When my mom passed 3 months ago, it felt like my world ended. I always thought we were so lucky to be such a close family, but since my mom passed, I feel so distant from everyone and everything, wanting nothing to do with my dad or brother anymore. My parent's would have been married 33 years this June, and my mom passed in November 2012, the weekend before Thanksgiving. The last time I spoke to my dad was almost a month ago. I'm not sure if it's because he had already joined Match.com a month after my mom passed, or if it's because he's being a selfish jerk spending the life insurance money left and right, yet my mother's ashes are still sitting in my curio cabinet in the generic cardboard box the funeral home gave us. I know everyone greives differently, and no one wants to be lonely, especially after having someone there everyday for the last 33 years, but I feel people should also be aware of how they're greiving and how that might affect others.  My mom made only 2 requests on her death bed...one was which funeral home to use, and the other was that she wanted to be cremated and kept until my father passed, then a family plot would be started. Not one hour after she passed, he was already going against my mother's wishes and telling the funeral director what cemetary she would be going to(the one she specifically said she did not want to be in). That was my first "mom-less" family arguement. He yelled and screamed stating he was her husband and it was his choice...then my mom's sister reminded him that he didn't always treat my mom the kindest, and it was only because of my mom's kindness and huge heart that they even made it to 32 and a half years of marriage. It was never guaranteed that she would always be his wife, but it was most definitely guaranteed that she would always be my mom and my best friend. I left that night, the first night I had left since my mom was told the cancer had finally beat her and she didn't have much longer....Halloween day. her favorite holiday ironically, but that's how it went with my mom. She was told on her 50th Birthday at her doctors appt. before she went into work that she had ovarian cancer,the day where I had set up a surprise for her and decorated her entire desk with black balloons, grim reapers, and a big black cake that said "RIP...Over the Hill" OMG the irony!! Of course she never spilled the beans to us about the cancer until that evening, after telling me many times throughout the day that she loved her surprise at work and thanked me many times. Man, she was a good actor! Through the breast cancer she had 9 years ago, through all the problems in between and up to them finally discovering the 20 pound ovarian tumor and having a complete hystorectomy and bowels, intestines, etc removed 3 years ago, up to Halloween day, 2012 when she was told it was "time to prepare" for her impeding death in the following weeks. She never led on that she was scared, sad, in pain, sick, angry, mad, nothing! That's where I wish I were more like her. She never missed a day of work through chemo, her illness during pre-diagnosis, hell...she didn't even take her pain meds after having an eighth of her body organs removed. She was a fighter, the strongest woman I have ever had the pleasure to know and love. I always knew she was strong, although I didn't find out just how strong willed until her death. When my mom was 25 (I was 4 yrs old) my parents were in the Air Force stationed in Myrtle Beach, SC. My mom's parent's drove downfrom Michigan to visit their youngest of 8 children(my mom) and their youngest grandchild (me:) My dad had just bought a new Pontiac trans Am, and was taking my grandfather for a ride in their new car. When they took off on the green light, a drunk woman coming the opposite direction ran the red light and t-boned my dad and grandfather. I remember they had to use the jaws of life to get my dad out of the wrecked cherry red car, he suffered a shattered pelvis along with many other injuries....my grandfather died in that accident. I recently found out that at the time, my mom still didn't have a drivers license and my dad was in the hospital for 8 months! Apparently she bought a little pick up truck, hired a driving instructor to teach her to drive, and took her driving lessons everyday on her way to the hospital to see my dad, and her way home from the hospital. That is how my mom learned to drive and finally got her driver's license at the age of 25, but let's not forget that during that time, she was also going through the loss of her own father(and incredible feeling of guilt I imagine), still working everyday in the air force, and taking care of me, her 4 yr old daughter all at that time. Then after all that, 8 months after her father was killed.... my dad was finally released from the hospital and my mom got some horrible news. My grandmother, her mother had breast cancer (triggered by the trama and loss of my grandfather they believe) and was dieing. My grandmother died only 9 months after the accident that took my grandfather and at the age of 25, my mother had lost both of her parents and was hundreds of miles away from her brothers and sisters having to take care of my father and myself. I can't even imagine, yet seeing how wonderful, amazing and strong my mother always was, seems to be the only thing getting me through my losing her. I am disappointed in one thing in particular though, she always told me of how when her parents died, she had vivid dreams of both of them telling her that they were alright. I always thought we were somewhat sensitive to each other, or spritually connected the way we would call each other at the same time about the same thing, or seem to always read each others minds....yet I still haven't had any dream visitation from my mom:( Iknow I felt her spirit rights she passed...it was at midnight Nov. 16th. I was taking a nap in my parents bed, my mom was in a hospital bed in the living room, with my dad asleep in the reclining chair, and my aunt(my mom's sister) by her side. my mom was going through terminal distress, and it was a horrible day trying to get meds and hospice to our house that day(again, she was so strong, she wouldn't admit to any pain or let us call hopice in yet) that I called my aunt over for help and a little relief for me and my father. Seeing my mom in pain like that was the most horrible thing ever! Anyways, I finally laid down around 11:00 pm, woke up on my own at exactly midnight, just freezing. The bed was even heated, yet i was freezing. At that momeny, my aunt came in the room to wake me, saying she thought it would be really soon, but when I got out there, it was already too late and my mom was gone. At that moment, I knew the coldness I was feeling that woke me up, was my mom hugging me and telling me good bye. I'm still waiting for her in my dreams, although I now realize that, that hug goodbye, feeling her presence and spirit holding me, is better than any dream I could ever have and I will never forget it! My mom's life was short, yet she was amazing and she accomplished so much! From teaching people how to fly planes in the Air Force as a flight simulator operater, and flying a fighter jet herself, to taking it upon herself to get what she had to get done and learning to drive in the aftermath of a tragedy, to having her 16 yr old daughter give birth to her first grandchild when only a junior in high school and assuring me that everything would always work out and be alright, to beating breast cancer and taking on ovarian cancer right after learning her 2 children and their spouses had 3 new grandchildren for her on the way(bro and SIL had twins) and they were due only days apart from each other....I could go on and on!! I wish I would wake up tomorrow to find out that the last 4 months were merely a dream, but I only wake up everyday to think of my mom and cry every morning. It's just so hard to not think of everything she is goiing to miss, like her oldest grandchild getting his own drivers license next year, to grandchildren's weddings, so many things! They say try to think of the memories you already have, not what they're going to miss....but all memories of my mom make me sad and remind me of what I no longer have. I have the huge caring heart that my mom had, which makes it so hard to not call my dad everyday and see how he is holding up, but then I'm stubborn like my dad and feel he should be the adult/parent and check on me instead. That's the problem, when 2 stubborn people argue, no one wins! Still not sure what to do there, but I definitely feel a little better getting some of this off of my chest:) Thank you!