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Before the Storm Hit...
I lost my dear sweet mother on March 3rd of this year... Just 8 months after my Dad passed away.
She feel into a diabetic coma exactly at the 6 month mark. She had stopped eating and taking her medication once my dad had passed away. While she was in a Coma, I was faced with the same decision we had to make when my dad fell into a coma and had irreversible brain damage. Here are my thoughts i wrote down and emailed to myself at the start of all this. Reading them now I am reminded that I did my best and tried to be fair to my Mother...
Here I am again. Its different but the same. Days of worrying, accompanied by nights of crying, waking up in the middle of the night with a broken heart and walking out of a hospital each evening with tears streaming down my face.
These doctors tell me what I hate to fathom. They are not giving me much hope this time around. Are they just messing with me? Have they grown cold? Sadly, I think not. They are being honest. Well educated professionals with experience and an eye for a daughter that is looking for the truth in a critical situation.
When I relay this information to the rest of my family, they ask me why I am giving up hope so soon. It is silly to me that they think that I would ever give up on my mother. I am simply taking this situation at face value… Accepting the facts as they come to me. Just as my Mom, my sisters and I did when we received the tragic news that my Father would not be waking up any more than the comatose state he had been in for the last two months. As my Mom replied that day when the doctor asked if we wanted to keep my Father’s vessel afloat without a captain; She replied that she would take the pain and blame and make the decision to let my father go. After 40 years of marriage she said she knew that he would not want to live the rest of his life that way. She would hurt instead of him. Now let me ask you, What makes anyone think she would want to live her own life that way?
Dizzied and Blurry eyed; I am lost and broken yet focused and still keeping my shit together for my family. I have too. My sisters need me and my mother needs and deserves me to do what is right for her. I know in my heart and soul what my mother would want in her situation. I also know that this is hard on the rest of my family. We all love her and want to keep her here. I can assure you, there is no greater love than what I have for my mother. I cannot help but think of the many recent years while my Mom was sick and depressed and no one wanted to be burdened by the sadness that came along with it. Now these same people insist we keep her body alive while her mind is gone. “Just leave her like that”. Perhaps they feel that spending this time with her body will make up for all those lost opportunities they had to make good memories with her. This is not fair to my mother. She is already covered in bed sores because these scums bags at the nursing home cannot take care of her correctly. Every day I have to go and scream and fight with them simply so they will treat her with dignity. After everything she did for others, should we not do something so important for her? This world has had 62 years with this beautiful woman on it. I feel that the Lord has now opened the gates to heaven and has sent my father to her side to bring her home. I see it all around her and I feel it when I am with her.
I want to say that it is the hardest thing to let go however for me it is even harder to see my mother who has always been my heart and soul, laying there unable to love or feel. My Mom went to sleep on a Wednesday and did not wake up. Just that previous Sunday, I went to visit my Mom after a trip to the Museum with my Niece. That day was a good day. My mom was feeling okay. I arrived and found her laying in bed, happy to see me. I climbed in bed with her and laid there for a while as we hugged. I showed her pictures of the dinosaurs and fossils at the museum. She told me she didn’t believe that they were real. I told her I would take her soon to see for herself. She then told me how lucky and happy she was to have kids like me and my sisters. I am sharing this with you now because I want you to know what kind of relationship I had with my mother and how much my sisters and parents all mean to each other. My Momma is and always will be my best friend. I know she will always be there for me as she always has been. If I can tear my heart in to a million pieces to let my mother rest and finally be at peace, certainly I feel that the rest of you can release her physicality too. She spent her life giving and caring and loving and sharing. Whether my Mother was well or ill, I was always by her side. Even if she was upset and would say mean things, I would always tell her I knew she was going through some tough times and we would hug and say ‘I love you’ and the world would seem much brighter.
I hope that those that it really matters to; you understand that I am detaching my emotions, my personal wants and needs from this situation. Since my teen age years I have prayed for Armageddon and tidal waves so I would not have to bare the pain of losing my parents or any family members The pain is deeper than I could have ever imagined but I understand now that my wishes cannot come true. I must feel it. And I must let go. I have no choice. Even if that means I must suffer for the rest of life from the pain of missing them, I will take that pain if it means that they will not have to suffer for one more minute..
Please respect her and forgive me for wanting to let her be at peace.
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