. I wish someone could come along with a answer to stop this pain but I think it's something that's never ever going to go away