They say grief comes in stages. Steps that you randomly go through in whatever way you need to go through them. I read a lot about anger being a stage, but really can't ever see myself being mad at my dad for passing. I knew he never wanted to go. To leave my mom, the love of his life for 60 years. He didn't want this.  He only left I think when he knew my mom was safe. The day after I put her in a home, as he told me to, I was able to tell him when she was moved in, was the day he started to go. Only then did he start to get worse, and let go.

So the first stage is pain. I think for the first 4 months I was in shock. Looking back I don't think I ever felt my feet hit the ground.  But the pain was there. Every morning, every night. I would just cry for hours, as hard as I ever have. The pain of knowing my best friend, my daddy was gone.  And in some ways I wish I had that back now.  Because I would cry for a few hours and it would at least feel better afterwards. The pain would subside and in some cases be gone and then I'd go about my day; in shock....... going to work and doing what I had to do.

But this stage, is something I wish wasn't here. Sadness. It's been awhile now. I just feel sad. Constantly. All day, all night. Like a cloud that never leaves me. Takes everything I have to get up in the morning and get dressed. To get to work. To my business, that was such a passion for me for years and years and now, really, I could give a damn about. I finally have my own business, that I was able to put together just months before my dad died and now, I really don't want it. I know once I get to work, see my clients, I'm ok.  But the morning and the nights, and every second in between are too much. This dull sadness that I just can't shake and that no matter what I do, it never fades. 

I never want to do anything, talk to anyone. Nothing. If I had my way I'd curl up in bed and stay there for the next 6 months. And I tell myself that it would be justified because I lost my father, my best friend. The person I spoke to every night.  I have a right to be sad. But I also feel like I don't want to be here. Because why? Why be here?  I feel my thoughts go towards just leaving this life because i really have no one or thing to be here for. So why bother? The friends I think I have, I really don't think I do. And I'm thousands of miles away from a mother who has no memory of me being her daughter and a handicapped sister who thinks there's nothing wrong in calling me frantic 10x a day over absolutely nothing. So why bother? Why be here?

The only thing getting me through this is somehow knowing that this is just a phase. It must be just a phase. A step through the steps of grieving.  I really never thought that this would be so hard. I'd rather cry my eyes out, feel such pain that my heart breaks than a million pieces all over again.  But this? This is too hard. When is this going to end? 

I think it might be getting a bit better because I find myself thinking, just thinking of what I'd like to do. Go to a movie, go shopping. Call a friend. Go to brunch. Take a walk. But I never do.  When it comes to doing it, I just don't. I just get up, go to work, come home.  The thought is nice. The action? Way to hard to do.

I see a photo of my dad that I put on my desk and he's with my mom, celebrating something. Father's day? A birthday? And he looks soooooo happy.  And I think of his amazing life and how lucky he was. Meeting my mom after WWII. And the love story that they got to create and share for the 60 years they knew each other.  What an amazing life he had, and his family meant everything to him.  Some days I look at that picture and it makes me smile. Other days, it breaks my heart into a million little pieces that I have to pick up and start all over again with. 

Sept 19th marks the day that my daddy met my mom. At the Oktoberfest in Germany. On the bumper car rides. The story that he loved telling us over and over and the day he loved celebrating with flowers and a dinner for my mom. This year, my mom's alzsheimers will have her remember none of this... and another holiday that meant so much to him will be gone.  Another holiday that will disappear with his passing.  Another day full of sadness that I will have to get through on my own.

And another stage of grief that I have to live through... without him.