A year ago last night, is when my life officially changed. The night I got a phone call that Dad was in the hospital.. collasped. No one would tell me how he was or if he'd be ok. Fly out on the next flight. I didnt' know how I would feel last night.. but I remembered more than I thought I would.  More than I wanted to.  It was like reliving that horrible night all over again. Then I didn't know that that would be the last month I would have with him. That for 2 weeks he was fine, and that 2…

My trip out to see my mom and sis for thanksgiving was a turning point. Flying out there, I was stressed out, as always. First major holiday without my daddy sitting at the head of the table. And as always I'm stressed and worried about my family. But it was actually great. I'm busy getting food, cleaning the house, making dinner, and they're so excited for Thanksgiving. Decorating the tree, the house. We laugh and have a great time, and while he's always on my mind, it doesn't seem to come…

I"m so happy and so sad at the same time. Finally, after months of waiting,  Daddy came back to me in a dream.  I've waited so long.. and it was short and sweet.

I dreamt that I was in their house walking through trying to find the bathroom. I sense that Mom is in one of the bathrooms. All the bathrooms were locked for some reason so I go through Mom & Dad's bedroom. As I walk through the bedroom i see Daddy lying in bed, sleeping. Peacefully, happy.  In my dream I know he's…

They say grief comes in stages. Steps that you randomly go through in whatever way you need to go through them. I read a lot about anger being a stage, but really can't ever see myself being mad at my dad for passing. I knew he never wanted to go. To leave my mom, the love of his life for 60 years. He didn't want this.  He only left I think when he knew my mom was safe. The day after I put her in a home, as he told me to, I was able to tell him when she was moved in, was the day he started…

I finally fly home to celebrate my birthday with my mom and sister. And also, to bring them to the house that they haven't seen since Dad died and I had to move them into a home.  I'm dreading this and have been so stressed out for months about this.  I pray it all goes well because if it does, it lets me bring them home for all these holidays that are coming soon. thanksgiving, christmas, birthday.  All the holidays that meant so much to Dad that his family be together and that he could…

So next week, I fly out to LA to visit my mom and sister in the home, and celebrate Father's Day with Dad's best friend. He told me he never celebrated father's day before, and I told him, that now that's Dad gone, we will now start. As his honorary daughters, this is what we do. :) 

I'm both excited to see everyone, but also, dreading it. Dreading stepping into the house, as the last visit was horrible, upsetting, devastating. The house and home that I grew up in was cold,…

After my father passed, I went home and all my friends were telling me that I might be in shock. It certainly didn't feel like it. Every memory, both good and bad was etched in front of my eyes 24/7.  It seemed like I felt everything, and a lot of it wasn't good. But now time has passed,and I find myself thinking he's still here. That all I have to do is just pick up the phone when I get home from work and call him.  He'll be there. This thought is on my mind all day...until i get home and…

A client and dear friend visited me at the salon last week. We're talking and sharing stories of our fathers and what they meant to us.. as I'm walking home from work, I feel this weird sensation. It takes me awhile to figure it out.  Finally I realize; that it's happiness. I feel happy. I don't know why. No rhyme or reason.  But I feel like I'm flying, it feels so good. Then I realize it's been sooo very long since I felt that.…

I'm fine with going through whatever I have to go through. I almost don't mind the pain and sadness because I'm thinking of my father and how much I miss him. But what I can't get through is how everything changes, in as little as a day, an hour, a minute.

One day, I'm looking at his photo and I love it.. brings me comfort..his smile makes me smile.

The next day, the exact same photo and I'm in so much pain looking at it that I can't bare to look at…

Find it weird, but I do not want to forget a single second of the past horrible 2 months. Not to be morbid or twisted, but I just don't want to forget. Took me awhile to figure out why. It's because every thing that had happened will be a last. My daddy's last smile, the last time he looked at me, the last time we talked, the last time we said i love you to each other. The last time I saw his face light up when I walked in the hospital room. The last time he squeezed my hand when he couldn't…

Everyone tells me that the worse of things is over. And in a way they're right. The constant roller coaster ride of the hospital is over. The never ending journey of hopes; then despair.  Sometimes it's daily, sometimes it's hourly.  Now, it's done. I go home and drink as much as i can. Not to get drunk, but to just sleep. To finally sleep.  And I do. the next morning; I see you daddy standing next to my bed, watching me.  Out of the corner of my eye. You're here. I turn to see you and then…

I again, have 10 doctors in front of me telling me there is nothing they can do.  I bring your best friend with me because I know that i will not hear everything they say. I know it is time. Your friend tells me that when you go I do not have to be there. I do not have to be there when you die.  I'm furious that you would even think that. That I would let my father die alone, with no one there breaks my heart.  I have made sure that his wife sees him everyday, that he has his wedding ring on…

Every time a hummingbird came into the backyard, you would always tell us to look. How you loved to feed them, and see them sit on the hummingbird feeder.  The feeder is dry and dusty now. Don't know how long it's been since you've filled it up.  Don't know how long it's been since the last time you saw one.

I have 10 doctors in front of me telling me there's nothing else they can do.  All the fluid is gone from your lungs, but you're still not breathing.  Every day you…

On February 25th, at 2:25 I lost my father.  And in the same week, I realized that I also lost my mother.  I realized through disbelief, that she no longer knows who I am.  I am no longer her little girl, her daughter, her Pumpkin.  In shock, I asked her if she thought I was related to her. She said no.  Her Alzsheimers has finally taken her away from me. I never thought this day would come.  She looks at me and smiles like she always does.  But then I realize, she looks that way at…

Everything seems fine until I get a call from the social worker saying that you told her that you want to be put in a home with Mommy.  I'm in total shock. For the past week I've been looking for in home care for you and Mommy; someone to help you take care of her.  To run errands for you. So you don't have to do so much work.  She tells me that they won't release you until I find a rehab place for you.  For the past week I've been taking care of Mommy. Dressing her, feeding her, figuring…

As I rush into your hospital room, I see you look at me and your face lights up. It's at that moment when I realize that your face always lights up when you see me. How haven't I noticed this before? You're shocked and surprised that I'm there. Of course I would be. Where else would I be? Mom's sleeping in the room, someone there looking over her. I tell you not to worry, I'll look after mom for you.  Everything will be fine.  Everything will be fine.

Thankfully you remember…

Waiting to get off the plane, my cell rings. It's a dear friend in NY calling to see if everything's ok.  As I tell her all I don't know, I break down.  I don't know how my dad is, or my mom.  I'm worried about the $1000 I just spent that I don't have trying to fly here. And I'm worried about how I'm going to get back to the new business I just barely opened less than a month ago.  As I cry into my cell, the woman that has been sitting next to me on the plane, and hasn't spoken one word,…

It's 11 pm, on a Saturday.  I got a call from the neighbor that you are in the hospital.  He found you by the front door, fallen into the planter and couldn't get up.  You were there for 3 days.  Newspapers piling up on the driveway alerted him that something was wrong.  He looked in the front door window and saw you.  Took 20 minutes for him and the paramedics to break into the house to get to you.  I called the hospital and they wouldn't tell me a thing thanks to these stupid privacy laws,…