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Comment by joanne on December 2, 2015 at 3:49pm

Thankyou all for your comments, I send you all big hugs and to know im not alone in this and you all understand my heartache and loss helps me more than I could possibly say xxx 

Comment by morgan on December 2, 2015 at 12:27pm

I know why I come here.  At times it is to vent.  But while I do that by reading others posts I find something written that I am feeling in myself but can't quite articulate.  Hilary exposed one more.  I have been since the beginning and still am now trying, No, not just trying, I am doing every kind of metaphysical thing I can to try and perceive him still, to keep our dialog going.  It's been my whole world for two years and ten plus months.  I have been stuffing myself into his world so I can feel him because the feeling fades and when it does I scream out.  No no stop do not leave me.  I am not crazy but it has driven me over the edge.  Well, not over but to the precipice.  It is where I am right now.  I am at the edge.  

THe difference for me is the metaphysical effort is not realized.  I cannot feel him.  HE is dead ands am I, only I am living and I do not and seemingly cannot know or provide a way for myself to deal with that which ails me.  And I am sick with this ailment.  I am finding it difficult to impossible to find a way to cure what ails me.  

I cannot deal with anyone in the public realm right now.  I was until I realized what aloneness meant for me.  I was fighting to not kill myself. Now I am simply not sure I have what it takes nor am I sure I care to have it anymore.  This is not a sucicidal urge. This is more than that.  This is something I can't even put my finger on so I am falling apart inside and the pain is almost intolerable.  Not all the time like it was in the beginning.  Not in that sense.  It is different.  It is nothing.  It is like feeling nothing.  For anything, anyone, anyplace.  I don't want to die, I just don't want to live.  I don't want to be here.  I don't want to die I just cant grab onto anything to make living without him worthwhile.  Stuffing myself int the next world when I cant be there.  WTF……….

Comment by Hilary Christene on December 2, 2015 at 9:38am

Comment by Hilary Christene just now

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I don't know if ive been in some sort of denial and I'm just processing the fact that its real , that he's really gone and that he really won't be walking back though the door ever again like a small part of me hoped he would, is this my world forever now?

I can relate to that feeling, of being like, ohhhhh....shit.... oh God no. It is like a merciful denial overtakes me for a time and I think I can do this and then the denial fizzles away and I'm nakedly re-realizing that I've lost this one thing, this beautiful treasure that is unimaginable to lose, and  There. Is. No. Fix. For. This. My reality is broken, injured, lifeless. My reality has become a nightmare that stalks me like an undead horror.

I had talked with a counselor, a doctor friend, and two psychics and all of them said not to opt for the drug prescriptions that are given for traumatic grief. They said that the drugs would somehow backfire on me. I didn't take any prescriptions. A couple other people have asked me to take some prescriptions because (unsaid by them but obvious) it sucks to be around me. I told them I'd think about it but what I really do is just avoid them.

So I am using this denial. I will not let D go. No, No, No, No, No. I'm doing every kind of metaphysical thing I can think of to try and perceive him still, to keep our dialog ongoing. It's my whole world right now, trying to put my face and feet and stuff my whole self into the next world so I can feel like I am with him as much as possible.

Objectively, I realize I sound crazy ... am crazy. That this has driven me over the edge. But so here I am, grieving and crazy, and I think these metaphysical efforts are helping me a lot. I feel like I can connect in ways. He's the only cure for what ails me.

Comment by morgan on December 1, 2015 at 9:04pm

If there was anything I could do to make it better I would try it on myself.  Not because I wouldn't want to share something that fixes us but because I am going through such a rough patch again.  It started Nov 21st and has been ongoing.   

Joanne " ive gone straight back to the beginning,  my heart is literally aching I feel consumed in the fact I will never see him again, I don't know if ive been in some sort of denial and I'm just processing the fact that its real , that he's really gone and that he really won't be walking back though the door ever again like a small part of me hoped he would, is this my world forever now? am I constantly going have days when out of no where I want to die because it hurts so much, I fucking hate how life is so unfair,  

Words that come from your heart through mine.

Alice "There seems to be no rule or pattern to the ups and downs, though I keep creating theories that are then blasted apart by the next phase. Time and again I've been whacked in the face by a seemingly brand new realisation that he's really dead. It seems to be repetitions of the same realisation, but I think there's always some slightly different aspect to it, so it is a kind of progress"

More words that come from your heart through mine.

I come here because I know I am not going through this because something is wrong with me it is because everything that was right with me has disappeared and I am not the only one suffering.

Thank you to both of you…...