Christmas is over, and as of midnight tonight a New Year will begin. It's been strange around here this past year. The holidays were very different for me also this year. I am about to dip into some pretty deep self pity. I feel like I have lost my whole family. My oldest daughter is doing very well, but she's not as happy, and giddy like she used to be especially during the holidays. Is it because we are all older? When I was young I used to dream about the holidays with my own children. All the decorations, cookie baking, and holiday singing. The pasta making, the 16 hour sauce for the pasta. The gifts were fun, but the music, and just being together made it so special. Holding hands, and worshiping together filled our souls. I miss the magic of all of it. I miss that crappy old shack we lived in when the kids were little. I miss us all gathered around the tree after our chores. Then in one instant it's gone. Everything I knew, everything I dreamt of came crashing down within a second of time.

The holidays of my dreams was gone. It had only been 2 months since the accident, and Christmas was here. I was so grateful that we lived 500 miles away from extended family. We did however spend the holidays together except for the year Ben was on the front lines in Iraq, at least we did get to talk to Ben that year. The holidays hadn't been the same, but we did learn a new way to be together, and celebrate. I used to decorate from stem to stern for Christmas. Candy canes hanging all over, pine bough with lights covering every window, and holly bow hanging above the Christmas tree. Ornaments that were made by the kids, and garland they loved to hang on the tree. Each ornament holding a memory. We had more fun getting ready for Christmas than anything else. It all stopped in that split second. The kids would decorate for the holidays no more. We did learn to smile, and allow some laughter to come back in, and eventually the cooking, and baking started to come back, but our holiday traditions as we once knew were gone. My youngest daughter had a beautiful baby boy in the spring of 2007. Ben had returned home from Iraq in 2006. He finished his education, earned his degree in law enforcement, and graduated from college. In the fall of 2007 there was another accident. We were getting ready to baptize our grandbaby. Ben was gone, and Aj was in critical condition. All this once again, and also 2 months before Christmas. The difference was that I did not allow anyone to mess with my mental health this time. I went back to all the decorating, baking, cooking, and all of the other stuff that was supposedly normal. I did this for 5 years after Ben died. I felt like I needed to show my family that I would not abandon them, and that I would not allow anyone to take me away from them. My grandson made Christmas fun again. He really enjoyed grammas lights, and decoration. He loved to bake cookies, and other holiday sweets. We had so much fun rolling pasta together even though it made a big mess! My granddaughter was born, and made the holidays even more fun. Then my daughter got divorced. We still had fun at Christmas with the kids. Then she met a wonderful man. He loves her, and she loves him, and he loves my grandchildren. I am so happy for her. Then they packed up and moved 300 miles away. We have spent the last 2 holidays at her house in MN. I love being with them, and I love playing, and cuddling my grandkids, but it's not the same at all. That's the reality of it. I feel like I have lost my dream, and I am all out of ideas to try to make it feel better to me.

I must be going through a change again. I don't know what's worse, not knowing why my feelings, and thoughts are changing, or being afraid if I did know. Guess I'll just roll with the flow for now. My saving grace is believing in my heart that I will be with my sons, and we will all be a family again.

I don't like feeling like I've lost what's important to me. I don't like feeling like my grandchildren are growing away from me. I'll be glad to go back to work next week. I've been spending too much time alone lately. This year the holidays just didn't mean much to me. I spent a lot more time praying, and talking to God. I have been doing some soul searching these past months, and I don't think God really cares about Christmas accept for the fact that it does remind us of the gift he gave us in his son Jesus. I don't think it was Christ's birth that was as important for me with God as is Christ's life, and how he lived, loved, and died on the cross for my sins. I think everyday should be Christmas in my heart. Not the cooking, baking, or shopping, but the appreciation for the gift of Christ, and for what he did for me on the cross so that I may have eternal life, and the ability to be once again with the ones who went before me. I believe this for all of mankind.

With the new year approaching all I pray for is Peace. Peace for everyone!