Today I watched a movie called Soul Surfer. It's a true story about a young girl who was a great surfer. While she was surfing a shark attacked her a bit off her arm.She wanted to know why. Why her? What could God possibly want this to happen to her.After mourning the loss of her arm, she picked herself up and tried to surf again. She failed. Then she went to a country to help with cleanup from a tsunami. When she saw the devestation she couldnt help but try to do something to help these people instead of feeling sorry for herself. This girl went on to become a world champion surfer with one arm. I thought about this story over and over, and how it pertained to me. lately I've been thinking about how I'm going to go about accepting what has happened to my family. I have already decided tha I am going to go on, and i'm gong to fight the things that bring me down.You see I cant change whats already happened. I cant bargain with God to take me instead of my boys. the deed has been done. I once had a friend that asked me how I can live when my children are dead in the cemetary.I've asked myself that question a million times over the years, and I have finally decided that I have to live. Next question is how can I live and be happy and productive, even though my children are gone. Well I have come to the conclusion that I have two choices. 1 I can just give up and throw in the towel. That would be easy.I'm pretty sure that others excluding my family, wouldnt blink an eye over that descision. I've been told that if anyone deserved to give up and quit on life it was me.Thing is I dont agree with any of them.Who am I to think I have a right to quit living in any way. Nothing makes me any better than anyone else.My trauma is no more or less than anyone elses. I'd hate to think that I am so full of myself that I think I have the ability to fix everything or that things should be fixed for me.

2- I can learn to accept it all and make the best of whats left of my life. Not to forget whats happened or forget my children, but to be grateful I had them period. Number 2 is surely the hardest, and it takes alot more strength and courage to go on. In the end number 2  will help me regain my respect for life and the ones that gave it to me. Also if It was me that died I would want my children to go on and celebrate my memory by being loving, happy, and productive. So you see I owe it to my boys to accept everything that has happened. That doesnt mean I have to like it, and It doesnt mean I cant cry or want for my kids but it does mean that I owe it to their memory to do good things with them in mind.

Sometimes my mind is filled with thoughts of what can I do? it;s done its over I cant go back, I cant fix this. If I try to fix it I will go crazy. If I keep trying to ask why or why me I will spend the rest of my life looking for answers that are never going to be there. Even cursing God doesnt help. He can't send them back even if he wanted to. If he's gonig to do a miracle for me he wold have to do for everyone, which would be nice but not realistic. When I think of miracles I realize that i'm not better than anyone else, and I dont have special powers to create my own miracles, because if I did I would bring back all the kids for the parents who yearn for them.

I believe that it's time for me stop asking why. To stop being angry over somethng that is out of my hands. It's time for me to become accepting, and leave the big stuff to my maker. I believe that one day when I go to heaven all will be revealed to me. For now I'm starting to think that I dont need so much to understand it all. I dont need to know why, and I  should not spend the rest of my life questioning.

I know I'm going to have days where I am still going to hit pavement and i'm still going to cry,and sometimes i'm probably going to ask why, but I pray that when those days come I can look back at my blog and remember why I made the decision to keep going. My heart has been broken in many pieces, but I am now willing to start picking those pieces up and glueing them back together. I will never be the same and I may leak where the pieces have been glued, but I hope that faith and love will fill the cracks and leaks.

I dont know how this all will work but i'll never know if I dont try. I dont know why but in my heart I feel that my children are in a safe and loving place. I no longer wonder where they are or how they are doing because I can feel their peace. Call me crazy but the feelings are so intense at times that I almost feel the calm taking over where the saddness and greif,and pain left off. People often talk about time and how sometimes time heals and some people dont think time helps at all, but I feel for me that time has brought me some peace. The more time that passes the more I discover just how much I have learned through all of this, and just how strong and wise I have become because of it all. In the begining I couldnt even think let alone try to put the pieces together. I remember when all of this first happened I could barely speak. The pain was so severe tha I didnt know how I could live through it or breath. I never thought the day would come when I would be able to laugh, sing,smile, and feel happiness again. The possibility of survival at that time was nil to none. I have hung in there now for 13 years and inbetween that time I lost another child. The process had to start all over again. I didnt know if I could do it again. I could not fathom any joy or happiness ever again. I really thought my life was over.I was wrong. I did survive all be it it was tough and exausting but none the less I am still here. I have to believe that God really does have a plan for me whether I see it or not. My life does mean something. I am worthy of joy. Thing is the only one who can help me live again is me. I am in charge of whats to become of my life. I am the one who has to decide whats next for me. There isnt a day that goes by that I dont think of my children. I will always love them with all my heart, and I will never forget the love and joy they brought to my life, but i think it's time now for me to let them go. Letting go doesnt mean to forget. It doesnt mean that I am not their mother. I will always be their mother and they will always be my children. Letting go to me means to find peace in my heart, and to never stop loving. I'm tired of asking questions. I have come to the conclusion that I really dont need to know the answers and i cant live the rest of my life with the should'ves could'ves if onlys and guilt. All those things also cannot change what is already done. All that does is keep me in the same place everyday. I want to move on I have to move on.

In making this decision I feel in my soul that my kids are rooting for me and want to see me prevail. I want them to be proud of me. I want them to be able to say That;s my mama! When my time comes for my life on earth to be over I want to die knowing that I did everything I could possibly do to make the best of the hand I had been dealt, and to be grateful for all the wonderful blessings, love, and joy that have been my life.

When I see places that have been ravaged by disaster and famine and disease I think about my own misfortunes and  whats happened to me seems to be not so high on the totem pole. It's a reality check. Whats happened to me is very sad and tragic , and very devestating, but there are others out there who have it alot worse. I never would've been able to see past my own greif and pain if there wasnt such a thing called time.Death hapens in an instant. Greif, saddness, pain, they take much longer and are alot more work, and alot more courage to go the distance. It is possible though. People have been surviving these horrible things since the begining of time and they will still be survivng long after I'm gone. I'm not alone, but I wish I was because this is a hurt that I wouldnt want anyone else to ever have to go through, but that's not up to me. so I will try to do whatever I can to help others survive when a loved one is lost.

I have had a bad attitude for such a long time that it's nice to think more clearly and have the capacity to make decisions that will benefit not only me but others who struggle every day. Time. Time for me has been the only way to start a new. Well and patience too. Nothing good happens over night. It takes time,lots of time, lots of hard work and the desire to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Nobody can give that ot you. You have to go get it for yourself. I am ready to go get it and embrace it. When life gets to tough I hope that I remember these words and use them as inspiration to keep from falling into that deep hole thay call depression. Goodnite and peace to all who are waiting for the clouds to be lifted so the light of the Lord can shine through.