My sleep difficulties have changed.  I was able to fall asleep relatively easily and waking very early.  Now, I can not fall asleep.  I has been after 3 am the last two nights when I finally doze off and when I do I immediately start dreaming.  Two nights ago the dream was a disturbing nightmare and I woke calling my wife's name.  I was so loud I woke my son in his bedroom.  Last night, I can not recall the dream, but it still woke me.  My mind does not want to settle down, going from awake to vivid active dreams.  I am going to take some tylenol pm tonight.

Today was another day of cleaning out my house.  My sister was here today, she came early and we started immediately.  It did not take long to find something that disturbed me.  It was another box that my wife had packed away probably ten years ago.  The first item was another marijuana pipe, about a half a dozen joints, and a small bag of marijuana all neatly vacuum sealed.  I have no idea when she was using this one, so many things I did not know.

The next thing that was even more difficult to deal with was a package she had sent to her mother in 1992 and her mother had sent it back to her at some point.  It was basically a divorce package and checklist that my wife had put together in early 1992.  She had met with an attorney and made a list of things she needed to do before leaving me, gathered tax returns and my compensation tables, as well as a  "dear John" letter she had written to me but never mailed.  At that time I was spending a considerable amount of time out of town with work.  She planned on moving out when I was gone and having the divorce papers sent to me at the same time.  She never did it and I never knew the extent of her plans until today.  Again, this is something long in the past but still feels like another betrayal and lack of commitment to our marriage.  To have those thoughts and do those things 23 years ago is one thing but to store them away for the next 23 years is another.

Everyday of going through my wife's things leads to new discoveries,  new pieces of the puzzle, new theories trying to answer the "Whys".  Here's my latest theory to the "Why did my wife choose to end her life?" My wife always wanted an "easy button" when things got too tough between us.  She would threaten divorce, I would cave in, beg her to stay, and she would get her way (I never knew that the divorce plan had gotten so far as in the previous paragraph) and when that became unrealistic for her,  because I think she knew she could not manage on her own for a variety of reasons any more, the "easy button" became suicide.  I was easier for her to swallow a handful of pills, than address the relapse of alcohol abuse.  

My wife attempted suicide 4 years ago.  But I found her in time and she was saved.  It makes it all the harder that she succeeded when I was home.  All this and I still miss her every minute. 

I want to thank m morgan for the very insightful comment on my previous blog post.  I am not real good right now at making intelligent responses.  It's hard to focus and craft something relevant in return.  When I write these blog post I let my mind wonder, it's a freestyle mode of writing.  If mind wants to go deep into something I let it.  So this is an apology to m morgan and all others that leave such great comments and I have such weak responses.  I am sorry, thanks for all the great comments, please don't stop, they are greatly appreciated.

Mark