At the end of the month it will be a year since you past. I am stronger and yet often I find myself on the edge of a cliff. There are still loose ends to tie up with the financial end of things. It's a shame so much energy has gone to that part of your life/death when all I wanted to do was grieve. I told you that would be that way - you made it so there wasn't anytime to grieve. I was and in many ways still in survival mode. You didn't want to have a will - you didn't want to make decisions…

Michael, you loved Christmas and decorating and shopping and cooking. I know you'd be mighty disappointed in me that there isn't one anything that resembles Christmas. There is hardly any food in the house. Not one card has been mailed out. My heart just about bursts when I hear a carol or see the lights of our neighbors.

You're supposed to be here - we were supposed to be doing Christmas big this year! But you're in Heaven now and I can imagine the celebration that must be going to…

Doing something I shouldn't be doing - going back and reading my journals from years ago. Unhappy years that were very painful for me. There were so many times I wanted to leave you and never look back. Just this time last year I had found about "her" and I wanted to leave but realized that I wanted it to work more than I wanted to leave. I loved you and wanted us.

We were not the love story you promised me. In my insecure head I thought it was something I was or was not doing. So I…

No matter what I love you. There isn't a minute that you are not in my heart and all around me. No matter what I love you. Everyone keeps telling me I have to try and move on. No matter what I love you. People tell me to stop crying because you wouldn't want me to be this sad. No matter what I love you. They all mean well I know and when/if the day comes and I do move on I am sure some will judge me for my actions. No matter what I love you. Please don't be mad at me for trying to heal. No…

The first time we met - face to face was 12 years ago this past Sunday. So in  honor of that day I took the first trip to the cemetary to lay a blanket of pine boughs on your grave.

I drove the entire 5.5 hours talking to you, singing to you, crying for you. It took me a little time to find your grave since there is only a very small 3x1 marker with some numbers. A stone can't be placed till the Spring. But I found it under a shade of beautiful birch tree. Took a blanket so I could…

Dear Michael,

Are you watching me? Then you know that yesterday after I came out of church there was a message from Cheryle that she wanted to take me to lunch and out shopping. I returned her call and we agreed on 11am. I made some phone calls but didn't get far. Seems every step I take regarding the businesses I get pushed back double. You know how rough this week was, there is no money coming in, only money going out. I feel like I am drowning in all the legalities and…

For the past 12 years I have driven by that bridge that crosses a reservoir. Never going over the bridge but telling myself that it would make for a great run/jog across. I even mentioned it to you a few times. Always looking for a new place to hike or just be outside you would have thought that I would have done it by now. Guess I can now check it off my list.

I got a phone call while I was driving and needed a place to pull over. There I was at the end of the bridge. After I got off…

Michael, can you hear me? I need help and a push in the right direction. Is that allowed from Heaven? Losing you wasn't bad enough but now I am faced with losing the house, the business and my sanity. Help me! The family is counting on me to pull through.

I can't keep teetering on the brink of insanity. God please hold me up and give me guidance to get through all of this. The feeling of lonliness is overwhelming me and I am afraid that I don't have the strength to get through…

Everyday there is something new to contend with. I am not sure where the strength is coming from except that God and I have a new relationship and I am trusting in Him to lead me to where I need to be. For whatever reasons He took Michael home and who is anyone to question that?

In the beginning I struggled with thoughts of suicide - such a cowards way out. But in my grief I felt this was the solution to end the pain. Instead I turned - or God pulled me - in His direction.

I…

Nine weeks; 63 days of missing you. Your clothes are still in the closet and in the dresser drawers. The last pair of pants you wore are on the bed post where you hung them. I can't seem to move your sneakers out of the way.

We stopped eating dinner at the table because I can't bear to see your empty seat or have anyone sit there. Still can't bring myself to make a cup of coffee because that was our thing. Spanish coffee and sitting on the front porch every morning talking about our…

One holiday down - two more to go. I was afraid that it was going to be too emotional a day to be around anyone. The original plan was to send the kids off to their father's family so I could stay in bed all day alone with my tears and grief. For 2 months I have not given myself persmission to stay in bed and cry. There has been so much to do every single day that I couldn't give myself that time.

But my kids had other plans and were not having any of it. My son and I met my daughter…

Last couple weeks I have been alternating from being angry with you to loving you and all the emotions in between. The anger is something I need to contain. I shouldn't have shared those thoughts with anyone. I am sorry Michael. The angry stuff is my problem. I need to come to terms with the fact that we are all human. We make mistakes. Sometimes we love too hard, sometimes we allow our hearts to rule and sometimes we need to reach out to people who get us. You accused me once of having…

Yes, I have lost my mind. In my grief and lonliness I let you take my hand. We walked and I listened to you tell me how your life has been. All the while in my head trying to climb over my pain.

We ended us 12 years ago, both broken hearted and scarred. Then God sent me Michael and he healed my heart, saved my life and showed me that I was loved. And then I guess God had other plans and took Michael home with Him. So once again I am not only heart broken - but broken. My spirit, my…

Everyday I wake up hours before the alarm goes off and I lay there in the bed we shared for 12 years. Alone again. 52 days of being alone. Then the panic starts to settle into the hole where my heart used to be. It starts to spread through my body and I wonder if I am having a heart attack. Do I finally get to die? Can I just be still and let it come over me? I can't breath - gulping for air. All the things I have to do today - all the phone calls I have to make -decisions that I don't know…

Michael, where are you? Why can't I feel you around me anymore? I want to believe you made it to Heaven and maybe that's why I don't feel you near. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore except the pain in my chest is going to eventually kill me. I alternate between wanting to kill myself and feeling guilty for thinking I know better than God.

It's 49 days today since you passed. Days of confusion, pain, lonliness, grief and an agony that I never knew…