Anyone had this experience

My brother of 67 years lost his partner J last week.

They had been together for 30 years and had a civil partnership.

It seems there is very little literature on gay bereavement and also on how best to support LGBT population.

I know my brother is a 'sturdy oak' type no 'sissy stuff' and doesn't allow his emotions to show at all.  I belief this is a trait he has adapted from my mother.

I go to pieces and cry when upset for normal good reasons and wonder if anyone out there has been through a similar experience?

My brother seems to be coping very well and has been in contact with me more than normal.  We have a physical distance between us and he is well retired.  I have a family and a third tier of the family with 2 grandsons.  My brother has none of this and wonder how much support is lost through no having this back up.

 

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Comment by Stanley Ruiz on October 28, 2014 at 9:18am

My name is Stanley and I also lost my gay lover of 40 years.We were building a retirement home and home invaders entered the house.they shot me three times and shot my partner right in the heart and he died.It has been a difficult two years for me but i went for therapy and I am getting stronger with each day,I think that is what Ralph would want.He also needs support .Let him write to me  stanlru @verizon.net .He needs to have some friends who share the same situation of losing a  long time partner. I know how he feels

Comment by bluebird on October 27, 2014 at 9:36pm

Peter,

It's pretty much the same whether one is gay or straight or bi or trans or whatever -- losing one's partner is hell on earth.  I am sorry for your brother's loss of his spouse. My husband died too, and it has destroyed my life.  If your brother is contacting you more now, then he finds it comforting or helpful to speak with you. If you can, I would recommend you try to maintain that relationship, maybe go to visit him if you can (and if h e is up to it), or maybe he could come visit you and the rest of the family.

I am not aware of literature on grief when someone loses a same-sex partner, but there probably is some...you and/or your brother are welcome to post anywhere on this site, but if you/he are looking specifically for an LGBT focused group here, there's this one: http://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/group/lgbt-grief-forum , but it doesn't seem too active.

Maybe you or your brother could seek out local LGBT groups (in "real life"), and see if they have anything to offer regarding grieving and counseling? Also, I don't know if he's religious, but if so then maybe his spiritual advisor (priest, rabbi, imam, whatever) could help? If he's not religious, or if he has felt ostracized due to his sexual orientation, but feels he might benefit from a spiritual community, he might want to consider checking out a Unitarian Universalist church -- they tend to be very LGBT friendly.

Comment by Lost & Alone on October 23, 2014 at 7:22pm

Alot, I have a large family and their support is vital, but as long as your brother is reaching out to you ... means he still needs the help even if he acts so strong... I know because this is me even with my large family....

Good luck to you and your brother

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